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Thanks, seminary

By still unsure ~

Like any fine pedigree, when it comes to mental illness, I come with papers. No, not some unbelievably low iQ score or discharge forms from the local psychiatric hospital… No, these papers are in the form of some 8x10 embossed stationary that say “degree” on them. Masters in fact, the paper says I mastered my mental illness (!@#$) …I mean study of theology, so I’m kind of certified and everything.

Now it would be insane of me to even suggest that Christianity, or any other religious belief system, is “crazy” and should be seen and treated like every other disease that ravages the mind, but then I’m not a doctor… so I can suggest just about anything.

I can do that because I lack the training and practice of those that earned that prestigious degree, and my apologies in advance for what will undoubtedly come across as more opinion than medical science. Having said that; let the assertions fly.

I consider myself mentally ill. I guess I am both a harm to myself and others because I believe in imaginary things that; let’s face it – don’t exist. These imaginary things are what actually make me a danger because they command me to do certain “unpleasant” things shall we call them.

I am both a harm to myself and others because I believe in imaginary things that; let’s face it – don’t exist.First – they want me to cut the genitals of little boys to make them “holy.” Oh, and here’s the best part…I only got 8 days to do it before it’s too late. Then, they want me to cut off any part of my body that keeps doing stuff wrong.

OK, that means my right hand and mini me have to go – not cool. I guess my eyes need to go too because I kind of need them to initiate the sequence of events that leads to…let’s just say “stuff”.

But there’s other bad stuff I must not do too – if I want to “keep Him happy” and it ain’t nice. There’s stoning people, driving from the land…the list is f*ckin endless. (…oooh, those people don’t believe in me like you do, go kill em all and report for more instructions)

So when I say mentally ill, I think you get the picture. However…here’s where my “degree” is a little useful. Jesus initiated a new covenant with everyone; many would say: “Yep, he sure did. It’s a new, better way too.” Well yeah, It’s better because all you need to “do” now is believe – not do. (Uh, believe what?)

Okay here’s where it gets a little crazy. All you have to do is believe the really angry pissed off guy in the “old” covenant is really the nice guy in the “new” covenant, disguised as his son, that came and did some very astounding things for folks – then died. It was a horrific death really…lot’s a blood and stuff, a thorn thingy…nails and wood.

Ah – but the story goes on. So 3 days later (which is actually only a day and a half)…I mean: try that shit with your wife. “Honey, we’re going on a 3 day cruise…we leave Friday at 3pm and get back Sunday at 5 am…) Guess what Mr. “we’re going on a cruise”…you’re bad at math and sleeping alone, arsehole.

(Irish women…can’t live without em. I used to wonder why all dragons were red…not any more…)

Okay where was I…oh, mental illness. So yeah, I’m mentally ill because I believed that shite for 30 years plus: I feel “bad” that I still don’t. Well, lucky for me there’s this site and Jamaican Rum. Plus there’s everything else; like evidence, the scientific method, common sense, basic math, and oh…and 5-year olds that laugh at you when you tell them this shit…

I’ve learned 2 things about my illness. First – it’s called “faith” in practical terms, and second – it’s treatable, but only with massive doses of logic and reason.

Ironically, you’ll never guess where my eyes opened to the amazing truth that I was mentally ill…? One clue is that it starts with an “S” and ends with a “Y” and rhymes with cemetery. Still unsure?