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Never Ending Story

By Heero Yuy ~
“History is much like an endless waltz, the three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever.”
- Gundam Wing Endless Waltz

“Ah, love, let us be true To one another! for the world, which seems To lie before us like a land of dreams, So various, so beautiful, so new, Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain; And we are here as on a darkling plain Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, Where ignorant armies clash by night.”
-Mathew Arnold, Dover Beach

So it is in the human heart.

HeeroImage by Ray.waltz via Flickr
For much of my life, I was a Christian. Yet, I kept seeing cracks in my faith, and I did not know what to do with them. I have always been a deep thinker. Early on, I thought about the concept of an eternity in heaven. At first the idea seemed wonderful, and yet I thought that boredom must set in before eternity, and this was just another form of hell. This set off severe panic attacks within me. It felt like the sky above was falling onto my chest.

Later on I would have fears about darkness. I was afraid that if I did not perform actions in a certain way, I would be doomed to a realm worse than death, without senses, alone, forever. Sometimes these thoughts about eternity and darkness would come at the same time, and I would feel relief, because one must not be as bad as the other. It was like being in the cavern between the Grand Canyon.

“I am not contending for the morality of Homer; on the contrary, I think it a book of false glory, tending to inspire immoral and mischievous notions of honor; and with respect to Aesop, though the moral is in general just, the
the fable is often cruel;

and the cruelty of the fable does more injury to the heart, especially in a child, than the moral does good to the judgment.”
-Thomas Paine, Age of Reason

Reading the Bible did not help me. I was amazed to see others around me shouting praises to God. I knew he must be good, but why did he always pronounce judgment on the people. Why didn’t he help them. It was just commands, commands, and commands. It was as if he wanted them to fail. Why not give them a way to overcome their problems? It just kept being the same cycle, over and over.

I knew that Jesus must be amazing, but why did he speak of everything in punishment and reward. Why not do good for its own sake. Why did he tell others to love their enemies, and then continuously mock, ridicule, scorn, and assume the worst in the Pharisees and Sadducees

I have gone through so much in these past few years. My father always abused my family. Ironically he was somewhat liberal in his religion in some aspects (believing Buddhists/muslims/atheists can get to heaven too) but he was racist and cruel in others. He just used religion to manipulate us. He wanted to destroy our family. I am glad that he is gone.

Did those things make since? I do not really even like to bring them up. I have thought about them, and something just didn’t seem right.

It was about the end of high school. I was just coming out of a cycle of extreme anxiety. Maybe, just maybe, I thought, there is truth outside the bible.

It has been a long journey since then, and my beliefs are still forming.

Some thoughts that I need to get down:

  • I am not an atheist. I am using homeopathy to help me. I am reading an alternative history by Antony Fomenko on google books. I am trying to pick up the pieces.
  • I have fought and am winning against a feeling that any good thing I do must prove Christianity right because Christianity advocates doing good. What logic ;-) (or lack thereof).
  • Mankind is searching. Americans especially are seekers. We want to know and see what is out there. I do not know what to think anymore.
  • I am starting over. I am going to become a different, better person. I am going to re-educate myself.
  • Yet I feel so dead inside. I feel like such a fool for changing my beliefs.
  • The cycles of fear and happiness come, and they go. I will overcome them.

Final Thoughts:

I write this from a hospital room. A family member is very sick. We don’t know what to do. I am sorry for the poor quality of my submission, but I needed to get these things out of my system. Perhaps my quality will improve in future posts.

I hope that this testimonial is not used against me. I will have to take my chances. We all must start somewhere on the road to recovery.

Please check out: Debunking the arguments of Christian fundamentalists and evangelists by Winston Wu.

“present your confusion to the earth”
–Tao Te Ching Bright-fey translation

I would be glad to discuss my story with non believers and believers, as long as there is no trolling.


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