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Satirically Yours

By Carl S ~

Let us pray. Dear God we thank thee for those who have died in wars for our freedoms. We thank thee especially for the deaths of gay and lesbian members of our armed forces, as well as for the deaths of the atheists, agnostics, and other non-Christians.

Because of their support of our freedoms, not only we, but Father Couglin, Bill O'Reilly, Mike Huckabee, Pat Robertson, Justice Scalia, and many other true Christians, are free to mock those just like them, tell lies about them, encourage others to hate them, and to work religiously and without ceasing to deprive them of their rights.

We also thank thee for their sacrifices that enable us to deny their wives, mothers, and sisters access to health care and decisions for their own bodies. Truly thou hast worked in mysterious ways to bring thy good from the deaths of the wicked and unbelievers. We thank thee in Jesus' name. Amen.

From June 2-4, 2016, the Reason Rally was held in Washington, D.C. Media channels covering the rally (attended by upwards of 30,000 concerned citizens), were C-Span and Al Jazerra. MSNBC broadcast part of the event on an early Saturday morning, when most people were sleeping in.

This was followed shortly thereafter by: The first open atheist  declared himself a candidate for the office of President of the United States. A soft-spoken and reasonably charismatic man, he vowed to support the Constitution and to defend America from its enemies, both foreign and domestic. He swore to uphold the rights of every citizen regardless of ethnic background, color, or faith, and will not favor one religion over another. He will ensure the hungry are fed, and that every citizen is ensured the right to accessible health care.

Mainstream media covering his campaign have called him everything from "A breath of fresh air" to an “Immoral monster," with one commentator saying, "This is the Ataturk our country needs." Fox News, in a "fair and balanced" assessment, labeled him, "A one - man war on Christians." Various respondents to his candidacy, thru e-mails and other social media, have provoked the government into providing the candidate with triple the normal amount of secret service guards to protect him.

Hollywood actor River Cruise, a leading member of the Church of Scifiology declared, "This is what we can expect when the likes of Donald Trump and his loudmouth sound bites are favored by the media - anything goes. The atheists are responsible for our losses in Iraq and Vietnam, without a doubt. They need to be investigated by the same committees that investigated the tragedy of Benghazi." Further, he stated that, "To me, all religions are created equal, but some are more equal than others." (Regarding a prior comment related to this, Mr. Cruise apologized for saying, "Sure black lives matter, but white lives matter more.")

In response, the Reverend Pat Robertson went on air in prime time to tell millions of Americans, "If this man is elected, God's wrath will cause the San Andreas Fault to open, tumbling western California into the Pacific Ocean. Then the Mississippi River will split like the Red Sea of Moses’ time, renting the country in two, and Massachusetts, the instigator of gay marriage, will likewise suffer from earthquakes. Only God's Bible Belt will remain totally intact, becoming the New United States of America." While thousands in his audience greeted this revelation with applause and a standing ovation, still others left to purchase guns.

The American Life League and Family Values Summit League announced they will join forces with Mormons, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists, in "Defending and upholding "our Judeo-Christian heritage," embodied in the Constitution and threatened by increasing erosion from the godless secularists." Meanwhile, liberal Christian spokesmen declared "It is better to worship an elephant-headed god than none at all."

Dan stayed overnight at his friend Tim's house. The next morning, Tim came into the kitchen to find Dan eating a bowl of soup. Gazing into the soup, he asked what the white pieces floating on top were.

Dan: "I crumpled the cracker lying over there into it."

Tim: "That "cracker" belongs to my mom. She's sick and someone from her church brought it here for her. It's Holy Communion."

Dan: "Huh? What's communion?"

Tim: “It's the body Of Christ, you fool!"

Dan: "Then why didn't he say something?"