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God, Aspergers and suffering

By Bennyboy1992 ~

English: People with Asperger's Syndrome are o...
English: People with Asperger's Syndrome are often preoccupied with particular, specialized areas of knowledge, such as this boy's interest in molecular structure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am a 23-year-old unemployed university graduate in the United Kingdom with Asperger's. I used to believe in God when I was younger but I gradually began questioning it around the age of 17 and 18, although I still tried very hard to convince myself it makes sense and would often look at apologetic websites. However, when I went to university, everything changed: Due to my asperger's syndrome, that makes it incredibly hard for me to make close friends, I miserably failed my first year and it was extremely stressful, shaking my confidence and my well being to the core. I was too afraid for ask for help due to my aspergers and had no friends who could help me out when I was struggling with the work. I was looking forward to university so much, but everything went horribly wrong to say at the least. I had to retake my year with extenuating circumstances since I failed because I did not disclose my Aspergers so had no support worker since I thought that not disclosing it would not lead to any issues.

After that incredibly stressful year I had a year when I had no significant issues but in my second and third year I was taken advantage of, humiliated after making a social faux pas and in my final year I literally almost failed my project after being exploited again by someone who asked me to do the work for him but he did not return the favour as he promised.

Although I did have friends and a social life at Uni it was extremely minimal compared to an average student. I did not make any close friends but one who I feel incredibly envious of because she had a much better time at uni than me and after graduation she found a job easily after uni, it fell in her laps literally 3 months after graduation while I'm still getting nowhere nearly after a year. She did a philosophy degree that had no exams and no dissertation (and she is enjoying her money she earned now by going on 4 holidays literally like some Hollywood celebrity and will live happily ever after like a princess since her job is permanent), while I worked my socks off doing a course in I.T. that had loads of exams and a big final year project and yet I am still struggling to get a job. I believe my Asperger's contributes to it significantly since i have almost no friends and in this extremely competitive job market networking is crucial, the best way to get a job is to bypass the competition by having a friend, friend's parent, friend of friend etc. who works in the company put in a good word for you for a job that is not advertised. Unfortunately since this option isn't available for me, I find it much harder to get a job than others. I also think that prolonged stress and isolation impairs my brain so I find it much harder to prepare for interviews and assessment days.

Does anybody else with Aspergers feel this way about religion?After my terrible experience at uni and unemployment, I completely lost my faith in God. Why the heck did he choose to create me with this absolutely devastating condition that torments me every day, I live in isolation, had absolutely no social life at all for over a year, and guarantees me that I will be single forever, dying alone, while others (including my friend) had and are still having the time of their lives, her youth is full of joy, pleasure and lifetime memories. I don't get why some people like my friend are born with ginormous silver spoons in their mouths and incredibly happy and fulfilling lives while cannot even dream of having a life that is as good as hers. Life is supposed to be a test to get to heaven. And I don't think it is fair that some people have far, far more severe tests than others. It is easy for a christian to believe when everything is going well, etc. but when someone suffers so much it is inevitable that faith will be tested.

My friend's 'test' is to enjoy life (Although she doesn't believe in god but if she chose to believe it wouldn't be hard for her cos she has a good life), get a good career, make friends, fall in love, marry, have kids, watch them grow, and finally get old and die peacefully. This is the dream of everyone, having these things is the key to a good and easy life. I don't get why my test is to endure that these things are horrifically denied from me and that my mental health deteriorates and sometimes it feels like I am in a war zone. I believe depriving people of social interaction and employment is torture and that is completely unacceptable regardless of any 'eternal compensation' that is promised by some christians since it is completely incompatible with the notion of an all loving and benevolent god to expect someone to go through this amount of torture no matter what. Although I would call myself agnostic than atheist cos its impossible to disprove that there is some higher being out there but its certain that it cannot be the god of the bible/quran etc.

Does anybody else with Aspergers feel this way about religion?