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One Year Into Recovery – A Reflection

By AnonAgno94 ~

It's hard to believe - we are coming up now on one year of me departing from the born-again Christian community. And while I am not the best at maintaining an active online blogger lifestyle (apologies for not posting more regularly on here), I thought it would be appropriate to share some thoughts as to where I am now.

I came to this community here at Ex-C as a new agnostic, struggling with losing the foundation that once had the name “Jesus Christ” appended to it. Over the last few months, however, and after lengthy conversations with others with whom I have crossed paths, I will declare today that I now consider myself an atheist rather than an agnostic. Am I definite on that? No, but quite honestly with all of the knowledge I have gained over this last year on humanity and life as we know it, I cannot help but truly doubt there will be anything once my brain decides it has lived its life and needs a more permanent rest. Not relying upon some one-in-a-million afterlife can be a good way to live, I am slowly learning. It amplifies the appreciation I have for each breath that I take, for each day that I arrive home from work and can embrace my boyfriend, for each memory he and I can create and each plan we can take.

Though I am not out of the clearing yet, and quite honestly, I am not sure I ever will be, but with each passing day I grow steps and steps further from the mental abuse of conservative religion and closer towards the person I truly want to be – free, independent, and fully appreciative of what it means to be 'human.'

But I still break down sometimes. I still cannot bear the thought of being alone (my boyfriend wants to get me a dog to help me cope when he is gone on some weekends). Sometimes the thought of one day dying and never coming back completely terrifies me to where I wish, I wish that the god I had been raised to believe in, to trust in, in some good, loving form, actually existed so I could go back to believing that death would never touch me, that Christ would be my victory.

Apart from the judgmental, higher-than-thou mindset that Christianity teaches you, I at times envy the assurance so many devout believers have in the afterlife, the belief that I used to have so close to my heart.

But then I am reminded of Christianity's plague upon our nation; the influence it has over our society, over our political system (which is quite surprising honestly considering the historicity surrounding the founding of our country). Christians pride themselves on proselytizing to broken individuals, to those who are downtrodden, emotionally weak, vulnerable, and afaraid. It is when you are desperate that you truly reach out for something, anything. It is also when a figure, such as a “loving Jesus,” can weave his way into your belief system, to make you think that he is the everlasting friend, that he would do everything and anything for you, and, in fact, he already has.

I hope one day that we as humanity can alone be the true support for each other, not some false, mythical belief system. But I think we still have a long way to go before religion is truly but a memory of our species' existence, if ever. While it may not be in my lifetime, I can at least work to continue to connect with those (such as many of you who are probably reading this now) to encourage and support and remind that you are not alone and that you do not need some mythical being to tell you so but rather a physical, fellow human being. That you are not alone.

That I am not alone.