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My Story about fear, manipulation and control.

By SueAnne ~

So here I am after being raised Christian and living it strongly my entire life, 39 years old and I’m left with nothing. I woke up one day in August, 2017 and it was like someone unplugged (or possibly plugged in) something in my brain and it was all gone. Every ounce of belief or faith I’d had was gone. I felt like God had left me overnight. I remember telling my husband, I feel like God has left me. Like it’s all gone. He, like most believers, quoted a scripture at me about how god would never abandon me blah blah blah. It didn’t help, it pissed me off and I said for the first time in my life, I don’t care what the bible says! He’s gone. I didn’t feel it anymore.

Let me clarify that I never questioned god or jesus and had never struggled with my faith. I was one arrogant Christian who could quote scriptures at you like no one else. I didn’t need proof, I just knew. Until that one day...suddenly I didn’t know anything.

No one at church spoke about a crisis of faith. Not until I finally had one. I tried talking to the pastors and was questioned about what I was reading, what shows I was watching, and how much time I was spending reading the bible. No one had any answers and the more judgemental questions they threw at me the angrier I became. It almost seemed like they were less concerned about my spiritual well being than they were afraid of others finding out about this crisis. I told them, it might be wise to teach Christians about this so they’re more prepared!? They ignored my suggestions and basically said were sorry this happened and have a nice life.

By October we, my husband and I and our 3 children stopped attending church and we just sort of said were just taking a step back from it all. Nobody came after us or cared. I even had a friend tell me “i’m so glad to hear it’s a faith crisis and nothing about the church or someone hurting you.”

Christianity is not about love it’s about control... Fear, manipulation and control.
I started doing my own research. I decided that I was going to research other options. Do the unthinkable! I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped listening to Christian music and I started reading about things I’ve always loved but was told to be afraid of, like science. Yes Christians are so scared of science and everything else. I was feeling like I was reborn! It was weird but I honestly was having a great time. This new life was very attractive right from the beginning. I noticed I was happier than I remember feeling. Life was exciting and I didn’t have those lifelong feelings of guilt, shame, fear...etc. I felt free! I was loving my new life but was still confused. Wasn’t freedom one of Christianity’s biggest claims? Freedom! Lies. It isn’t true. The only time I truly felt free was when I finally admitted to my husband, I’m not a Christian anymore and I don’t want to be. He wasn’t raised in church and was easy to win over to the fun freedom filled life where I could watch a UFO documentary or a show about the human brain! No guilt or fear!

Christianity is not about love it’s about control... Fear, manipulation and control. I said it twice because it’s their biggest thing. Try telling a Christian they might be wrong or you don’t agree and you see anger. They can become nasty and quickly. If you’re going to mess with the control they have over others they will quickly dismiss you from their lives. They’re some of the meanest people I know.

Its an ongoing journey and I am trying to take it day by day. I am still struggling with anger towards Christians in general but it’s getting better with time. It doesn’t help that my close friend, who is still a believer but trying to understand and walk with me regardless of our beliefs, told me last night over coffee that she is certain that I’m demon possessed! I needed to be doing spiritual warfare and to be delivered from the demons. Friends told her this and offered to help me through their 6 month healing course they offered for a small fee.

I laughed in her face and said I don’t feel possessed I feel happy. She just said that that’s Satan’s trick.

Im basically almost 40 and starting over. I have my husband and children’s support. Everyone else I know is a believer. It’s not easy telling people what has happened and that I’m an atheist unless someone can show me something real. It hurts people and I feel completely on my own.

Saying all of that, I still wouldn’t change it now. At first I kept hoping it would just magically switch back and I would wake up praising the lord. Not now. I am happier than I’ve ever been. I just need to keep moving forward and find others on the same journey


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