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Why did God decide to punish me?

By Dontknow ~

First of all, I do not know what to believe. But here's my story. I didn't grow up in a Christian home per se. I remember going to vacation bible school and to church at times but not all the time. I do remember both parents being baptized (they were in their 30's). What I mostly remember about my childhood was the two of the fighting, verbal abuse and physical abuse by both of them. I remember getting spankings as a child. I have one sister who I despise she is 47 yo and I am 45 yo. Okay, now getting to some of my point. Wouldn't a loving, caring, all-knowing God know that as a child I didn't need to see or hear my parents fighting? Wouldn't God know I hated seeing and hearing that shit. It was scary and guess what because of them and yes, I blame them I picked up some of their bad habits. Monkey see-Monkey do.

So fast forward, for the most part I believe I turned away from evil things (smoking, drinking, worshiping Satan, etc). I made good grades in school, didn't cause any problems, etc. Got a good job and stayed at the same job for many years. Then I met my future husband. I dated him for 4 years and didn't live with him while dating. I finally married him. We were married a little over 5 years and he was killed in a car accident this June 2017. Again, I am 45 yo, he was 55 yo. Both of us not young but no really old either. Now, do you think I believe a good, loving, caring God would look down at my life and decide for me I no longer need my husband? It angers me. We did not have any children however, he had a son from a previous marriage. He didn't even get to see his son before he died. How is that fair or just? How is that loving? He didn't even get ti see his mom and dad (who have out lived him/they are in their late 80's), he didn't get to see his brother or sister either. I mean, if it were up to me it would be more meaningful to see your loved ones before you die. But oh, no he was taken away. Just like he vanished. I don't get it.

I don't believe he or any of my other family who have died are in Heaven dancing or looking down watching over me. I prayed fir signs of assurance that he is okay. Nothing.

On top of losing him soon I will be faced with losing our house (since he was the bread winner), he made a mistake on our taxes and I owe them 10,000 dollars, and his ex-wife still wants the child support payments to continue rolling in. Their son is 17 and will receive SS benefits and my husband was paying almost $2,000 a month for child support. Believe me, God didn't bless us with money and I didn't get a windfall when he died. I have no money to pay all these things but somehow, I suppose to believe that God will provide for me? How? This is all loving or to make me a better person?

Okay one last thing. The one sister I have that I said I despise in the first paragraph. She has never suffered, never paid her dues in this evil world. All I can say is it is another example that God can't be loving. We were both to the same parents but she was "blessed" with a husband, a child, a nice home and money and the bitch doesn't have to work. Never has. It is like this she would be considered more "pretty" than me, "nicer" than me, etc by others but she was born to the same parents! So why did God decide to punish me? Does this make sense.

I must be crazy.