Skip to main content

The Grief of Waking Up

By Zelda ~

Sometimes I wish I had never woken up. It is too much of a shock, an abandonment, a rejection of the God that was never there for me. I woke up about nine years ago and I wish I could say that I am not reliving the trauma of the abandonment of this God that was never there. But, I grieve it every day. It is in the forefront of my mind, and sometimes, I almost grasp the fact that I don´t need to feel this yuckiness anymore, that I have somehow figured out how to be okay within myself. But, that feeling fades away all too quickly and I am left broken again with a sense of rejection of self. I am not able to see why I would feel such a rejection of self.

Most of my life, up to the age of about 33, there was this God I thought I heard talking to me, that gave me impressions, that apparently thought I was special. I could not get close enough to him and I always felt it was my fault that I couldn´t. I prayed hard, I wanted all of it, to speak in tongues, to prophesy, to hear him speak to me. The times when I didn't feel it, I was taught to believe it was my own sin of unbelief, that I was lacking and that it was my fault that I could not get close enough to this god. MY FAULT. It was drilled into me at a young age that I am nothing without god but this kid with a sin nature who cannot overcome anything without him. When I found out that none of what I believed was true, it was and still is devastating. It should be freeing to realize this. To find out that I was praying to myself the whole time, is mind blowing. It is incredible how we can succumb to delusion so easily as humans.

Now who is there? No one? Am I really a product of evolution? I never got to learn about evolution when I was younger, not even in high public high school. It seems like it was a bit skipped over in biology class, not talked about. I never got to choose. I was indoctrinated from childhood but my parents had their choice. They came to Christ as adults in their 20´s. They chose out of their own mental health issues that this was this answer. They chose their answer. I didn't get to choose my way, my answer. I felt the cognitive dissonance even as a four-year old. One of my earliest memories is of my mom telling me that I had to accept Christ as my savior or I would go to hell. She would constantly remind me that if I died, I would go to a lake of fire if I did not accept Christ as my lord and savior. It sounded so weird to me even at such a young age. As a four year old, I tried to make sense of a god-man coming to earth to save the world, to die on a cross for the sins of the past and the present, and rise again, but disappear quickly only to show himself to a few. Every day, my mom would ask me if I wanted to pray the prayer and I kept telling her I would think about it. Even as a four year old, I wanted time, I wanted to use my own mind. I finally gave in out of fear of Satan and hell. After all, if my parents and all of the other people in my life believed it, then they must be right. They were adults. They knew. My little mind could not understand. That was the moment that I started to learn to doubt myself and my intuitions, that I started to learn to deny myself and even my own feelings about what I liked and disliked. My light started to go out...started to fade. I lost touch with myself right then and there.

Every day, my mom would ask me if I wanted to pray the prayer and I kept telling her I would think about it. Even as a four year old, I wanted time, I wanted to use my own mind.How is this fair?? I go from anger to sadness and then back to rage again. I ask myself if I am being too dramatic about it. I would say yes and I keep trying to tell myself to chill out, that I am in control of my life now. I would still like to get my memories erased like in the movie ¨Total Recall¨. Those that are still asleep in their blind faith have their church community, their friends, their family. All of that was ripped away from me. My best friends were christians, my family are still christian and our relationship can never be the same after leaving the faith. They don't see this of course. My family of course is praying for me every day that God will bring me back whatever it takes. I really would like them to accept me as I am, to see that I have made up my own mind and that there is nothing wrong with me. But, it is not okay with them. To them, I am on the wrong path. I am deceived. But, the fact is that I now live in reality, a reality I came to see through my own ponderings, my own research into the origin of man, of neuroscience, and the inaccuracy and obvious unholiness of the bible. I am proud of this, proud that I woke up, proud that I am aware and open-minded enough to ask questions.

I have the sensation that I am in a second adolescence trying to find out who I am again and I want to rant and rave about it. I want to shout and throw things sometimes, but instead I force myself to go for a bike ride or a run. I may be crying like a baby on that bike ride or run but at least by the time I am done, I am a bit better. I wonder if anyone else out there has had coming out. I am so thankful for this ex-christian community website and for the personal stories I have the opportunity to read here.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

ACTS OF GOD

By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi