By Iris ~
Here I am, 35 years old, in the swirling midst of a crisis of faith. I discovered this site several weeks ago, and it has definitely bolstered my confidence and security in my independence and freedom of thought.
However, I cannot shake the sadness and fear of losing my family. Let me explain...I was raised in a very conservative church in the Southern Bible Belt, and as soon as I reached the "age of reason," I felt a nagging in my heart that I did not agree with the fearful, shaming, guilt-ridden teachings of the church I had attended since birth, three times a week. My parents are wonderful, loving people who raised me strictly, but with much affection and love, and my dear brother (one of my best friends) is now a minister in this same religion. I feel, at once, both proud and lonely to be the one dissenter in the family.
I moved to California several years ago and it was a wonderful, freeing experience to not attend church. I can honestly say I have never been so happy in my life. I met many amazing people of all faiths and backgrounds, and California is truly my second home now. I returned to my home state a year ago, I missed my family and friends here terribly. However, once I came back, my mother began to pressure me to go to church. I went a few times, but I felt like I had taken a huge step backwards from the freedom I had felt. I have since stopped going to church completely, but the indoctrination is still present. I feel heartbroken that my family worries so much for my soul, and I must admit that I have that little voice of fear in my mind that asks, "What if they are right? What if I will be separated from my family for eternity?" I cannot imagine anything worse, and I wish I knew a way to get rid of that feeling, because I know that it is a lie...I am a good person simply because I love my fellow man, and I belong with my family in this life regardless of my different beliefs.
So here I am today, on my journey to true freedom, standing strong, resisting pressure, but still a bit fearful. It saddens me that so many of us still feel this pain that indoctrination causes. Will we ever be truly free? How can we turn off the voice?
However, I cannot shake the sadness and fear of losing my family. Let me explain...I was raised in a very conservative church in the Southern Bible Belt, and as soon as I reached the "age of reason," I felt a nagging in my heart that I did not agree with the fearful, shaming, guilt-ridden teachings of the church I had attended since birth, three times a week. My parents are wonderful, loving people who raised me strictly, but with much affection and love, and my dear brother (one of my best friends) is now a minister in this same religion. I feel, at once, both proud and lonely to be the one dissenter in the family.
I moved to California several years ago and it was a wonderful, freeing experience to not attend church. I can honestly say I have never been so happy in my life. I met many amazing people of all faiths and backgrounds, and California is truly my second home now. I returned to my home state a year ago, I missed my family and friends here terribly. However, once I came back, my mother began to pressure me to go to church. I went a few times, but I felt like I had taken a huge step backwards from the freedom I had felt. I have since stopped going to church completely, but the indoctrination is still present. I feel heartbroken that my family worries so much for my soul, and I must admit that I have that little voice of fear in my mind that asks, "What if they are right? What if I will be separated from my family for eternity?" I cannot imagine anything worse, and I wish I knew a way to get rid of that feeling, because I know that it is a lie...I am a good person simply because I love my fellow man, and I belong with my family in this life regardless of my different beliefs.
So here I am today, on my journey to true freedom, standing strong, resisting pressure, but still a bit fearful. It saddens me that so many of us still feel this pain that indoctrination causes. Will we ever be truly free? How can we turn off the voice?
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