I Hate That People Prayed For Me When I Was 2 or 3,
& Whatever Happened To "Trusting God's Plan?"
by MTC ~
Let me start by saying, that I'm not having plans or intentions of taking my own life.
That being said, I (39F) got really sick when I was 2 or 3 years old. Everyone everywhere was praying for me, because they thought I was going to die. It was during this time that I was diagnosed with autism. Even though I turned out to be higher-functioning, in several ways I practically got punished for having autism (even though I sure as heck didn't choose to have it), and my family had to endure their own challenges and obstacles as a result of my diagnosis, and I feel horrible for them.
I also ended up being an "early bloomer," developing breasts at 10 and starting my period at 11. As silly as it may sound, to this very day having been an "early bloomer" is one of the major reasons I have to take anti-depressants and other similar medications. It was during my early teens when I learned about being sick in earlier childhood and everyone praying for me. I couldn't help but get the impression that they all prayed for me, because they wanted me to grow up and experience the humiliations that come along with it. Well, they sure got what they wanted!
One of the folks who prayed hard for me, was a longtime family friend, who lost one of her own kids to SIDS years before I was even born. I can't help but think, "You managed to move on with your life when one of your own kids died, surely you could move on with your life if a kid who wasn't yours died..."
According to Xtianity, I have to accept all of this as "God's plan."Like many other kids, I also had the experience of being made fun of, teased, and bullied. Had I died when I was 2 or 3, I never would've had to go through that either!
I also can't help but feel horrible for people whose sick kids do pass away...if I got to get better, why couldn't they? Ah, because their untimely deaths were part of "God's plan" and me still being here, even though I never had any desire to be here anyway, is part of his plan too...according to Xtians, that is! If we're supposed to trust and have faith in this plan of his, why even bother with prayer, hmm?
TL;DR version:
I hate that people prayed for me when I was 2 or 3; If I had died, I never would've had to experience the humiliations of growing up, challenges of having autism, bullying and teasing, and my family wouldn't have had to endure their hardships due to my diagnosis. I also feel guilty that I was able to get better, while other sick kids don't. According to Xtianity, I have to accept all of this as "God's plan."
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