Skip to main content

Another Visit from the Virgin Mary

By Carl S ~

It's been some time since the Virgin Mary made an appearance. If you were raised Catholic, you know every August 15 is the Feast of the Assumption of Mary into Heaven. For those unaware of this: the feast is based on a belief that Mary was “assumed,” i.e., taken up alive into Heaven. (Different kinds of assumptions are held regarding the Virgin Mary. For example, it is assumed she told the truth when she explained how she became pregnant.) Unlike Jesus, who will return only once, according to that same Church, Mary has been returning periodically. There were her appearances at Lourdes, Guadeloupe, and Fatima, for example. She had messages to bring then. It shouldn't be a surprise then that she arrived in these troubled times of “fake news” and “alternative truths” to clear up some “misconceptions” (no pun intended.)

This morning, Mary came back to Earth. She floated down in a local pasture in Bremen, Maine, in the U.S.A. The observing farmer phoned our nearest newspaper office. (Being an ex-Catholic, he didn’t stay around). A reporter was rushed to the scene. What follows is his exclusive first-person account.

Mary: “Guess you wonder why I'm here. Just a while ago, I was watching your planet's film, “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” and thinking “What a good idea.” So I've come with a message. But first, is there anything your planet wants to know?”

Reporter: “There is a question on everybody's mind that has never been answered with satisfaction. “What is the nature of God?”

Mary: “First of all, you may not like it, but, She’s black.

Reporter: “When you say “She,” how do you explain how She got you pregnant, then? And if you're the Mother of God, how does that make sense?”

Mary: “All things are possible with God; therefore it follows, I am also Her mother.”

Reporter: “There's something else many Christians would like to know. Are the 9/11 Islamic martyrs with you in Heaven, or are they in their Paradise?”

Mary: “I don't know how even God could judge them. First you need to understand something. They were initiated into the mysteries, with magic mushrooms and LSD administered by their imams. With those imparted mystical powers over their minds, they personally experienced the spirit world and Paradise. Therefore, they joyfully surrendered their lives. She only knows where they are!”

Reporter: “Will Jesus return in our lifetimes?”

Mary: “Not if I can help it. He has a lot to learn. He's still aggravating us, even in Heaven, with his typical holier-than-thou judgmental attitude.”

Reporter: “What if science were to find evidence for the existence of a Creator of the Universe and everything in it? Tell us what would be the outcome.”

Mary: “If science found irrefutable evidence, it would create a catastrophe for every single religion. Their first response would be to deny the evidence. Absolutely. Think about it”

Reporter: “I don't understand. It stands to reason religions would welcome with open arms proof of their claim for a Supreme Being.”

Mary: “Allow me to explain. Picture the consequences. Ask yourself what the reaction of religions is to our present acquired knowledge. Many still refuse the reality of evolution. Then add evidence of a God Who from Her womb, gave birth to the entire Universe. Religions wouldn't accept Her. She doesn't fit the God images religions created. Despite this, I bring Her messages to your world.”

Reporter: My lady, what are these messages?

Mary: “God is really disappointed with your religions. She has created this overwhelmingly vast and strange Universe of two trillion galaxies, which you may enjoy with ever-new discoveries, in rapturous wonder, (thank you Lady God). Do you appreciate Her? No. You have substituted in Her place, a small male God to worship. This is a God who has nothing better to do than care about your petty wishful-thinking thoughts and prayers, and damns women for taking charge of their lives, their own bodies. This tyrant petty God supports religious prejudice, is insulted by “blasphemy,” and wants wedding cakes denied to gay couples! This is the trivia-obsessed God you praise with “How Great Thou Art?”

“The Creator of Two Trillion Galaxies is blasphemed every time 'God' is referred to or invoked.”

“Think about your preference for “him” over Her, on your planet. As the Creator, She is carefree about the fate of your world; it represents just one speck of Her creation. Too many on Earth are rejecting the wisdom accumulated over centuries regarding honesty, virtue, and ethics, in blind service to a mean and narrow-minded God, created on this planet. Your world is endangered by those who worship the domination they expect to attain using this small male god. Look around you. This life and world are all you have.”

Reporter: “How true. I shall pass Her messages on. One last question. Will you return?”

Mary: “I may be back again, or never. After one's lived for thousands of years, 'nevermore” begins to sound satisfying. But then, I do have so many planets to visit!”

And, just as Mary left the very first time, she floated up into the clouds.

Our reporter went back to his car. (Fortunately, he had an audio recording of the encounter.) While he sat pondering everything that had happened, wrapping up his notes, the radio station was playing composer Carl Orff''s opus, “Catulli Carmina.“ The chorus was repeating a refrain: “O res ri-di-cula. O res ri-di-cula. O res ri-di-cula.” He wondered: “Are those words the Final Message, meant to sum up the meaning of all the messages from the domains of God, gods and Mary?

He came back with the Good News. The revelations report was soon dispatched to major media outlets. All of them issued rejection notices, except for The National Enquirer, Bill Maher at HBO, and The Onion. Still, things look promising. In the meantime, be assured - you read it here first.


Popular posts from this blog

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi