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God simply does not deliver

By Dean Klamath ~

I have been through many twists and turns in my life as a Christian questioning God, trying to reconcile with what is going on in the world today and my personal life, but last year I threw in the towel. All my life I thought God had some kind of plan for everything. I'm a man of Science, but even the best atheist arguments did not shake my belief that at least God was real and had good intentions, and that He simply allows us to make our own suffering as a lesson to turn and come to Him.

What changed for me is when the woman I loved, who was a very devout evangelical (and kindest sweetest person I ever knew), cut our engagement and ghosted me a little over a year ago. I had proposed to her on Valentine's Day, and we were happy and talking about the future. Everything seemed right. I finally was going to get married despite the uncertain financial future and the fascist regime taking over the country. God was finally delivering on an 8-year investment I had put into this relationship. There really wasn't anything going wrong, even her family was OK with me. I really felt that God was delivering on "His Plan" for me.

I suppose everything sunk in when she sent the the ring I bought her back to me in the mail. I just broke. Everything broke. How could God pull a fast one on me like this? Why did he not fully deliver? If she wanted me to go to church more or be more focused on stuff like that, He would have known I would do it and probably even grow in my faith! I had never questioned if God existed – to me the order in the Universe was proof enough – humans being the only chaotic element (along with perhaps demons). Of course God was not a genie to make wishes to, but he should at least fill out reasonable longstanding requests.

Well I didn't open that package with the ring in it for weeks or possibly months. I just let it sit there on my dresser. Months passed until we got in touch again and she had moved on to another man by now, I only hope he is at least as good or better than me. What I worry about is her, since she has immune system problems and currently as I write this Covid-19 is ravaging the country while rural areas are trying to reopen. She lives in such an area and I worry that her new boyfriend will give her the virus and she will then be lost forever, not even our friendship intact.

How could God pull a fast one on me like this? Why did he not fully deliver? No good God would allow all this to happen to me, Someone who believed He existed and had good intentions for every person if they chose to believe in Jesus and tried to avoid "sinful things". I really started to see the other side, the other arguments that were rational and made more sense, real enlightenment. Does God exist? The answer I found is that even if a God or gods did exist, they are the one(s) that are described in religious texts. Any deity that exists would have to simply be an indifferent observer or a sadistic jerk, but definitely not orderly, good, or any such moral or ethical qualities.

I understand that it was my ex's decision to leave me for whatever reason she didn't want to tell me, however, the circumstances leading up to that which influenced her decisions should have been under God's control if He is supposed to be anything like what the Bible describes. Ultimately if there is a God he is more negligent than Donald Trump or more sadistic (possibly both). My fiance left me and is now in a position where her life could end in a very painful way, while if she was with me this would not be the case.

God simply does not deliver.