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This "Christian" thing is an illusion

By FoolNoMore ~

I fell into a religious fervor or stupor fell in when I became born again 2 years ago. After I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, I got baptized and I began do dive deep into the bible. I watched countless of religious videos on youtube learning from different people, as well as attending a local church. I completely changed my life: No sex before marriage, no masturbation, studying of the bible, prayers to God to deliver me from my enemies and to guide me out of my dire financial situation. I ministered to non believers or lukewarm believers, telling them to have faith in the face of hardship and tragedy. I watched their situation remain the same or worsen.

i was no longer eating pork and shellfish. i was fasting with the hope of gaining more clarity, i was even starting to follow Saturday Sabbath which means not doing anything but prayer from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. I owned 6 different bibles. countless of Christians books.

I donated or tithed to so many different churches and organizations... while still barely able to pay my rent each month. All the while, watching my non religious friends or relatives living on the hog, getting financial blessings without praying to any god. But I consoled myself by telling myself that I had "true wealth" aka the love of God.

I am not ready to tell the Christians I befriended during my stupor that I am no longer one of them.At the same time, I was never able to get a good night sleep. This supposed peace of God that passes all understanding was never mine to behold,

And then something happened in my life that was so disturbing that it was like someone threw a bucket of cold water in my face. This other christian who had been pursuing me while he was engaged to someone else (yes, I know, icky) finally married his fiancee after leading me on. Though we did not have sex despite him pressuring me, i had had fallen in love with him and had heard God telling me he was the one, to just be patient, that he was confused. I 'prayed and prayed and prayed, hoping for some kind of resolution to this triangle and all I got was this so called Christian slime marrying this woman that I know for a fact he doesn;t love. I had had so many "signs" and "miracles" telling me he was the one, to just be patient and pray for his soul to return to God.

Anyway, I am glad I snapped out of it. While I was born again, I had so many questions about some of the events of the Old Testament that disturbed me, things like God ordering this jewish warrior to kill EVERYONE in that town, even women, children, and livestock. And whats up with this god requiring animals to be sacrificed to him? why such bloodthirstiness? and I was uncomfortable with the apologetic answers I got. Even some things in the New Testament gave me room for pause, for instance, Jesus' position on divorce. and let's face, the turning of the other cheek is screwed up advice.

This Christian thing is an illusion.

I am embarrassed I fell for this. I am not ready to tell the Christians I befriended during my stupor that I am no longer one of them. I am just going to slowly phase them of my life and even move to a different city. Its a waste of time explaining i no longer believe in that BS.

For the first time in years, i feel less guilt about everything. i dont have to please someone up there somewhere.and follow his 10,000 commandements. i am a pretty decent person and i have decent morals. And I will be pleasuring myself tonight. I will be going back to dating and will avoid the insipid pool of Christian men i had previously resigned myself to.

I wil not worry about next life, no one knows with certainty what it is. This life is all ive got and I will make the most of it.