Putting God on trial
By John Shores ~
"Your honor, it is our intention to prove that the person representing himself as god is a fraud. The basis of our case rests on the idea of absolute morals. We contend that in order for a moral to be defined as being 'absolute' that such morals must apply to all people equally.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"Why should I start now?"
"Pardon?"
"I said, uh, yeah. Sure."
"Please be seated. I have in my hand a short document. Will you please read this page?"
God takes a copy of the paper handed to him.
"Are these the ten commandments that you gave to Moses in the desert?"
"Um, well, when you say 'gave' what do you mean?"
"Did you write these down or tell Moses to write them?"
"Yes."
"And did you instruct Moses to write anything else? The books of Genesis & Exodus, for example. Did you dictate those to him?"
"No. I inspired him."
"Ah. Now looking at the commandments in your hand, can we agree that the first four are somewhat narcissistic and fatuous?"
"No! They're the most important ones!"
"To whom?"
"Well, obviously, I can't go around letting people worship another god now can I and if they don't have any respect for me then, well, where are we then?"
"Thank you for making my point. Now, this one says not to make any graven images, am I right?"
"Yes."
"Your honor, we would like to submit these twelve chapters of the book of Exodus as testimony. In them, the followers of this god are given specific instructions on how to build the tabernacle etc. Now, god, did you or did you not give detailed instructions on how to build the ark of the covenant including carving two cherubim onto the lid?"
"Well, yeah but..."
"Please just answer yes or no."
"Yes."
"Now, this one here says 'You shall not murder.' Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Have you murdered anyone?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Your honor, I would like to submit the entire Bible that god claims that he inspired as evidence. Isn't it true, god, that this book depicts you wiping out the whole of humanity in a flood, you destroying two cities, you killing innocent children in Egypt, and then you commanding the people that you chose to conquer other nations?"
"So?"
"And in the New Testament, didn't you kill two people who didn't want to give all their money to the new church?"
"Yes."
"So, have you committed murder?"
"Doesn't matter. I'm god."
"Ah! So, the command only applies to humans?"
"Right."
"Except when you tell them to kill people?"
"Right. I mean, wait, um, no. Killing is wrong."
"Let's move on. The next command on there is 'do not commit adultery.' Would you say that is an absolute law as well?"
"I wrote it, I mean inspired it, didn't I?"
"Yes or no please."
"Yes."
"So, when David committed adultery and murdered the husband, what did you do?"
"I killed her baby."
"Whose baby?"
"The woman he slept with."
"You mean the one whose husband was murdered?"
"Yes."
"But you didn't punish the guy who actually broke the laws?"
"Right. But I made it up to her by making her next son the successor to the throne."
"I'm sure that completely made up for the dead one. Can you read the next commandment for us?"
"You shall not steal."
"Have you ever stolen anything?"
"What could I steal? I made everything."
"Have you ever told someone else to steal?"
"Well, it's not really stealing if it's during a war now is it?"
"Ah, so if you command someone to kill people and to take stuff from those that they don't kill, that's OK?"
"I don't understand the question."
"I believe you."
"Well! I'll just credit that to you as righteousness. How about that, huh?"
"MMmm-hmmm. Attempted bribery. Let's move on. Let's see, 'you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.' Would you say that it's OK to bear false witness when it's not against your neighbor?"
"Of course not. Lying is bad."
"You're sure of that?"
"Of course."
"Tell me, god, how long did it take to create the heavens and the Earth?"
"I don't see what that's got to do with anything."
"OK, was there ever a time when there were just two human beings living in a garden, one of whom named all the animals and the other of whom took bad advice from a talking snake that led to mankind being corrupted?"
"Uh, well, um."
"Please just answer the question."
"No. But I never said there was. I simply inspired the writing. I can't be held responsible if writers get creative."
"OK. Well, then did you really give Samson magical hair?"
"Um..."
"And did Elijah really disappear into the sky?"
"Well..."
"And did you or did you not instruct Jesus to talk in parables so that no one would understand him?"
"Well, that's not lying. I can't help it if people don't speak parabalese."
"Let's move on. Have you ever wished that everyone would worship you, not just your chosen people?"
"It'd make things a lot simpler for me if they did."
"Yes or no please."
"Yes."
"Would it be correct to characterize this wish as a longing or a desire?"
"Of course. I yearn for people to love me."
"I see. And if a person chooses to worship, say Vishnu, do you wish that they would worship you instead?"
"Vishnu's a freak man. Usually a female, sometimes a male. It's weird."
"Yes or no please."
"Of course yes! Are you kidding me?"
"So, would it be fair to characterize your attitude toward people who don't follow as coveting?"
"I'd rather not say."
"Have you ever ordered the death of anyone simply on the grounds that that person worshipped another god?"
"Well, that and because they owned some prime real estate, yeah."
"Thank you. The witness is dismissed.
"Your honor, it is our contention that moral laws are in fact absolute and we request the court to rule that the person calling himself 'god' is in fact in violation of every one of them and should be banned from being worshipped.
"We further request that the writings that depict the adventures of this so-called 'god' be prefaced with the standard disclaimer making it clear that the contents of the Bible are a pure work of fiction and that any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"The prosecution rests."
"Your honor, it is our intention to prove that the person representing himself as god is a fraud. The basis of our case rests on the idea of absolute morals. We contend that in order for a moral to be defined as being 'absolute' that such morals must apply to all people equally.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"Why should I start now?"
"Pardon?"
"I said, uh, yeah. Sure."
"Please be seated. I have in my hand a short document. Will you please read this page?"
God takes a copy of the paper handed to him.
"Are these the ten commandments that you gave to Moses in the desert?"
"Um, well, when you say 'gave' what do you mean?"
"Did you write these down or tell Moses to write them?"
"Yes."
"And did you instruct Moses to write anything else? The books of Genesis & Exodus, for example. Did you dictate those to him?"
"No. I inspired him."
"Ah. Now looking at the commandments in your hand, can we agree that the first four are somewhat narcissistic and fatuous?"
"No! They're the most important ones!"
"To whom?"
"Well, obviously, I can't go around letting people worship another god now can I and if they don't have any respect for me then, well, where are we then?"
"Thank you for making my point. Now, this one says not to make any graven images, am I right?"
"Yes."
"Your honor, we would like to submit these twelve chapters of the book of Exodus as testimony. In them, the followers of this god are given specific instructions on how to build the tabernacle etc. Now, god, did you or did you not give detailed instructions on how to build the ark of the covenant including carving two cherubim onto the lid?"
"Well, yeah but..."
"Please just answer yes or no."
"Yes."
"Now, this one here says 'You shall not murder.' Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Have you murdered anyone?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Your honor, I would like to submit the entire Bible that god claims that he inspired as evidence. Isn't it true, god, that this book depicts you wiping out the whole of humanity in a flood, you destroying two cities, you killing innocent children in Egypt, and then you commanding the people that you chose to conquer other nations?"
"So?"
"And in the New Testament, didn't you kill two people who didn't want to give all their money to the new church?"
"Yes."
"So, have you committed murder?"
"Doesn't matter. I'm god."
"Ah! So, the command only applies to humans?"
"Right."
"Except when you tell them to kill people?"
"Right. I mean, wait, um, no. Killing is wrong."
"Let's move on. The next command on there is 'do not commit adultery.' Would you say that is an absolute law as well?"
"I wrote it, I mean inspired it, didn't I?"
"Yes or no please."
"Yes."
"So, when David committed adultery and murdered the husband, what did you do?"
"I killed her baby."
"Whose baby?"
"The woman he slept with."
"You mean the one whose husband was murdered?"
"Yes."
"But you didn't punish the guy who actually broke the laws?"
"Right. But I made it up to her by making her next son the successor to the throne."
"I'm sure that completely made up for the dead one. Can you read the next commandment for us?"
"You shall not steal."
"Have you ever stolen anything?"
"What could I steal? I made everything."
"Have you ever told someone else to steal?"
"Well, it's not really stealing if it's during a war now is it?"
"Ah, so if you command someone to kill people and to take stuff from those that they don't kill, that's OK?"
"I don't understand the question."
"I believe you."
"Well! I'll just credit that to you as righteousness. How about that, huh?"
"MMmm-hmmm. Attempted bribery. Let's move on. Let's see, 'you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.' Would you say that it's OK to bear false witness when it's not against your neighbor?"
"Of course not. Lying is bad."
"You're sure of that?"
"Of course."
"Tell me, god, how long did it take to create the heavens and the Earth?"
"I don't see what that's got to do with anything."
"OK, was there ever a time when there were just two human beings living in a garden, one of whom named all the animals and the other of whom took bad advice from a talking snake that led to mankind being corrupted?"
"Uh, well, um."
"Please just answer the question."
"No. But I never said there was. I simply inspired the writing. I can't be held responsible if writers get creative."
"OK. Well, then did you really give Samson magical hair?"
"Um..."
"And did Elijah really disappear into the sky?"
"Well..."
"And did you or did you not instruct Jesus to talk in parables so that no one would understand him?"
"Well, that's not lying. I can't help it if people don't speak parabalese."
"Let's move on. Have you ever wished that everyone would worship you, not just your chosen people?"
"It'd make things a lot simpler for me if they did."
"Yes or no please."
"Yes."
"Would it be correct to characterize this wish as a longing or a desire?"
"Of course. I yearn for people to love me."
"I see. And if a person chooses to worship, say Vishnu, do you wish that they would worship you instead?"
"Vishnu's a freak man. Usually a female, sometimes a male. It's weird."
"Yes or no please."
"Of course yes! Are you kidding me?"
"So, would it be fair to characterize your attitude toward people who don't follow as coveting?"
"I'd rather not say."
"Have you ever ordered the death of anyone simply on the grounds that that person worshipped another god?"
"Well, that and because they owned some prime real estate, yeah."
"Thank you. The witness is dismissed.
"Your honor, it is our contention that moral laws are in fact absolute and we request the court to rule that the person calling himself 'god' is in fact in violation of every one of them and should be banned from being worshipped.
"We further request that the writings that depict the adventures of this so-called 'god' be prefaced with the standard disclaimer making it clear that the contents of the Bible are a pure work of fiction and that any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"The prosecution rests."