By J. S. Dollin ~
Here’s my life. I’ve been ruled by Christians. I’ve been directed by Christians and now, I don’t want to be one anymore. And that’s okay with me. Do I need to admit to my family?
What will make it so that I can be free completely?
I didn’t party in high school. I didn’t even know that world existed. I was so naive that I didn’t even realize what exactly happened when this guy jerked off into the ranch dressing as a joke and got suspended. Sex, wasn’t ever on the table. I never pursued the knowledge of what sex was and when I finally asked Mom about it, she got this picture book for me when I was 12 or 13 from the Christian library. I didn’t really get it until I watched movies. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t know anything about it, it just never came up.
I didn’t get my period until I was 16. I was a late bloomer and a late developer, which made me always feel like I was behind. I felt like I never understood what was happening and I didn’t have any friends to help me get through it and explain some stuff to me. All of my friends were church-goers, conservative and private about their lives.
The Christian lifestyle. The Christian world I grew up in, did not help me grow. It did not help me become the person I am. It only hindered me from thinking outside of the box. It only hindered me from taking control of my life and being okay with myself. I had no one telling me that I was okay with the way that I am. I had no one making sure that I knew that I was myself and I was damn incredible how I am. I had no one following up to double check that I wasn’t getting too hard on myself. I had no one who would validate the reasons why I did things.
It was only Jesus who could validate things in my family. None of our decisions were good enough. Looking at Christianity, I see how wrong we interpreted that. Jesus didn’t want to make it so our decisions weren’t true or important. He wanted us to trust in him and trust him with our decisions, which we took as complete disregard to our own needs and wants.
That still doesn’t make sense to me in Christianity.
The Christian world I grew up in, did not help me grow.I think about college, where I continued this Christian mission, giving hot chocolate to drunks between parties in the cold, going to bible studies, starting my own bible study, heading to Chicago for my senior year and everything changing. As I felt stuck in doing teacher stuff and stuck in my apartment in little village, I also had much more that changed when I stopped going to church. I didn’t think it made sense anymore. I was influenced by my peers, but also it was the summer before in Guatemala that made it completely ring true my disbelief in the Bible.
I went to a book store in a random nook with internationals leading the way to find great novels and amazing stories. I don’t remember how it came up, but I left the store with a book that I never was able to finish that brought up the inconsistency of the Bible. The same topic that Bill brought up to me in 8th grade. Why would you believe this?
As I read a sufficient amount of it, I began to believe that this Bible I had spent so many times delving into, trusting with my life, was not well written. It was wrong. The truth was that so many of the parts that don’t make sense were translated poorly. The words I took so sacredly throughout my life made me cringe with the fact that there were 17 different ways to say the same words, which then changed the words and its meaning completely. How could anyone believe this?
The obsession with Christianity in our culture is extreme. I cannot believe how much the Christian society expects to see Jesus at every turn.
Maybe I need to separate myself completely from my Christianity. No verse reference passwords anymore. No pretending otherwise. This is how I can be true to myself.
What will make it so that I can be free completely?
I didn’t party in high school. I didn’t even know that world existed. I was so naive that I didn’t even realize what exactly happened when this guy jerked off into the ranch dressing as a joke and got suspended. Sex, wasn’t ever on the table. I never pursued the knowledge of what sex was and when I finally asked Mom about it, she got this picture book for me when I was 12 or 13 from the Christian library. I didn’t really get it until I watched movies. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t know anything about it, it just never came up.
I didn’t get my period until I was 16. I was a late bloomer and a late developer, which made me always feel like I was behind. I felt like I never understood what was happening and I didn’t have any friends to help me get through it and explain some stuff to me. All of my friends were church-goers, conservative and private about their lives.
The Christian lifestyle. The Christian world I grew up in, did not help me grow. It did not help me become the person I am. It only hindered me from thinking outside of the box. It only hindered me from taking control of my life and being okay with myself. I had no one telling me that I was okay with the way that I am. I had no one making sure that I knew that I was myself and I was damn incredible how I am. I had no one following up to double check that I wasn’t getting too hard on myself. I had no one who would validate the reasons why I did things.
It was only Jesus who could validate things in my family. None of our decisions were good enough. Looking at Christianity, I see how wrong we interpreted that. Jesus didn’t want to make it so our decisions weren’t true or important. He wanted us to trust in him and trust him with our decisions, which we took as complete disregard to our own needs and wants.
That still doesn’t make sense to me in Christianity.
The Christian world I grew up in, did not help me grow.I think about college, where I continued this Christian mission, giving hot chocolate to drunks between parties in the cold, going to bible studies, starting my own bible study, heading to Chicago for my senior year and everything changing. As I felt stuck in doing teacher stuff and stuck in my apartment in little village, I also had much more that changed when I stopped going to church. I didn’t think it made sense anymore. I was influenced by my peers, but also it was the summer before in Guatemala that made it completely ring true my disbelief in the Bible.
I went to a book store in a random nook with internationals leading the way to find great novels and amazing stories. I don’t remember how it came up, but I left the store with a book that I never was able to finish that brought up the inconsistency of the Bible. The same topic that Bill brought up to me in 8th grade. Why would you believe this?
As I read a sufficient amount of it, I began to believe that this Bible I had spent so many times delving into, trusting with my life, was not well written. It was wrong. The truth was that so many of the parts that don’t make sense were translated poorly. The words I took so sacredly throughout my life made me cringe with the fact that there were 17 different ways to say the same words, which then changed the words and its meaning completely. How could anyone believe this?
The obsession with Christianity in our culture is extreme. I cannot believe how much the Christian society expects to see Jesus at every turn.
Maybe I need to separate myself completely from my Christianity. No verse reference passwords anymore. No pretending otherwise. This is how I can be true to myself.
Comments
Post a Comment