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Free To Be Uncertain

By Jan Tessier ~

Recently, my sister read me an excerpt from a letter I sent her several years ago when I became "born again". In it, I made the assertion that being gay is a sin, but that I loved gay people and wanted them to be free. I cringed when she read the letter, and asked her to throw it out. It was a painful reminder of a time when I got sucked into that Christian bullshit to the point of believing that some of my friends were "sinners".

In 1995, I got sober through a twelve step program and started questioning everything in the world, including my own strange religious beliefs. Sometime in my fourth year of sobriety, I found a marvelous book by Bruce Bawer called "Stealing Jesus: How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity". Perhaps it was "divine intervention" that prompted me to buy that book. At any rate, I read it cover to cover, and then read it again. It completely changed my thinking about not only Christianity, but religion in general. Not only did the book speak of the schisms in Christianity in America, but it briefly explained the origins of many sects that took root in this country.

My eyes were opened. An enormous sense of relief came with the knowledge that I no longer believed in Christianity and its teachings. Instead of feeling dread and chaos from having a lifetime of indoctrination lifted from me, I felt unfettered and free. It was liberation bliss. Since that time, I have come to accept my agnosticism as being perfectly in line with the reality I experience. Another book by Vincent Bugliosi helped me accept being in a perpetual state of "I don't know". It's called "Divinity Of Doubt". Another incredible book. I can't recommend either book too much. Along with my own life experiences, those two books helped me sort out the world and my own perceptions of it.

I say this with complete sincerity that I consider both these books to be blessings in my life. I am grateful to both authors for helping me find my own path and the confidence to believe that I don't know.