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Help in the Aftermath

To Be Held Back ~

Hello everyone.

As many of you have done, I too thank the people who started and continue to keep this website up and running. It has been a tremendous help in my de-conversion experience over the last six years.

Only recently was I able to finally admit to myself and my spouse that I had de-converted. This is part of the problem -- and I only mean "part" -- because I live in the bible-belt; was "saved" for almost 30 years; was a preacher and teacher; received a degree in ministry; was angry (not abusive), a drunk, a gambler, an emotional adulterer, and unloving to my spouse during my de-conversion; and to top it off my son died during all of this.

My experience is not unique in any way, but my spouse's love for me has been through all of this. She has stood by me -- albeit not quietly -- but still holds to the chance of me being the man I once was again and to treat her with the loving kindness I once did. She deserves that, and I'm trying my hardest to get back to some semblance of that.

What I need from you guys is some even-headed counsel on the problems you have faced with one spouse being a believer and the other an atheist. She does not berate me or try to convert me back or all the typical problems that a lot of de-converters face, but I see signs of problems that could come to a head in the future that deal with two distinctly different worldviews.

We have both decided that we are either all in and continue the marriage, or we call it quits and move on. It mostly falls upon me and my attitude and change of heart. I love her and would die for her, but I don't love her the way a spouse should. I have lost my way as a decent human being, but am trying to get back on track without all the guilt and repentance cycle bullshit I've done for years.

My selfishness and anger have clouded my judgment, and I would welcome comments from those who have already been and are going through this similar experience.