Struggling with it all

SHARE:

By Scott S ~

So my story isn't much different than anyone else's: raised conservative christian, kept out of mainline churches for most of my young life because organized churches were "too corrupt", met mainly in people's homes on Wednesday nights for most of my childhood, home schooled, virgin 'til I was 23... Pretty boilerplate stuff, right?

Fast forward 10 years. I'm married, have three kids and am a member in good standing at a local bible church, where I even volunteer to teach sunday school to 6th graders. And every day I wake up, I feel like the biggest fraud who ever walked the earth. Why? Because I don't think I believe in God, or the supernatural, or heaven, or hell, or any of it anymore. And it hurts. It kills in fact. I've had so many suicidal thoughts over the last few months (related both to the idea in my stupid brain that I can't get out about there being no God, AND the cesspool which is my marriage most days), and I honestly have borderline lucid moments when I just want all the pain to end and to have some peace.

I love my family, and my kids especially. But I feel like I'm the shittiest father ever for "lying" to them about matters of faith. Hell, I baptized my 6 year old not 3 weeks ago! I know all the logical answers, and when I'm thinking clearly, I can work my way out of the darkness and back into the light of sanity. But it's becoming harder and harder to find my way back from the daily routine of wondering how much better I'd feel if I just...wasn't HERE anymore, ya know? Is this feeling normal? How do I find a way to combat this overwhelming sense of loneliness and loss and emptiness and sadness and despair that threatens to overwhelm me on a daily basis? Is there hope on the other side of it all? Can I ever be happy or at least not miserable again?

COMMENTS

A. Uiet Bhor,8,Agnosticator,9,Al Wm Johnson,3,Alegria,3,Alen Basic,1,American Apostate,3,Andrew Jasko,3,Anne R Keye,6,AnonAgno94,4,Apostate Paul,3,Articles,844,Aspieguy,12,Astreja,19,Atheist Dad,1,atheistnurse,10,AtheistToothFairy,6,Avangelism Project,7,Ben Love,69,Bill J,17,billybee,10,BlackFreethought,11,Bob Keye,3,Bob P,9,Bob R,5,boomSlang,2,Bore Venal Charlatan,2,Brian B,5,Brian Kellogg,8,Brisancian,3,Brother Jeff,9,Bruce Gerencser,2,Bruno Corey,1,Butch,2,C. T. Ogden,4,Calladus,5,Carl S,374,Carol Putnam,2,Carolyn Hyppolite,10,Cecelia,4,Cheryl Ensom Dack,6,Chris Highland,1,Chris W.,1,Christian Agnostic,2,Christmas,67,ChuckyJesus,7,ConversationsWithA,1,D. R. Khashaba,6,DagoodS,17,Daniel Morgan,2,Daniel out of the Lion's Den,15,Daniel Payne,1,Dano,28,darklady,7,Dave8,1,DealDoctor,29,Dennis Diehl,1,Dethblight,6,dharma,4,Discordia,4,DocMIke,30,Doubting Thomas,2,Doug John,1,Dr. Marlene Winell,43,Dr. Valerie Tarico,215,DRC,2,dswrites,2,Easter,33,EChamberlainMD,12,Ed (Teapot),2,Eric Jeffries,2,eveningmeadows,14,Evid3nc3,4,ex-Pastor Dan,25,exfundy,8,exPenty,8,Faithfool,2,Fernando Alcántar,5,freddieb42,2,freeatlast,6,Freethinking Okie,1,Gabe,3,Gary T. McDonald,2,God-O-Rama,6,Godlessgrrl,5,Greenworld,4,hellboundsoul,3,Houndies,3,Ian,14,illu minati,2,Incongruous Circumspection,11,J.C. Samuelson,25,J.W.,2,JadedAtheist,2,Jake Rhodes,3,James A. Haught,4,James C,4,James Wilhelm,2,Jazzybelle,3,Jennifer,3,Jody,5,John Blatt,8,John Botha,1,John Draper,26,John Fraysse,7,John Loftus,26,John Shores,26,Kalos,4,Karen Garst,31,Kevin Parry,1,Klym,24,Larry C,5,Larry Spencer,5,Letters,151,Libby Anne,3,Log1cd1ctat3s,2,Lorena,16,Luke,1,lungfish,1,Micah_Cowan,3,Michael Runyan,33,Michael Sherlock,5,Mriana,38,MtlRedAtheist,8,News,271,Nikki,1,Nvrgoingbk,7,NYdiva,2,ooglyman,2,Opinion,976,Patrice,2,Paul So,26,Philippe Orlando,3,Philonous,1,Politics,59,Positivist,5,Psy-Cop,1,psychman33,5,Rational Okie,3,Renoliz,10,Rev Ex-Evangelist,7,RickO,3,Robert Conner,8,Ronna Russell,12,RubySera,1,Rudy,4,Russ Hamel,2,SailerFraud,5,Sam Singleton,5,Science,105,SConner,2,SeageVT,3,Shaolin,4,Sharon,3,Simplex Munditiis,3,Son of a preacher,5,Stephen F. Uhl,4,Steve Dustcircle,4,Stillunsure,4,Stronger Now,3,summerbreeze,33,Susan G. Bonella,3,Tania,22,tekHedd,2,Testimonials,1915,Thanksgiving,9,The New Heretics,4,The STeWpId MoNkEy,4,The Thylacine,2,TheThinkingAtheist,5,Thin-ice,5,ThinkTank,5,Thomas,1,Tim Simmons,22,Tim Sledge,4,Tim Whistorn,2,Tim Wolf,1,TinMan,1,True Anathema,4,TruthSurge,11,Tyrone Williams,5,u,1,Ubi Dubium,4,undercover agnostic,24,unoder,7,Vadarama,2,Victor J Webster,2,Videos,433,Vyckie,11,Webmdave,85,WidePathGirl,2,WizenedSage,158,xrayman,6,xxkindofboredxx,2,Zach Moore,13,
ltr
item
ExChristian.Net: Struggling with it all
Struggling with it all
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XUK-xL0R_wI/WBYfCv0hnmI/AAAAAAAAKbs/M4Fgrf2idjIFLIW1SJRzpjLHMQJbBmhwgCLcB/s320/leaving-christianity.jpg
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XUK-xL0R_wI/WBYfCv0hnmI/AAAAAAAAKbs/M4Fgrf2idjIFLIW1SJRzpjLHMQJbBmhwgCLcB/s72-c/leaving-christianity.jpg
ExChristian.Net
https://new.exchristian.net/2016/10/struggling-with-it-all.html
https://new.exchristian.net/
https://new.exchristian.net/
https://new.exchristian.net/2016/10/struggling-with-it-all.html
true
1266985040290242663
UTF-8
Loaded All Posts Not found any posts VIEW ALL Read more Reply Cancel reply Delete By Home PAGES POSTS View All RECOMMENDED FOR YOU LABEL ARCHIVE SEARCH ALL POSTS Not found any post match with your request Back Home Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat January February March April May June July August September October November December Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec just now 1 minute ago $$1$$ minutes ago 1 hour ago $$1$$ hours ago Yesterday $$1$$ days ago $$1$$ weeks ago more than 5 weeks ago Followers Follow THIS PREMIUM CONTENT IS LOCKED STEP 1: Share to a social network STEP 2: Click the link on your social network Copy All Code Select All Code All codes were copied to your clipboard Can not copy the codes / texts, please press [CTRL]+[C] (or CMD+C with Mac) to copy