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The Grief of Waking Up

By Zelda ~

Sometimes I wish I had never woken up. It is too much of a shock, an abandonment, a rejection of the God that was never there for me. I woke up about nine years ago and I wish I could say that I am not reliving the trauma of the abandonment of this God that was never there. But, I grieve it every day. It is in the forefront of my mind, and sometimes, I almost grasp the fact that I don´t need to feel this yuckiness anymore, that I have somehow figured out how to be okay within myself. But, that feeling fades away all too quickly and I am left broken again with a sense of rejection of self. I am not able to see why I would feel such a rejection of self.

Most of my life, up to the age of about 33, there was this God I thought I heard talking to me, that gave me impressions, that apparently thought I was special. I could not get close enough to him and I always felt it was my fault that I couldn´t. I prayed hard, I wanted all of it, to speak in tongues, to prophesy, to hear him speak to me. The times when I didn't feel it, I was taught to believe it was my own sin of unbelief, that I was lacking and that it was my fault that I could not get close enough to this god. MY FAULT. It was drilled into me at a young age that I am nothing without god but this kid with a sin nature who cannot overcome anything without him. When I found out that none of what I believed was true, it was and still is devastating. It should be freeing to realize this. To find out that I was praying to myself the whole time, is mind blowing. It is incredible how we can succumb to delusion so easily as humans.

Now who is there? No one? Am I really a product of evolution? I never got to learn about evolution when I was younger, not even in high public high school. It seems like it was a bit skipped over in biology class, not talked about. I never got to choose. I was indoctrinated from childhood but my parents had their choice. They came to Christ as adults in their 20´s. They chose out of their own mental health issues that this was this answer. They chose their answer. I didn't get to choose my way, my answer. I felt the cognitive dissonance even as a four-year old. One of my earliest memories is of my mom telling me that I had to accept Christ as my savior or I would go to hell. She would constantly remind me that if I died, I would go to a lake of fire if I did not accept Christ as my lord and savior. It sounded so weird to me even at such a young age. As a four year old, I tried to make sense of a god-man coming to earth to save the world, to die on a cross for the sins of the past and the present, and rise again, but disappear quickly only to show himself to a few. Every day, my mom would ask me if I wanted to pray the prayer and I kept telling her I would think about it. Even as a four year old, I wanted time, I wanted to use my own mind. I finally gave in out of fear of Satan and hell. After all, if my parents and all of the other people in my life believed it, then they must be right. They were adults. They knew. My little mind could not understand. That was the moment that I started to learn to doubt myself and my intuitions, that I started to learn to deny myself and even my own feelings about what I liked and disliked. My light started to go out...started to fade. I lost touch with myself right then and there.

Every day, my mom would ask me if I wanted to pray the prayer and I kept telling her I would think about it. Even as a four year old, I wanted time, I wanted to use my own mind.How is this fair?? I go from anger to sadness and then back to rage again. I ask myself if I am being too dramatic about it. I would say yes and I keep trying to tell myself to chill out, that I am in control of my life now. I would still like to get my memories erased like in the movie ¨Total Recall¨. Those that are still asleep in their blind faith have their church community, their friends, their family. All of that was ripped away from me. My best friends were christians, my family are still christian and our relationship can never be the same after leaving the faith. They don't see this of course. My family of course is praying for me every day that God will bring me back whatever it takes. I really would like them to accept me as I am, to see that I have made up my own mind and that there is nothing wrong with me. But, it is not okay with them. To them, I am on the wrong path. I am deceived. But, the fact is that I now live in reality, a reality I came to see through my own ponderings, my own research into the origin of man, of neuroscience, and the inaccuracy and obvious unholiness of the bible. I am proud of this, proud that I woke up, proud that I am aware and open-minded enough to ask questions.

I have the sensation that I am in a second adolescence trying to find out who I am again and I want to rant and rave about it. I want to shout and throw things sometimes, but instead I force myself to go for a bike ride or a run. I may be crying like a baby on that bike ride or run but at least by the time I am done, I am a bit better. I wonder if anyone else out there has had coming out. I am so thankful for this ex-christian community website and for the personal stories I have the opportunity to read here.