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Turning My Back on Religion

By BAD2G4E ~

I grew up in a family that was Christian. Not full-blown bible reading daily Christians, but every Sunday is going to church and do the "right" thing normal "I don't judge, but judging at the same time Christians. I believed wholeheartedly that God was a jealous God and Jesus was the way to salvation. My young mind was always curious, though. I had many, many questions, & the answer was always, "never question Jesus." It was amazing to me that the world's smartest humans were also the world's dumbest Christians.

I'm 27 and I met my partner at 18. Coming from a Christian family, you can imagine the looks I got, Right? I didn't tell my mom until my partner and I were dating 6 years. We'd go to family gatherings and spent holidays with family, but my mom insisted on calling her our "cousin." Dumb right? Well as we all know, a family filled with Christians, theirs bound to be "prophets" in the bunch, more on that later.

My partner and I found a church and started attending faithfully every Sunday, as well as Thursday Bible Studies. Our pastor's best friend, who was a "prophet" prophesied over me when I was about 22 and said, "God says what you're doing isn't right for you. It wasn't good then, and it's not good now. You're going to be a powerful woman of God, ( followed by a few nudges of the shoulder so I could fall into the holy spirits arms)" As you can imagine, that disabled me, with anxiety, so I started searching the bible. Upon reading the bible, I realized I was going to "hell" after I died, & I accepted that. I prayed for forgiveness and kept up my "sinful" ways because being with my partner made me happy.

Fast forward a few years, my partner and I are really happy and I'm in a great place. Still believing in God, still knowing I was going to "hell" although no longer attending a church; I received a call from a family member, the "prophet" July 18th, 2015 at 5:32 pm and the conversation went like this:

"Me: Hello

Family Member: Hey cuz, what's up

Me:*(heart pounding because I knew what was coming) Nothing much, just hanging out

Family Member: How have you and your little friend been doing (partner of 8 years)

Me: We've been great. Why?

Family Member: Oh, because God says y'all have argued a lot lately.

Me: No we haven't, why would God say that.

Family Member: Oh then you all are about to start.

Me: OK

Family Member: God says you have a husband.

Me: *(completely heart-broken) Oh really.

Family Member: I don't want to see you burn in hell, & that's where you'll end up if you don't stop this. God wants the best for you.

Me: I'm happy.

Family Member: God knows best.

Me: All

Family Member: I was just calling to check on you, & I'll be praying that you get out of that situation. I love you.

Me: I love you too."

I'm pretty sure you can imagine how this call made me feel. I was completely devastated. I was angry at myself for not standing up for my partner or my relationship, I was mad at God because I didn't understand why I had to go to hell, but I still didn't give up. After an anxiety-filled week passed, I called an Aunt of mine who's an evangelist and owns a church who considers herself a "prayer warrior". This is how the conversation went:

"Me: Hey, I was calling because I needed some advice.

Aunt: Sure honey. What's going on?

Me: I don't know if you were aware, but I'm a lesbian and another family member called to tell me a message from God.

Aunt: No I didn't know that, and what did he tell you was God's message.

Me: He said God told him I had a husband and I needed to leave my lifestyle alone.

Aunt: Well honey, you know he's right, God don't approve of you, and I know your parents didn't raise you like that. I know you better than that.

Me: *thoughts (you know me but I haven't seen you in 10+ years and you live 9 hours away) OK

Aunt: tells many stories of her past and how God doesn't like what I'm doing etc

Me: What shall I do.

Aunt: Read your bible and leave, do not wait, just leave.

Me: When we met, I knew in my heart we had a real connection

Aunt: That wasn't a connection honey, the only thing you two could ever be is sisters. You can't keep living in sin. That is an abomination. You're hurting God. So let me pray for you. Raise your hand up high.

Me: *now in tears, *raised my hands

Aunt: God I ask that you save the souls of these lost young women. I pray that you save them from burning in hell. *speaking in tongues for 5 minutes, then God, I ask that you fill her and her girlfriend's heart with despair. Place lots of despair over their hearts God. I ask you this now. You make sure they feel that despair God. AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! AAAGGGHH! Heavenly Father! We love you and we want to do your will. Now your Aunt loves you and I'll call you with Bible verses.

Me: *confused *heart-broken *crying hysterically *whispering OK, I love you too.

After I hung up the phone, I cried and I prayed and I asked God to take my partner away. That night, I packed my clothes and told my partner I had to leave because I was hurting God and I no longer wanted to burn in hell. She sat me down and I told her everything. My partner, the loving, sweet, kind person that she is has never believed in anything but nature and sharing the love with all life said, let's talk. We talked and she brought lots of things to my attention. She said if your cousin lied about us arguing why did you believe the other crap. She said you called your aunt whom you never speak to or see, for advice; the woman who's a preacher, the woman who owns a church, the woman who is on her fourth husband. She said this is happening because you're allowing it to happen. She said now it's time to find yourself and figure out exactly what you want for your life. She said no matter what happens, we will always be best friends.

The months to come were a COMPLETE HELL for me. Do you understand this? A Complete and Utter Hellish experience. I hated myself. I hated life. I questioned every decision I had made up until that point. I was in the darkest place of self and no one but me could help me. The pain and anxiety I had were unbearable. The sleepless nights were nightmarish and lonely. I basically lived on cigarettes and water. I turned to alcohol, don't get me wrong, I'd drink once a month, but now it was every single night. I shut down completely. I was numb and my heart had turned into ice. I no longer wanted to live. Panic Attacks were my greatest ally, Anxiety was my roommate, Depression was a bodyguard and Self Pity was the love of my life. Articles like "Homosexuals Changing for God" and "A Prophet Saved My Life" scared me poo-less. I became obsessed with gut instincts, intuition, tarot cards, numbers, dreams, values, beliefs, signs and many other things. Talk about miserable!

Then, one night I asked God, "Why do I have to burn in hell for being in love with another woman?" and that is when my entire world came crashing down. One question turned into a thousand mini questions. The fear that came over me for dare questioning the Almighty was unbearable. I started looking up Jesus facts and I stumbled upon Valerie Tarico's blog, which gave me so much anxiety until I was sick, literally! I hated her but admired her secretly. It fascinated me. Then, I started reading book after book about Science, Religion, Philosophy, History and Ancient History. I started with the origins of everything, then worked my way through. I started to look into my childhood and I noticed A WHOLE LOT that I never knew. I realized my parents had never said the words I love you to me or hugged me or kissed me. I started to see that anxiety had been a part of my whole life and I never acknowledged it. I started to see how I never actually knew what feelings were because they were a no-no growing up in my household. I started to see how a "prophet's" words could control me because I never knew my voice existed. As I dug deeper and deeper into ME, a sense of love for self-emerged. Looking at the facts and only facts eased my anxiety about the God thing and it compelled me into the realm of nonbelievers.

My family member text me the other day and this is our conversation Family Member: Are you keeping God's Commandments?

Me: Are You?

Family Member: Yes I am! Completely!

Me: Do you wash your clothes? Do you eat meat? Do you kill spiders and roaches?

Family Member: Yes to them all, but what does this have to do with the 10 Commandments??

Me: Thy Shall not kill.

Family Member: I didn't kill a human.

Me: It doesn't say, Thy Shall not kill a human, it says thou shall not kill. Life is Life. All life is important.

Me: You still there?

Me: BTW, I don't believe in that foolishness anymore, oh, and I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are divorcing. You're in my and my little friends' thoughts.

Me: I love you.

I couldn't resist it. HAHHAHHAHAHHAH!!