Addiction

By Stef ~

Hi, I'm Stefanie and I'm addicted to religion.

I have seen others refer to this as an addiction, and I have said this myself before. Sometimes I wonder, am I making to much of this? Is it just something that happened in the past and I'm over it? No.. It's something I battle all the time. Am I sure all other ex Christians feel addicted? No, I don't know...

That's just it, I don't know....

I have been in a relationship with someone who goes to AA. I go to support him, And I listen. I have to say that I went through a lot that they did, but I can't tell them that, they will never understand. Its actually addicting to me to get into an organization. But I am an extremist and take it too far. I can't help it and I don't know when to quit, I end up getting hurt and hurting the people around me. Christianity hurt me and my family. I didn't know when to quit. I had to be just what God ordered and I thought I was doing right. If I hurt you for the cause... I was doing right, or so I thought. I lost everything in his name, and I would do it again and again, and I would have died for this god as well. I gave him my money when I was going without food. I was supposed to have faith. I ended up stealing food and then believed I was going to hell for it. There was no mercy. But I couldn't stop.

I guess it comes from a lifetime of not having acceptance. Never belonging and never being wanted. Then you find out that this guy in the sky loves you, wants you and you will do anything to get there. Again I was in a community of christians that were hateful, mean and uncaring. But I was so sure that doing things as needed would get me where I should be. I turned the other cheek to those who thought they were perfect and went to my knees hoping god saw my obedience. And I actually became a mean person myself without even knowing it. But I needed to belong, I needed to be okay. And I was the furthest from it and just didn't know it.

I just kept losing myself and always thinking that if I do what he wants, he will save me, he will do whats right. So many nights I spent on my knees. So many days I would go without food just to pray, I would cry. I would find something else wrong with me to apologize for -- just so he could forgive me -- and maybe now I might be good enough for him to have mercy on. No? I would find something else.. I turned on myself, Even though I was not abusive to my children, I would become strict, expecting perfectness out of them. I would scare my son with how the demons were coming for us, that we have to be right with god... I was sure any good I did was god through me, never that I was actually a good person. I was ready to accept that anything bad was who I was, that's what I was left with...

I had become this pitiful shadow of a person trying to become..... loved...

Something I was now convinced that I didn't deserve.

Hi, I'm Stefanie and I'm addicted to religion.It took a lot for me to realize what a mess my life was. And how much of a mess my life always was. And, that obviously no god was going to save me. I was so angry and had so much hate when I realized how my kids and I had been ruined all because of this religion. How much our lives would have been different without it. The three abusive marriages I got myself into all in the name of religion. The years of abuse, brainwashing, and praying.... praying because I thought god would get me out of this since he loved me so much. A myth...

But...

Over the years, over the time... Over understanding... I moved from hate and anger, and I found other ways to handle my past. I still get upset when I look back, but I am no longer filled with the hate I once had. It took a lot of time and work and years to get to this point.

Now came the realization...

I some how feel a need to belong. Not a normal need. Its so easy to somehow fall back into a religion setting. And I don't know why. Like how an abused wife goes back to her abuser, or an alcoholic goes back to the bottle... I know that they have groups that deal with this, as its explained that once you have been into a cult, its very easy to fall back into another one. Maybe the need to have a leader? Or still the need to belong and be loved? I don't know...

But I do know that secretly I have to be careful about getting into religion, into beliefs that show no proof. And even if it does, can I trust that? Its always there. Always feeling that push.... and I'm always running for dear life from any temptation... I've made it this far, I'm not going back.