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Washing the Brainwash

By Agnes ~

Hello. I have recently been able to say [with my own voice that I have recently developed for the first time] that I am not a christian, and I have searched for a place like this for support.

Sorry We are Closed
Image by Sand Creation via Flickr
I was born into a Lutheran family, and attended my Lutheran school/church for 6 days a week, for the first 14 years of my life. This adds up to 4,032 days of my life, not including minor exceptions for Saturday church events. I blossomed at this place, from sitting in Sunday school at age 7 contemplating my existence while everyone else sang "Go Tell it on the Mountain", to wondering what happens to Ethiopian children after death while my 7th teacher talks about hell.

I have a deep love for nostalgia; Despite the beautiful and deceptive memories I have of "fellowship", and of my "faith walk", I have realized that I was born into a family with a mind that is incapable of working like theirs. I realize now, looking back at my youth group events, camps, school days, fundraisers, chapel services, etc. that I was always, always contradicted in the back of my head with my natural feelings. This was all between the ages of 0 and 14 with me, so as I was having feelings of discomfort and disbelief, I was still able to convince myself that they were "wrong" and brainwash myself into believe that I believe (if that makes sense) for the sake of having the all around secure feeling of pleasing my "God" and living "forever".

This severely delayed my development of a voice, a conscience, a personality, and mind, interests, knowledge, talents, a self.

This also caused a severe self destruction in my young female life, being around males who view me as a possession, a project, rather than a human.

For the past 3 years, I have been constantly exposing myself to everything I was kept from. Sci-fi movies, the world of folklore, christian theology, the science behind homosexuality, anything I'm interested in that I was never able to learn about.

I have also read about the history of the bible to the point that I understand why my family is brainwashed, and it hurts me.

I am 21 years old and in love with my boyfriend of 2 years (we're both spiritualists, and agree that we are no one to say what that concept of god even is). I have been living with him and his family for about a year, and plan to soon move into an apartment with him and 3 others, (all boys, they're our friends). It's just the most logical way to live until we're out of school, in order to save money, etc.

My mom, being a christian, is surprisingly supportive because she understands that I'm an adult and should be able to make my own choices without guilt. My dad is the opposite, and continues to guilt me and cry and claim that I'm not the daughter he raised, when, in all reality, I am, I've just developed a belief system of my own that is different.

I have studied enough to understand that the concept of abstinence in the bible rooted from the need for growth of religion, and the reliance of family structure in order to make that happen. Same with homosexuality, reproduction needed to happen for the growth of religion in that time. There is an explanation for everything, every "rule" written in the bible and it saddens me that people have come to the point that they think they will go to hell if they fail to follow.

It saddens me even more that people will use what it says to manipulate others to live a morally acceptable life in their eyes.

Part of me feels that humans already knew how terrible of a species we were back then to the point that they made this system, this "hell" and these "commandments" and these stories only to control the future of the human species. (just a thought)

Anyways, I can't really label myself anything. I like to say I am a spiritualist but my logic overpowers it most of the time. Except in the winter. I just love nature, and doing what is healthy. No, I don't sleep around, or do drugs, or self destruct, or hate nice Christians, I'm just tired of the brainwashing. I just want to live healthily and happily with no one telling me that I have to write on a paper and have witnesses that I'm married before I can make love to the person I'm utterly in love with. I want people who experience feelings for someone of the same sex to be able to express them because yes, I understand it's against the natural order of reproduction, but it is not against natural order itself because it obviously happens.

Life is never meant to be structured and fundamental, it is never supposed to be that simple, and I feel for those for are missing out on precious time to be free.

"god has a voice, he speaks through me,
god has a voice she speaks through me"