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Reverend Avery

By Carl S ~
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”- Lewis Carroll
“One man's religion is another man's belly-laugh.” - Robert A. Heinlein

Pastor Avery was not in a very good mood. His wife was still upset from their latest argument, and he now realized why. It was out of character for him to admit he was wrong. On top of that, he was reading “forbidden” books, and, since he had never liked being deceived, he wasn't too happy with his superiors, either. He wasn't looking forward to the monthly bible study for his trusting group of kids.

“Welcome, boys and girls. There are words we use every day when talking about God and his Word. Today, I'm going to tell you what they're really all about, so get out your paper and pencil. First of all: Some people even today believe there is more than one god, so they might think their gods created other worlds than our own. That's their problem. We know that God created our Earth and everything in it, just as we see it today. And after all, ours is really the only world that matters right?

“Okay. God made the stars, which were much smaller then, and filled the sky just above the Earth. They have been moving further and further away from Earth ever since. Although one stayed around long enough to lead the wise men to Bethlehem, then left, like a stray lamb, to join the others. They'll be back again, but they’ll shrink, 'cause they have to fall on Earth when it’s destroyed, according to Revelation. See how simple that is?

Back in biblical times, when men were truly receptive to revelations from God, and wrote of them, Heaven was much, much, closer to Earth than it is now. Therefore, Jesus, his mother, Elias and Mohammed, easily floated up to it. Since then, Heaven has moved so far away that it can't be seen with our strongest telescopes. It'll be back at the end times, when God's faithful will ascend into it.

God made the dinosaurs, and they lived in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. Scientists will tell you this isn't true, but they're wrong, because they're rejecting the Bible-word of God. God placed fossils everywhere on Earth, which only seem to be billions of years old, to confuse smarty-pants scientists, who are wise in the wisdom of the world, which is the same thing as foolishness to him.

Some of you want to know more about the Garden of Eden. Now, the Garden of Eden isn't very big, because nobody has been able to find it. Eden was the original Paradise, where nothing died,; not even fruits or vegetables. Wolves, hyenas, lions, etc., all carnivores, had nothing to eat. Not even Purina wolf, hyena, lion chow! Nobody ate, because eating meant something or somebody had to die.

Because Adam and Eve and all living things were commanded to “increase and multiply and fill the earth,” there was a problem: since nothing died before sin, things would get very, very crowded in the garden, right? The place wasn't expandable. How to accommodate them all? He hadn't figured on creatures taking his command seriously.

God came up with a solution: Something would have to happen to bring death into the world. He set up a fruit-tree trap for those first humans, telling them 'death' would be the result of eating its forbidden fruit. But 'death' didn't mean anything to them, because they had no experience of anything 'dying.' Maybe they thought 'death' was a positive, desirable, thing to experience? When a friendly serpent told them they'd get knowledge of good and evil if they ate the fruit, since they had no experience of “evil,” it might have sounded like a benefit they were missing out on. Who wouldn't be tempted, as this fruit became curiouser and curiouser? And so, being only human, they took the bait. The Bible tells us what the results were: not only would things die, thus preventing overcrowding, but they would have to exit the Garden! Wow. Clever, our God.

Now that 'sin' was in the world, all of God's authorities have been telling you what 'sin' means. So I will, too. Sin is physical, and we inherit it from our parents. Sins are passed down through the generations, as genes. This explains why God curses a man's children even into the third generation, for sins he commits today. I call this, 'Immoral Ontogeny.' Write that down. Now, Catholics teach Jesus' mother was an exception to sin; they say her womb was free of immoral-ontogeny, because it had to be 'immaculate,' meaning sterile, for Jesus. 'Why?' Jesus spent his entire life living in a sinful, dirty, germ-filled world! Catholic beliefs really are silly, aren't they?

Yesterday a young man asked me, “What happened to the dinosaurs, and why?” Well, God became displeased with them, destroyed them with an asteroid, and only their small offspring, like crocks and birds, survived. Maybe, too, the Earth wasn't big enough to keep all of them around? God only knows. Later on, God became angry and disappointed with humans too, and destroyed them, saving just a handful of them, who, strangely to our reasoning but not to God's wisdom, still carried and passed on the sin-genes.

Much later, God sent his son, Jesus, to atone for 'sins.' Maybe he thought humans would abandon sins if they started off with a clean slate. That's about as easy to do as to live in the world without getting dirty. But we aren't “the boy in the bubble,” are we? Jesus didn't get rid of those physical genes of immorality! And it looks like “redemption” didn't do the trick, since those nasty old sins keep propagating, like any organisms. What did God start, in that Garden? Since then, his people have to go around constantly telling everyone what's sinful, telling them curiosity about what we preach is temptation to be avoided. They're due to our sinful nature of being human, and will damn us to Hell. I'm stuck with the job of having to tell everyone the road to Heaven is straight and narrow. ( I won't tell them, some of God's reps have believers walking a tightrope with Hell gaping below).

Well, we've run out of time. Next week I plan to talk to you about how a woman is responsible for sin and death coming into our world. I'll tell you what very holy men, saints, have said; women tempt men to disobey God through their wiles, by dragging each male down to his basest instincts. Maybe I'll reveal why some holy men think Satan is a woman. Or I might not. Right now, I'm thinking about matters non-spiritual, like apologies, chocolates, and flowers. Good night.”

Note: Some of the doctrinal teachings attributed to “Reverend Avery” are fabricated, while others have been recorded and repeated, as told by ministers of the Bible. Can you tell the difference? How easy it is to make theological stuff up without evidence, and isn't it all without evidence?