Skip to main content


By Cecelia ~

Six months after dedicating my life to God, I felt so unhappy within myself that I leapt, head first, into a sex addiction.  I got into the regular habit of taking myself off to nightclubs, 
pubs and other likely venues in order to hook up with men for sex.  I wasn't interested in pursuing any sort of normal relationship.  It was the danger, anonymity and
excitement I wanted. 

At the time, my mind was in such a state of turmoil that I couldn't have explained to anyone, myself included, exactly, why I felt the need to do this.
I was lonely.  I knew that.  I felt unloved. I knew that, too. I was looking for an emotional connection that I sought to satisfy with a physical connection.  That was obvious.
The cold, stark reality of my days was depressing. I dragged myself around like a zombie, feeling dead inside, rejected and unwanted. I felt invisible.
Once, when walking along the street, I saw an acquaintance approaching me from the opposite direction.  In my depressed state, I asked myself the illogical--and soul destroying--question, 
"If I don't acknowledge this person, will she even notice I'm here?"
In contrast, the danger of the night and having sex with strangers made me feel alive, wanted, important --visible. It was irresistible.
This self-destructive behaviour limped on for nearly twenty years.  It wouldn't die.  The core reason for the addiction eluded me.
Then something happened.  I discovered that Christianity was a lie.  The jail door was open.  I raced out.  Suddenly, my need to seek anonymous sex decreased sharply.  Now, anyone who has ever 
been an addict knows just how significant and meaningful such a development is.  Once an addiction is in full swing, it is very hard to control.  Addicts, typically, pursue the drug of their choice 
way beyond its effectiveness. Even when it gets to the point of causing them tremendous harm and heartache, they can't stop.
But, while my addiction lessened, it didn't go away for many months. Of course, this is natural.  Addicts rarely stop overnight.  Be that as it may, when it did finally stop, there was a reason.
The very last man I went home with was different from the rest.  He wasn't in a hurry to move things along.  Instead, he was reluctant.
Finally, he admitted to me that he had changed his mind.  He didn't want to have sex with me because he was dreading telling his counsellor.
"Just don't tell him," I suggested in a cheeky attempt to be helpful.
He laughed awkwardly and then said, "No  I couldn't do that to him.  I couldn't do that to myself."
"He continued on, "You seem like a really nice girl to me.  You're so sweet.  Why are you doing this to yourself.  You're worth more than this."
Whack!  The words hit me over the head like a sledge hammer!  I had been "doing this" because I had felt unworthy.  My core belief about myself was that I was worthless.
I've always had low self-esteem but Christianity made it worse. I had gone from feeling inadequate, awkward and unwanted to feeling unworthy.  

The bible told me I was unworthy.  Christians told me I was unworthy.  In the end, I told myself I was unworthy.
I had left Christianity but the weight of unworthiness had not left me.  I had been having sex with strangers to confirm my belief that I was unworthy.
It had worked.  After almost twenty years of trying to be an unworthy Christian by day and an unworthy sex addict by night, I felt worse about myself than ever. 

Once I ripped off the chains of unworthiness, my need to have anonymous sex disappeared.
So did my guilt.  I no longer felt the need to be understood, comforted or forgiven.  I totally got it.
It's ironic that a Christian once told me that my feelings of constant condemnation came from the devil.  They didn't.  They came from Christianity.

At the moment, I'm doing extensive research on the roots of Judaism and Christianity--how they are derived from the worship of the sun.  While browsing in a second-hand book
store, I saw a bible.  I was tempted to buy it, to use as a reference for my study but I don't want it in my home!  It's an evil book that nearly destroyed me.


Popular posts from this blog

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

I can fix ignorance; I can't fix stupid!

By Bob O ~ I 'm an atheist and a 52-year veteran of public education. I need not tell anyone the problems associated with having to "duck" the "Which church do you belong to?" with my students and their parents. Once told by a parent that they would rather have a queer for their sons' teacher than an atheist! Spent HOURS going to the restroom right when prayers were performed: before assemblies, sports banquets, "Christmas Programs", awards assemblies, etc... Told everyone that I had a bladder problem. And "yes" it was a copout to many of you, but the old adage (yes, it's religious) accept what you can't change, change that which you can and accept the strength to know the difference! No need arguing that which you will never change. Enough of that. What I'd like to impart is my simple family chemistry. My wife is a Baptist - raised in a Baptist Orphanage (whole stories there) and is a believer. She did not know my religi