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Christian Math Just Doesn't Add Up

By Astreja

One thing I've noticed about Christians proselytizing online is that rather a lot of them try to come across as Scientists, with a capital S.  In this context, one gets to hear all sorts of twisted misinterpretations of physics and biology.  Not one of them seems to understand what the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics actually is, but it crops up an awful lot.  Evolution deniers are legion.   Chemistry pops up once in a while too, but usually only when a Young Earth Creationist is whining about Carbon14 dating.

Today, though, I specifically want to talk about Christian Mathematics, and red-pencil a few key equations.

First, there's the puzzle of the Trinity, wherein 1 + 1 + 1 = 1.   One does not need a calculator or more than a grade 6 education to determine that the correct equation is this:

⅓ + ⅓ + ⅓ = 1

In other words, Jesus, Yahweh, and the Holy Ghost only count for one-third of a god each, and with Jesus temporarily out of the picture between Good Friday and Easter Sunday the Godhead was operating at .666... strength (but presumably still had the power to reanimate the corpse of the remaining third of the group).

(Speaking of Easter, why do so many people say that Jesus was dead for 3 days?  Friday afternoon to Sunday at dawn is actually less than 2 days.)

Then there's the Noachide flood.  Ever worked out the rate of rainfall?  It's fascinating.  Given constants of 40 days (40 x 24 = 960 hours), and the summit of Everest (29,029 feet) as the high water mark, that comes out to 29,029 ÷  960  = 30.238541666... feet per hour.  That's a a rather heavy rainfall, more than enough to pulverize and capsize a homemade wooden boat.

Finally, believers assert that hell is justified because Biblegod is somehow infinitely offended by the missteps of those awful, awful mortals, and an infinite crime deserves an infinite punishment.

Christian version:

Let G = God's Glory, with an initial value of ∞, and
Let S = Sin event.

G - S = (G - S), or (∞ - s)
(infinite divine glory reduced by a single mortal sin).

To preserve the value of G, one must move "sin" to the right side of the equation, and add the punishment variable P to add back the missing glory.

G = S + P

Unfortunately, since this alleged glory is infinite, any missing part must likewise be infinite and therefore the punishment has to be infinite as well.  At least, that's what they keep telling us.

Revised version:

Given an infinite god affected by a finite phenomenon, the correct response is to see the sin as an infinitesimal:

S = 1/G, or 1/∞

In the eyes of an immortal and omnipotent being, the actions of a mortal should be so vanishingly insignificant as to have no appreciable effect whatsoever (and in the case of an omniscient deity, not even raise an eyebrow because the action was foreknown from the beginning of time anyway).

Of course one could avoid all this nonsense by simply viewing the god as imaginary, but then you'd be dividing by zero.