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Beliefs Revisited

By Carl S ~

And behold Adam begat a son which Eve delivered, and they called him Abel. And Abel came before his mother as a” youth and said, "The beasts of the gardens have each other to play with, but I have none. What shall I do?” and Eve said unto him, "Go therefore and play with yourself." And Abel went and played with himself and saw that it was good. . . Then Abel thought, "Surely, this is fun! Therefore the Lord will see what I am doing and will forbid it.” And the Lord did see, and forbade it.

cain and abel by Maurice Heerdink
Then Abel went to his father and saith," The Lord has said we should increase and multiply, and yet has not told us how. I want to fulfill his command." Adam saith,"Observe the bonobos and how they make babies, mating both male and female, and copy them." Cain, in a rage, sleweth his brother Abel, and took unto his own his sister to mate. From this genesis all human life on earth has issued forth. And behold the wisdom of the Lord in all these things!

When the 573 year old woman gave birth to her 26 pound baby (after her 600 year old husband built an ark the size of New Jersey), she told her lady friend, "Do you know what this means? By the time this kid's a teenager, I will be old enough to be her grandmother!"

A smoker told his friend that he read so many articles about the harmful effects of smoking that he gave up reading. Later that day, he repeated the same thing to his clergyman, who told him not to worry about any reaction to his statement: he had the same problem trying to make his flock understand theological matters. "And by the way," said his pastor, "Don't read anything by those atheists. They'll tell you that what you believe can be harmful."

The Reverend Tom McArdles of Shrovesport, Pa., testified to his and his wife's faith. When they got in the car to go to church, it would not start because the battery was dead. The Reverend looked at his wife and said, "Did not the Lord tell us that if we ask anything in his name, he will give it to us, and does he not assure us that he will raise the dead bodies to life, even eternal life, to those who believe in him? Surely, he who raises the dead will revive a dead battery." They then prayed, and the car started right up, and since that day, the dead battery has been dead no longer.

Those who are familiar with the "Frankenstein" tale know it is about reanimating a body created out of cadavers. However, there is a simpler formula for creating a living body: mix three parts yeast-free flour with one part water, roll it flat, cut it into a wafer thin disc. Bake in a 350 oven for thirty minutes. Take the disc to the nearest Catholic church and have the priest say a few words over it. A miracle! You will have a real, living, personal human who died 2000 years ago, in your hands.

How to have your cake and eat it too: Before aborting a fetus, inject water over it in the womb, and say the words of baptism at the same time. The aborted one will go straight to heaven. Guaranteed, with a stamp of approval by the Lord.

My neighbor's wife commented on how clever the squirrels were in getting birdseed out of "squirrel-proof" feeders. She said that her husband noticed how clever crows are in hiding and later relocating seeds that other crows saw them hide the first time around, and the way so many different animals deceive and even "play dead." Both of them thought that clever is survival, and that necessity is the mother of evolution. The Mrs. conjectured that clergy are very clever at camouflaging what their books say, distracting and lying for their survival. "Funny, isn't it," she said, "how animals imitate us?"

Interior memo from John Glenn Space Center, Cleveland Ohio, NASA: On the morning of Dec. 24, 2011, 06:23 a.m., Hubble Space Telescope detected three unidentifiable objects orbiting Planet THX1139. Later close up observations revealed a man in a long white robe, a woman dressed modestly in blue and white garb, and a man riding a chariot. Are still photos required for the media or Christians?

After watching the Discover Channel's special, "The Search for Noah's Ark,” Joel Dovecot posted a question on their website: "Why not a search for Cinderella's glass slipper?" Although the Ark has never been authentically found, sandals left at a shoe shop in ancient Jerusalem have been, along with a tooth extracted from St. Paul (found under a pillow in Tarsus). These matters remind me of a very serious book a man read to me about Christian times when a girl asked for some bones from her martyred virgin mother. Even now, body parts are venerated, and it's claimed there are enough pieces of wood from the True Cross in the world to build a cathedral.

"You are old, Father Ratzinger,"
The young man said,
"And your hair is incredibly white;
Yet superstitions flap 'round in your head.
Do you think, at your age, you're still right?"

Warning to reader: Do not read this in public, for you may be tempted by Satan to laugh. Further, the writer may be executed for posting these things, a.k.a., matters of serious faith. It wouldn't be the first time. In fact, it's history. But DO ENJOY. (Demon laughter.)