By Withheld ~
It took me twenty seven years to understand that Christianity is a hoax run by talented, charismatic, misogynistic men and women. People who proselytize with the tongues of Satan and demand to paid for their time.
As a child I was forced to attend a run down, shamble of an Assembly of God church. I can remember asking to not attend as I did not like the church. My mom told me no. Every week without fail I was dragged along to an old building filled with the poorest and most uneducated people around. The congregation was filled with the outcasts of society who were made up of drug users, adulterers, domestic violence abusers, ex criminals, rape victims, dysfunctional types because they couldn't be bothered to try to live healthier lives or didn't want to break out of the cycle of abuse.
Sunday mornings were filled with sitting around in the damp space at the back of the old building, half listening to the muffled old PA system as
the preacher mumbled about something usually to do with having had lunch at some other member's house that prior weekend. Nobody ever cared, they just wanted to hear confirmation about their being perfect before a God and their assured ascendance into heaven, and of course those delicious rebukes of the people outside of the church in their homes. Those outside people were the abusive, stupid failures that needed saving. Nobody mentioned the horridness manifest within the church attendees. Reality hurts.
I'd play at the back of the church occasionally being snapped at by some old woman self assigned to run back to keep the kids in line as the adult hypocrites at the front of the church played at being pious. We'd secretly file out of the church's squeaky double doors to go play outside where no mean old faces could catch up to us. There were no Sunday bible lessons. There was no coloring in or memorizing of scripture. Nobody taught us about God beyond accepting reprimanded and gushing up about the hitting at home later on if a parent felt they'd been publicly shamed by their little Satan.
Homework didn't exist on weekends and neither did sport. I sat listening to the flaws and failures of others as discussed by the Christian adults on a Saturday. Come Sunday the facades were up, sins and acts of recent domestic abuses hidden, and we all pretended to be good and better than those without of the church year after year.
Surely enough the congregation broke down then attacked their pastor. The women fought over who got to lead the preaching of the church and do the singing, and the men either left their families or fought over who got to fuck which woman that week. Family disintegration was rife. Backlash from the communities followed and it was brutal. As a kid I regularly had to start devising ways of protecting myself from the other kids because they'd started to abuse me every day for belong to a cultist church. Every day became a battle ground of with standing being beaten up, verbally abused and slandered. Being ostracized became my social norm. No friends. No games. No parties. Nothing.
I never talked to the other kids about church but I still bore the brunt of their abuse alone. Eventually their parents abused me too. I wasn't good enough for the church, I was never taught the bible, and I was never good enough for the people.
Sunday attendance was compulsory and became an exercise of watching my mom make a fool of herself with the other fools. It would be years until I
could refuse to ever sit in the old, wet building watching people pretend they'd seen any church miracles performed to keep the Christian conditioning alive. I remember saying I didn't want to attend anymore and I remember that being the turning point for mom. Her demeanor toward me at home changed from nasty to cruel. I was that stupid, signaled child. Her neglect and scathing words became daily rituals of icy reminders that I was now seen as being Satan. She'd started to tell me I was Satan.
From the onset of adolescence I had to not only complete my household chores but also new chores such as cooking and washing my own clothes. I'd
always had to get myself ready for school and pack my own lunch as soon as I was big enough to wield the bread knife in my tiny chubby hands to cut my sandwich in two.
The neglect at home worsened as did my parent's marriage. The community was now abusing my dad at work and she was busy picking religious fights with churches and random families. When she was given her own car it became a license to blare Christian songs repetitively from its speakers as she sat parked in the main street pretending as though the volume wasn't insanely loud. A couple years forward, mom was rarely ever at home. She was always neglecting her family but turned up to take my dad's money. She eventually got herself a job as a nurse but always reminded us her money was her money. Meanwhile the rest of us lived poorly and neglected. My older siblings left home as soon as they'd finished high school. I was spared their emotional outbursts and beatings. They hated me too. They hated God. They hated their family.
The home became very quiet. I stopped attending school regularly, but that was OK as my grades had dropped and the students and teachers were abusive. Being at home suited me. Nobody could see me cry for hours or laugh at my pain attacks any more. I'd even missed the idea my mom had stuck in her head that she'd go back to high school to attend the exact same classes as me so she could keep her eyes watching me. My mom started to tell me daily that I had almost caused her to commit suicide due to my satanic behavior until the day my dad found out. Never again did she start screaming that specific lie at me. She did become scarcer at home though, she fancied her brother-in-law and we all knew it including her sister. Dad fell into depression and would sit every evening after work in front of the TV watching news and soapies before going to bed. He'd only talk to me to yell at me usually as directed by my mom. By this time I had left school. Mom had decided I was dead weight in the home and allocated the daily house hold chores to me including the nightly dinners. Being dumb it was all I was good for as I'd never shown aptitude academically or in sport. Nobody liked me. I never went out. Clearly I had the problems. I was the stupid Satanist. By this time I was regularly being told by this Christian mother that I was to think about moving out and not to worry that my life had no prospects because Jesus Christ was coming back soon. I should go have a baby. I should go away. I was the source of her problems.
Mom would go to educational groups and travel to places in her car. She even started to work on Sundays. Then she secretly became a qualified
pastor. License to abuse achieved.
End of part 1
It took me twenty seven years to understand that Christianity is a hoax run by talented, charismatic, misogynistic men and women. People who proselytize with the tongues of Satan and demand to paid for their time.
As a child I was forced to attend a run down, shamble of an Assembly of God church. I can remember asking to not attend as I did not like the church. My mom told me no. Every week without fail I was dragged along to an old building filled with the poorest and most uneducated people around. The congregation was filled with the outcasts of society who were made up of drug users, adulterers, domestic violence abusers, ex criminals, rape victims, dysfunctional types because they couldn't be bothered to try to live healthier lives or didn't want to break out of the cycle of abuse.
Sunday mornings were filled with sitting around in the damp space at the back of the old building, half listening to the muffled old PA system as
the preacher mumbled about something usually to do with having had lunch at some other member's house that prior weekend. Nobody ever cared, they just wanted to hear confirmation about their being perfect before a God and their assured ascendance into heaven, and of course those delicious rebukes of the people outside of the church in their homes. Those outside people were the abusive, stupid failures that needed saving. Nobody mentioned the horridness manifest within the church attendees. Reality hurts.
I'd play at the back of the church occasionally being snapped at by some old woman self assigned to run back to keep the kids in line as the adult hypocrites at the front of the church played at being pious. We'd secretly file out of the church's squeaky double doors to go play outside where no mean old faces could catch up to us. There were no Sunday bible lessons. There was no coloring in or memorizing of scripture. Nobody taught us about God beyond accepting reprimanded and gushing up about the hitting at home later on if a parent felt they'd been publicly shamed by their little Satan.
Homework didn't exist on weekends and neither did sport. I sat listening to the flaws and failures of others as discussed by the Christian adults on a Saturday. Come Sunday the facades were up, sins and acts of recent domestic abuses hidden, and we all pretended to be good and better than those without of the church year after year.
Surely enough the congregation broke down then attacked their pastor. The women fought over who got to lead the preaching of the church and do the singing, and the men either left their families or fought over who got to fuck which woman that week. Family disintegration was rife. Backlash from the communities followed and it was brutal. As a kid I regularly had to start devising ways of protecting myself from the other kids because they'd started to abuse me every day for belong to a cultist church. Every day became a battle ground of with standing being beaten up, verbally abused and slandered. Being ostracized became my social norm. No friends. No games. No parties. Nothing.
I never talked to the other kids about church but I still bore the brunt of their abuse alone. Eventually their parents abused me too. I wasn't good enough for the church, I was never taught the bible, and I was never good enough for the people.
Sunday attendance was compulsory and became an exercise of watching my mom make a fool of herself with the other fools. It would be years until I
could refuse to ever sit in the old, wet building watching people pretend they'd seen any church miracles performed to keep the Christian conditioning alive. I remember saying I didn't want to attend anymore and I remember that being the turning point for mom. Her demeanor toward me at home changed from nasty to cruel. I was that stupid, signaled child. Her neglect and scathing words became daily rituals of icy reminders that I was now seen as being Satan. She'd started to tell me I was Satan.
From the onset of adolescence I had to not only complete my household chores but also new chores such as cooking and washing my own clothes. I'd
always had to get myself ready for school and pack my own lunch as soon as I was big enough to wield the bread knife in my tiny chubby hands to cut my sandwich in two.
The neglect at home worsened as did my parent's marriage. The community was now abusing my dad at work and she was busy picking religious fights with churches and random families. When she was given her own car it became a license to blare Christian songs repetitively from its speakers as she sat parked in the main street pretending as though the volume wasn't insanely loud. A couple years forward, mom was rarely ever at home. She was always neglecting her family but turned up to take my dad's money. She eventually got herself a job as a nurse but always reminded us her money was her money. Meanwhile the rest of us lived poorly and neglected. My older siblings left home as soon as they'd finished high school. I was spared their emotional outbursts and beatings. They hated me too. They hated God. They hated their family.
The home became very quiet. I stopped attending school regularly, but that was OK as my grades had dropped and the students and teachers were abusive. Being at home suited me. Nobody could see me cry for hours or laugh at my pain attacks any more. I'd even missed the idea my mom had stuck in her head that she'd go back to high school to attend the exact same classes as me so she could keep her eyes watching me. My mom started to tell me daily that I had almost caused her to commit suicide due to my satanic behavior until the day my dad found out. Never again did she start screaming that specific lie at me. She did become scarcer at home though, she fancied her brother-in-law and we all knew it including her sister. Dad fell into depression and would sit every evening after work in front of the TV watching news and soapies before going to bed. He'd only talk to me to yell at me usually as directed by my mom. By this time I had left school. Mom had decided I was dead weight in the home and allocated the daily house hold chores to me including the nightly dinners. Being dumb it was all I was good for as I'd never shown aptitude academically or in sport. Nobody liked me. I never went out. Clearly I had the problems. I was the stupid Satanist. By this time I was regularly being told by this Christian mother that I was to think about moving out and not to worry that my life had no prospects because Jesus Christ was coming back soon. I should go have a baby. I should go away. I was the source of her problems.
Mom would go to educational groups and travel to places in her car. She even started to work on Sundays. Then she secretly became a qualified
pastor. License to abuse achieved.
End of part 1
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