Subliminal Cereal and Magic Burgers

By Andrea ~

Have you ever seen one of those comedians who calls himself/herself a ''Christian comedian?'' They try to keep it ''clean'' and say that they are also bringing the Lord's message into it.They act like they are so fresh because they don't make sex jokes, and things like that.But the truth is..I've never seen a funny one. Maybe it's because they are trying so hard to keep everything ''Christian related'' but, to me, they just seem to fall flat.But what IS funny is that they don't realize the joke is actually in what they take seriously.

I see Christianity as a really sad system that traps people and manipulates them.Most of the time when I think about it...I feel the way you would when your dog gets hit by a car..just plain depressed.I don't take it's effect on the world lightly.But as much as I find it sad..sometimes I just end up laughing.I end up laughing because some of the things they say are so ridiculous.They speak this crazy ''code language'' and Christian comedians don't even realize that, in some ways,their religion is the comedy.

After being around them for so many years, I started to ''decode'' some of these weird cryptic sayings.And some of them..I still don't know what they mean.The other day I found something that I wrote once. I called it the ''Christian Dictionary.'' I realized some of it was things I used to take SO seriously, and now it was as goofy to me as the Urban Dictionary.I found myself laughing as I realized what they actually mean.Here's a few that I ''decoded'' and they're probably familiar to you.

''Bless this meal to nourishment of our bodies.''

-One time I was at a church lunch and someone brought Krystal hamburgers. (If you're from the South you know that's a popular fast food chain) It's the kind of place you go when you just want to cheat a little, and have fat on fat with a side order of grease.But they were honestly praying that Jesus would nourish us with this food.So the meaning behind this one is...Jesus can turn your junk food into magic and let it power you all day long!Who knew?!

''Waiting on the Lord'' -

I think this one means something like this ''Pastor Bobby's roof caved in last week,but he's not fretting like other people.He's just waiting on the Lord to get him that discount card to Home Depot!

''God doesn't want us to hide our bodies..he just wants us to show them off in a way that glorifies him''

This one will come off sounding like Jesus wants woman to wrap themselves in a giant tarp,because he has a phobia of body shape,but actually what they mean is that he only has a slight phobia of body shape.So that means he's feeling calm today and he's given you the freedom of showing off your ''up to your chin'' turtle neck sweater with three under shirts under it.Woohoo!

''Be praying for our leaders, and men and woman in uniform''

Uh oh..they seem to be really set on getting Jesus' attention for this one.I think it means he's probably off smoking a joint and sleeping in late, cause he seems to be unaware that the ENTIRE MILITARY needs help!

''I felt a call into mission work.''

Oh we all know what this one means!Jesus isn't really a fan of normal communication and he's using those subliminal messages again!I mean if he wants you to hand out Bibles in a distant land, don't look for him on your phone. Be ready for someone to say that they were eating breakfast and Jesus made their Cheerios form the continent of Africa!

''God can change even the darkest lifestyle''

You mentioned that your third cousin in Oregon is an atheist.Now they are sure he is at home shooting up heroin to go with his Vodka bing,while cheating on his girlfriend and texting Satan.In reality...he's vacuuming his living room while drinking a diet coke.

''We've been redeemed by the blood so we can gather here to magnify his holy name''

This is the most "out there" one.. even Jesus doesn't know what it means . So uh..put away your magnifying glass?

Comments

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~ S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden – Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two

Search This Blog