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Scraps from god

By Eveningmeadows ~

I left religion almost twenty years ago. This was my final test:

When I first left (I decided when I was sitting out in my screen house), I would ask god to send me someone to talk to about my questions and doubts. It was an easy walk, they could park on the side of the road, and walk down the hill to the screen house. We have a wooded area that is very park like, and the screen house is there. I would be able to see them coming down the hill while sitting in the screen house. So I prayed that prayer for three years, every summer sitting in my screen house. At that point I had enough doubts that I didn't really think anyone would show up, but it would be nice. God would send them a message, you know like, it was laid upon my heart, the Lord was speaking to me, He told me to stop here that I had a message for you the usual. I didn't worry that this person couldn't find me or my house, because people talk about these great miracles god showed them. A coveted parking space at the crowded mall, chicken breasts on sale at the market, picking a winning lottery ticket. So I knew god would show this individual where I live and I needed to talk to a real, compassionate human who would show me god was real. one ever showed up. At this point I had two reasons why. God didn't really love me, I was unlovable, or there was no god. I realized there was no god. I can remember to this day, almost 15 years ago, the lightness that I felt, the feeling that I was finally free from the fear and disappointment of religion. I also realized that since there is no god, we are all struggling with our own stuff, and have very little room for anyone else's.

I had a memory come to mind a few days ago. My ex had left for another woman for the third time, I received no support from him. I was living in a freezing apartment on the third floor, with very little if any insulation. My kids and I dressed in long johns, sweaters, and sat on the couch with blankets. I kept the gas and gas stove on high, and in order to get the heat in the living room, had a tiny fan in the doorway. I was severely depressed, and tried my best to hide it from my kids. The fundy church and later conservative church I was in was of no use to me on a practical level. I believed that I was some kind of testimony to people around me. By living in a freezing apartment, driving an old car, struggling with depression and trying to raise two kids on very little money, I actually thought my religion offered people something they didn't have. I would go to people's houses I worked for, and put on a happy face to show them that in spite of being horribly depressed, poor, and having no way out of any of that, I was happy in the Lord! I laugh now. I actually thought my miserable life was a witness to those happy, rich women I worked for. They had good husbands, nice houses, good jobs, new cars, vacations, hope for the future. Many were catholic. I thought I could lead them to my religion! What did my religion offer them? Hopelessness where they had hope, their god was better than mine was. And yet I carried on like that. Blinded by the fact that my life sucked to these women.

I was finally free from the fear and disappointment of religion. I also realized that since there is no god, we are all struggling with our own stuff, and have very little room for anyone else's.Now I think that all this great, mighty god had to do was wave his baby finger, just a little wave, and take my depression away, give me back my brain, my ability to go to school and create hope in my life. A life that many in the church already had. The pretty women, the thin women, the ones that had made the right decisions years ago, because their self esteem was better than mine. Why did I get scraps while they got the full meal? In the same church, with the same beliefs, I read my bible through three or four times, volunteered at the church and christian school. Was a custodian at the church, went to bible studies, Sunday school, church twice on Sundays, felt the necessary guilt when I supposedly sinned. Some of the women and I were equally busy in the church, they had good lives, some never stepped in church except on Sunday mornings or if it benefited them. They got the same good life as the busy women. I was busy in the church, drank the kool-aid, and nothing. And I was supposed to see all this and believe that I deserved scraps from this god? That I wasn't holy enough, that this was gods will for my life? This was supposed to be enough for me. Just the depression being lifted would have been enough.

I know there is no god. I didn't get scraps, that just the way things were for me because of decisions I made when I was young. It it what it is. I no longer have to wonder why my life sucked and others had good lives. It just was the way things worked out for me. Life with out god is good, and not every question can be answered, and bad things happen to good people because that's the way it is. There are grey areas.