Skip to main content

Satirically Yours

By Carl S ~

Let us pray. Dear God we thank thee for those who have died in wars for our freedoms. We thank thee especially for the deaths of gay and lesbian members of our armed forces, as well as for the deaths of the atheists, agnostics, and other non-Christians.

Because of their support of our freedoms, not only we, but Father Couglin, Bill O'Reilly, Mike Huckabee, Pat Robertson, Justice Scalia, and many other true Christians, are free to mock those just like them, tell lies about them, encourage others to hate them, and to work religiously and without ceasing to deprive them of their rights.

We also thank thee for their sacrifices that enable us to deny their wives, mothers, and sisters access to health care and decisions for their own bodies. Truly thou hast worked in mysterious ways to bring thy good from the deaths of the wicked and unbelievers. We thank thee in Jesus' name. Amen.

From June 2-4, 2016, the Reason Rally was held in Washington, D.C. Media channels covering the rally (attended by upwards of 30,000 concerned citizens), were C-Span and Al Jazerra. MSNBC broadcast part of the event on an early Saturday morning, when most people were sleeping in.

This was followed shortly thereafter by: The first open atheist  declared himself a candidate for the office of President of the United States. A soft-spoken and reasonably charismatic man, he vowed to support the Constitution and to defend America from its enemies, both foreign and domestic. He swore to uphold the rights of every citizen regardless of ethnic background, color, or faith, and will not favor one religion over another. He will ensure the hungry are fed, and that every citizen is ensured the right to accessible health care.

Mainstream media covering his campaign have called him everything from "A breath of fresh air" to an “Immoral monster," with one commentator saying, "This is the Ataturk our country needs." Fox News, in a "fair and balanced" assessment, labeled him, "A one - man war on Christians." Various respondents to his candidacy, thru e-mails and other social media, have provoked the government into providing the candidate with triple the normal amount of secret service guards to protect him.

Hollywood actor River Cruise, a leading member of the Church of Scifiology declared, "This is what we can expect when the likes of Donald Trump and his loudmouth sound bites are favored by the media - anything goes. The atheists are responsible for our losses in Iraq and Vietnam, without a doubt. They need to be investigated by the same committees that investigated the tragedy of Benghazi." Further, he stated that, "To me, all religions are created equal, but some are more equal than others." (Regarding a prior comment related to this, Mr. Cruise apologized for saying, "Sure black lives matter, but white lives matter more.")

In response, the Reverend Pat Robertson went on air in prime time to tell millions of Americans, "If this man is elected, God's wrath will cause the San Andreas Fault to open, tumbling western California into the Pacific Ocean. Then the Mississippi River will split like the Red Sea of Moses’ time, renting the country in two, and Massachusetts, the instigator of gay marriage, will likewise suffer from earthquakes. Only God's Bible Belt will remain totally intact, becoming the New United States of America." While thousands in his audience greeted this revelation with applause and a standing ovation, still others left to purchase guns.

The American Life League and Family Values Summit League announced they will join forces with Mormons, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists, in "Defending and upholding "our Judeo-Christian heritage," embodied in the Constitution and threatened by increasing erosion from the godless secularists." Meanwhile, liberal Christian spokesmen declared "It is better to worship an elephant-headed god than none at all."

Dan stayed overnight at his friend Tim's house. The next morning, Tim came into the kitchen to find Dan eating a bowl of soup. Gazing into the soup, he asked what the white pieces floating on top were.

Dan: "I crumpled the cracker lying over there into it."

Tim: "That "cracker" belongs to my mom. She's sick and someone from her church brought it here for her. It's Holy Communion."

Dan: "Huh? What's communion?"

Tim: “It's the body Of Christ, you fool!"

Dan: "Then why didn't he say something?"


Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two