Is The Bible A Cure For Insomnia?

by By Russ Hamel ~

I've Tried EVERYTHING

Ever get insomnia? Of course you do; we all suffer sleepless nights from time to time. Yup, whether it's our overly religious, self-righteous family, co-workers and acquaintances, or in my case, the insecure, back stabbing, child brainwashing jerk (aka natural father of my two step-daughters), like the common cold, nobody ever completely escapes the occasional nocturnal insomnolence.

Right now, I've got insomnia... big time. I've had it for close to a month now. What scares me is that I know it's becoming a serious problem in my life.

"How's that, Russy?" I hear you ask.

See, I told you it's serious... I'm even hearing things now. :)

Oh, I tried the usual suggested solutions from reading our huge City of Toronto phone book to studying and memorizing the boring parts of the Bible (um... that would be ALL of it, especially if you are using a King James version.) However, when I'm having a really hard time falling asleep, my personal favs are all those "He begat, who in turn begat, who in turn begat... " deadly boring genealogy parts for like 1000 pages. A trip to the optometrist gets my eyes un-crossed but I'll be damned if I still can get any sleep!

Now I'm at the stage where I'm actually researching definitions, possible causes and improbable cures for insomnia. As Ming Ming the Wonderpet Duck says, "This is SERWIOUS!"

What's Keeping You Up?

This is the definition of insomnia offered by Dictionary.com

–noun
inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

The entry also mentions that the word originated around the year 1685. From that, I can only assume that there was no insomnia before that period, thus no need for the word. What with all that 'begatting', people in those days either didn't have time for sleep, or they simply collapsed from exhaustion... the Bible isn't very clear as to which one is fact. Either way though, maybe I should look into more 'begatting' as a possible cure for my tough case of insomnia. All I need now is a willing 'begattee'.

My research shows that stress tops the list of probable causes for insomnia. This makes perfect sense to me. Compared to the highly stressful lifestyles we live today, our great, great, great, great ancestors had an automatic way to acquiesce anxiety through their own very hard physical ways of life. When they weren't busy begatting (and if you believe the Bible, that wasn't very often), they were either out hunting down and killing their next conquest, or running away from being somebody else's trophy.

Sounds good to me. So far we've got a lot of begatting and/or hunting something down and killing it! Talk about stress-busters.

Depression also ranks quite high as a cause for insomnia. Now I don't know about most people, but I personally find it damned near impossible to feel depressed when I'm begatting. Likewise, it's inconceivable that a man could be depressed after bagging the big one. He returns home as a victorious hero from the hunting grounds with enough to feed his family and friends for a few days. Usually that's cause for feasting and even more begatting. Woo HOO!

Come to Think of It...

That's our biggest problem of today... THINKING!

While our great, great, great, great ancestors were out there begatting every spare minute they had, people today stay home stressing themselves out over whether they should even try that new online dating service. They'll spend a week or two scanning all the scintillating pictures (usually taken 30+ years ago) along with the most outlandishly fabricated profiles. After a month or so, they may get brave enough to try a long-distance virtual romance.

All that time with only a little titillation and NO begatting to show for it! How frustrating is THAT?

No wonder people are more and more depressed today!

Hey Gang, listen up; our great, great, great, great ancestors were the original ads for Nike... they just DID it! And most of them lived hundreds of years - if you believe the Bible!

Still I have insomnia, and it is rooted in thinking. Believe it or not, there are people who don't like me - unbelievable as that might be. This one particular ass-hole seems to have made it his purpose in life to put lions and tigers and bears in the otherwise calm and happy paradise I call my life. (NOTE: Thinking too much like this causes a kind of paranoia where you perceive that people are purposely planning to perturb you and piss you off.)

Not only do I obsess that this back stabbing, child brainwashing jerk is out to get me, I rehearse endlessly exactly how I will deal with him, reminiscent of the recent Sherlock Holmes flicks where our hero pre-calculates every move and then executes (quite literally) with great precision. In my mind I must have killed my current arch-nemesis a hundred-thousand times. Yet, unlike Sherlock Holmes or our great, great, great, great ancestors, I have never DONE the dirty deed in real life.

All that time with only a little titillation and NO 'bagging the big one' to show for it! How frustrating is that? No wonder I have insomnia... big time!

So it seems to me that the only hope for my 'Sleepless in Toronto Syndrome' is to embark on a quest to hunt down and slay all those lions, tigers and bears. While I'm at it I might as well bag the bastard who keeps shattering my little Shangri-la. Then, like my great, great, great, great ancestors, there will be cause for celebration with much feasting... and even more begatting.

Who says the Bible isn't a cure for insomnia? Woo HOO!

Comments

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~ S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden – Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

On Living Virtuously

By Webmdave ~ A s a Christian, living virtuously meant living in a manner that pleased God. Pleasing god (or living virtuously) was explained as: Praying for forgiveness for sins Accepting Christ as Savior Frequently reading the Bible Memorizing Bible verses Being baptized (subject to church rules) Attending church services Partaking of the Lord’s Supper Tithing Resisting temptations to lie, steal, smoke, drink, party, have lustful thoughts, have sex (outside of marriage) masturbate, etc. Boldly sharing the Gospel of Salvation with unbelievers The list of virtuous values and expectations grew over time. Once the initial foundational values were safely under the belt, “more virtues'' were introduced. Newer introductions included (among others) harsh condemnation of “worldly” music, homosexuality and abortion Eventually the list of values grew ponderous, and these ideals were not just personal for us Christians. These virtues were used to condemn and disrespect fro

Search This Blog