Verbally Abused & Programmed

By Rachel Leigh ~

Well, actually I'm in search for some advice, guidance, or even counseling. I lived in an evangelical, charismatic, Christian home.

Considering we were Christians, we weren't happy.

I was born with a rare disease at birth. I was in a coma 2x in my lifetime. And I was a miracle in the church, cause of the fact that I woke up from them both and lived a "normal" life. When I was around the age 5 by parents started a church. It was small church in PA. My parents fought viciously. They were constantly fighting. They would scream profanities at each other. They would throw everything at each other. Then, to make matters worse. My dad was verbally abusive. In his eyes, nothing we ever did was good enough. "Why couldn't be like this person?" he would ask repeatedly. I remember they would fight. Then they wouldn't speak. Then, they would pretend nothing had happened. After years of watching this, I starting to ask my mom at around age 8 or 9, mom, why can't you divorce dad? She would say, with tears in her eyes, "Cause god hates divorce". I didn't understand god's logic. When I got older, I would ask questions like, doesn't god want you to be happy? I was very confused. To top everything off, I was being programmed. Controlled. Manipulated, on so many levels.

I was around 10, when the church shut down. That was also around the time, that I really didn't want to be a christian, but I started to "put on shows". I was one way in church, home, school, relatives, friends, strangers... Basically, I had a different personality or image for every where I went. My parents were constantly concerned about my faith in god. They used to say, I was "back-sliding". I would get prayed over, spoken to, sent to church. And every other conceivable thing that was done to restore my faith, was done.

Well, I'm 26 now. I left home at age 21. And when I left home, I also left the church and the faith. My parents divorced. My mom, brother, and sister have a very different view on faith, religion, and life. But, I must say, that I truly need to talk to someone. Someone who would understand and be understanding, and non-judgmental. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll ever find therapy, or counseling. Just from a random person, that happens to care.