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No Room in the Ark for the Lesbian Lizards

By Hatuey ~

After reading atheistnurse’s piece on Noah’s Ark I decided to revisit the story myself to get a better understanding of it the way she did. Once I began reading, I noticed something in those passages that stood out from all the rest. I also noticed that the particular subject that those verses dealt with were not covered in atheistnurse’s piece. So with a curious mind, a healthy dose of skepticism, and a boatload of information that I gathered from the internet and a few books I decided to show you all the fruits of my research, but if any of you find fault with something do let me know. I would like to use this against any Christian that thinks that the Bible is infallible and I wouldn’t like to be on the losing side of that argument due to having done improper or shady research. Now then, let us have a little biology lesson.

The verses that I was referring to can be found in Genesis 6: 19-20 and they clearly state Biblegod’s intention:
“You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive.” (NIV)

Obviously anyone can see that Biblegod wanted to tell Noah that he wants to preserve the members of the animal kingdom and wanted them to repopulate the planet once the flood waters receded. Now, excluding the ramifications of any genetic disease that might appear or the possibility of incest due to every unclean animal being given the task to propagate the species with only two individuals (Adam and Eve anyone?), we see here that Biblegod at least knows how reproduction works since it was he who the Bible credits with inventing it. One male and one female is all you need in order to have offspring…or is it?

Before I continue with this little endeavor, it is necessary for me to explain the concept of parthenogenesis. To put it simply, parthenogenesis (literally meaning “virgin birth” in Greek) is a form of reproduction in which the growth and development of an embryo or seed requires no need of fertilization by a male. Many invertebrates have this form of asexual reproduction as part of their life cycle but few vertebrates do. A leading exemplar of a vertebrate that is parthenogenic is the Komodo Dragon. It is at this point that a Christian might say “Ah but wait a minute! The female Komodo Dragon only goes through parthenogenesis when there are no viable males to which it can mate with. It still does not refute the necessity of having both a male and a female to propagate the species as the Bible clearly states. You lose!” Though it is true that female Komodo Dragons become parthenogenic only when there are no males to be found, I have to clarify that I only used that particular animal in order to begin my assessment of the subject. And may I say that I’m far from finished.

It is with great pleasure that I now introduce you all with the animal that has helped me with my refutation of those verses. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lepidodactylus lugubris. Commonly known as the Mourning Gecko, this little lizard (just like its much larger reptilian cousin) is also parthenogenic. Though there is a huge difference between the two and it’s a big one. You see, when you’re a Mourning Gecko you’re always having a night out with the girls. Boys are never allowed to join in for the fun because there are simply no boys in the first place. Every single specimen from this species is female and they manage quite fine without ever having a man around the house (sorry guys).

Surely you all must know by now where I’m going with this. But if not, I invite you to reread that verse that I presented earlier. The verse clearly states one male and one female for every unclean animal. No exceptions. A few verses later on in the story shows us that the number of every kind of clean animal is said to be seven, though it's still implied that there must be at least one representative of each sex. Yet all of those verses fail to mention any hint of any lizard with a population that only consists of females. There is no “…male and female (except for those parthenogenic lizards which get two females and no males) to keep them alive with you”.

How can Biblegod, being all knowing, overlook such a simple thing? His word is (according to some denominations) supposed to be infallible. He created those lizards and their form of reproduction. Shouldn’t it say so in that holy book? It seems that the more one reads those verses the more it appears to be quite simply that the Bible is a collection of books written by fallible men who only had a limited understanding of biology and that they didn’t bother to lift the legs of every animal that they encountered in order to confirm its sex.

The way I see it is that, unless there is some sort of lacuna in the book of Genesis, any Christian claiming that the Bible has any exemplary facts when it comes to biology doesn't know what he or she is talking about. Should it be a case of a lacuna, then the Bible is an incomplete work. How many Christians would dare say that? Not many I bet.

The existence of this little Gecko has created a hole in the historicity of the book of Genesis and though the name of this animal has the word mourning in it, I can tell you that I’m not the one who will feel any sorrow from this lizard. I have even made a joke about it. Since it is a Gecko, I thought of something around the likes of the GEICO commercial: 15 minutes of reading these verses could save you 15% or more on brainwashing insurance. That should help people who are recovering from leaving Christianity. Maybe we should make this Gecko a spokesperson for our cause.