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Is The Bible A Cure For Insomnia?

by By Russ Hamel ~


Ever get insomnia? Of course you do; we all suffer sleepless nights from time to time. Yup, whether it's our overly religious, self-righteous family, co-workers and acquaintances, or in my case, the insecure, back stabbing, child brainwashing jerk (aka natural father of my two step-daughters), like the common cold, nobody ever completely escapes the occasional nocturnal insomnolence.

Right now, I've got insomnia... big time. I've had it for close to a month now. What scares me is that I know it's becoming a serious problem in my life.

"How's that, Russy?" I hear you ask.

See, I told you it's serious... I'm even hearing things now. :)

Oh, I tried the usual suggested solutions from reading our huge City of Toronto phone book to studying and memorizing the boring parts of the Bible (um... that would be ALL of it, especially if you are using a King James version.) However, when I'm having a really hard time falling asleep, my personal favs are all those "He begat, who in turn begat, who in turn begat... " deadly boring genealogy parts for like 1000 pages. A trip to the optometrist gets my eyes un-crossed but I'll be damned if I still can get any sleep!

Now I'm at the stage where I'm actually researching definitions, possible causes and improbable cures for insomnia. As Ming Ming the Wonderpet Duck says, "This is SERWIOUS!"

What's Keeping You Up?

This is the definition of insomnia offered by

inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

The entry also mentions that the word originated around the year 1685. From that, I can only assume that there was no insomnia before that period, thus no need for the word. What with all that 'begatting', people in those days either didn't have time for sleep, or they simply collapsed from exhaustion... the Bible isn't very clear as to which one is fact. Either way though, maybe I should look into more 'begatting' as a possible cure for my tough case of insomnia. All I need now is a willing 'begattee'.

My research shows that stress tops the list of probable causes for insomnia. This makes perfect sense to me. Compared to the highly stressful lifestyles we live today, our great, great, great, great ancestors had an automatic way to acquiesce anxiety through their own very hard physical ways of life. When they weren't busy begatting (and if you believe the Bible, that wasn't very often), they were either out hunting down and killing their next conquest, or running away from being somebody else's trophy.

Sounds good to me. So far we've got a lot of begatting and/or hunting something down and killing it! Talk about stress-busters.

Depression also ranks quite high as a cause for insomnia. Now I don't know about most people, but I personally find it damned near impossible to feel depressed when I'm begatting. Likewise, it's inconceivable that a man could be depressed after bagging the big one. He returns home as a victorious hero from the hunting grounds with enough to feed his family and friends for a few days. Usually that's cause for feasting and even more begatting. Woo HOO!

Come to Think of It...

That's our biggest problem of today... THINKING!

While our great, great, great, great ancestors were out there begatting every spare minute they had, people today stay home stressing themselves out over whether they should even try that new online dating service. They'll spend a week or two scanning all the scintillating pictures (usually taken 30+ years ago) along with the most outlandishly fabricated profiles. After a month or so, they may get brave enough to try a long-distance virtual romance.

All that time with only a little titillation and NO begatting to show for it! How frustrating is THAT?

No wonder people are more and more depressed today!

Hey Gang, listen up; our great, great, great, great ancestors were the original ads for Nike... they just DID it! And most of them lived hundreds of years - if you believe the Bible!

Still I have insomnia, and it is rooted in thinking. Believe it or not, there are people who don't like me - unbelievable as that might be. This one particular ass-hole seems to have made it his purpose in life to put lions and tigers and bears in the otherwise calm and happy paradise I call my life. (NOTE: Thinking too much like this causes a kind of paranoia where you perceive that people are purposely planning to perturb you and piss you off.)

Not only do I obsess that this back stabbing, child brainwashing jerk is out to get me, I rehearse endlessly exactly how I will deal with him, reminiscent of the recent Sherlock Holmes flicks where our hero pre-calculates every move and then executes (quite literally) with great precision. In my mind I must have killed my current arch-nemesis a hundred-thousand times. Yet, unlike Sherlock Holmes or our great, great, great, great ancestors, I have never DONE the dirty deed in real life.

All that time with only a little titillation and NO 'bagging the big one' to show for it! How frustrating is that? No wonder I have insomnia... big time!

So it seems to me that the only hope for my 'Sleepless in Toronto Syndrome' is to embark on a quest to hunt down and slay all those lions, tigers and bears. While I'm at it I might as well bag the bastard who keeps shattering my little Shangri-la. Then, like my great, great, great, great ancestors, there will be cause for celebration with much feasting... and even more begatting.

Who says the Bible isn't a cure for insomnia? Woo HOO!