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In deep confusion

By Baby Steps ~

Words cannot express how excited I am that I've come across this website!! I have been dealing with so much over the last few months, and it is so refreshing to see that a lot of you here have had similar dealings with Christianity.

A little over a year ago I decided to become a devout Christian for the second time in my life. The first time ended really badly, but i decided to give it another shot.
  • I cut myself off from people whom I thought wouldn't fit with my Christian lifestyle.
  • I started a Facebook page that mainly discussed the teachings of the Bible. 
  • I read my Bible and prayed daily. 
  • I started meeting Christian friends. 
For a while, things were ok. I was happy...

Or so I thought I was.

I was introduced to the "declare and decree" way of thinking, which I never bought into. I was also introduced into the thought that God blesses people with their spouses, but you must wait on God and his timing. I met a man who believed he was my "God-ordained" spouse. I believed he was too.

The problems started when my free-thinking started to arise again. I thought because I was supposed to marry this man, I could ask him questions that I didn't know the answer to. For example, why would God create us with sin, expect us to fight against the sin he created us with, and damn us to hell if we don't fight against our very "sinful nature?"

Of course, I was told to never question God and just know that He knows best.

I had many questions on why sex and masturbation was wrong, but was always met with God wants our bodies to remain pure and sex is for marriage.

I didn't understand that either.

I also met a lady who claimed to hear from God. She pretty much would tell me the devil wanted to eat me alive. and I needed to stay in prayer day and night. I started to feel panicky and in fear. I had already given up so much of myself when I became a Christian. I was a mere shadow of my former self. And now I was being told in order to save my own life from the snares of the devil, I'd have to give up the little bit of life I had left.

I spent a lot of my days in shear fear. I was horrified. I spent many days trying to pray off "strongholds" like many other people. I was told I had a stronghold of lust, and that It was my fault I had this stronghold because I'd opened the door to it from something sinful I did.

The guy I was supposed to marry wanted me to be a housewife. Whenever I was mad about something, he always hushed me up by telling me to calm down. I just couldn't be myself... Wasn't allowed to question or react to things in my own way. I started becoming miserable and depressed. A good chunk of my so called Facebook friends were really mean to others... You'd see a lot of the "you're going to hell" posts. At one point, I was like that too, because I thought that's what Christians was supposed to do.

Until one day it just hit me. Why would God want people yelling and screaming at people to come to him???

I started seeing a lot of people, including myself and the guy I was with as hypocrites. So I started to back down. I started writing more encouraging posts and not condemning ones. I ended things with the guy. And now I find myself in a very awkward space. I still believe in God and Jesus, just not the way He's portrayed in the Bible. I am currently dealing with these feelings of guilt and fear, that I believe will probably need the help of a therapist to deal with, I feel as though I am coming out of a cult.

Man, do I need help.

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