In recent thought I have realized that whether I decide to continue in the Christian faith, or move in to a different form of faith, in any direction I want to go with my worldview I will have to embrace uncertainty. If I decide I don’t believe in God I have to live with uncertainty. If I decide I do believe in God I have to live with uncertainty. So basically what I’m realizing is quite simply that I need to embrace this reality. I need to find peace in not knowing.
The hard part for me is that the times in my life when I have felt the most joy and the most fulfilled have been in times of strong faith. From that statement the answer might appear simple that I should choose a life of faith and pursue that joy. That’s what I’ve tried for the past two years and I keep ending up back in the same painful position of disappointment. These times of joy and fulfillment never last more than a day or two usually and rarely have lasted up to a month. But I always whiplash right back to disappointment and depression. I have felt bi-polar at times and I just cannot live with the double-mindedness anymore. I’m over the vicious cycle. As I’ve said in another post—If God does indeed exist then I am quite frustrated with Him.
I’m realizing is quite simply that I need to embrace this reality. I need to find peace in not knowing. I’m sick of the hide-and-seek game. I’m sick of only having dreams, impressions and “prophetic words” to hear from Him. I’m sorry but sometimes I need more than a damn impression. I’m sick of reading the same words in the Bible again and again only to not see what it talks about happening in my life. I’m sick of praying for sick to be healed with nothing happening. I’m sick of the answer for everything being to pray about it and “God is in control.” Clearly He is not because so much of the world lives in poverty, suffering and anguish. Oh, but this is the effect of the fall. That’s right, it’s all man’s fault that there is suffering, not God.
My words sound angry and I am. I am angry at one of two things. If God exists I am angry at Him for deciding to make life the way He has and being so distant from humankind. If God does not exist I am angry at myself for buying into the lie of hope in religion. I’ve told God that the ball is in His court. If He is interested in me then He can come and get me. Otherwise I am through pursuing… at least for now. I think the most honest answer to life is agnosticism. Agnosticism simply and honestly says, “I don’t know.” So that’s where I stand today. I don’t know and that’s ok. That has to be ok because it’s my only choice.
These words hurt to write. I can feel disappointment throughout my entire being and some fear too. Religion had become my self-medication. It was my fix all. It took me out of alcoholism. It gave me hope that there was a way out of my depression. I feel that I only supplemented one addiction for another. I feel more lost than ever.
Filed Under: Testimonials