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Looking for advice on recovering

By Anonymous ~

I'm extremely encouraged to find this site, and I'm looking for advice--I'm like many on this site--raised in an evangelical Christian family. I attended one of the most conservative Christian colleges in the country for two years before transferring to a state school, and admitting to myself that I didn't believe a lot of this anymore.

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I was (and am) determined to go about spirituality in my own way, and have done quite a bit of recovering since that time. In the past few years, I've gone through a terribly painful experience when, upon moving in with my now fiancé, my parents lashed out (to put it lightly). I have never suffered so much as then.

Any advice on dealing with the guilt/combining my set of beliefs? I am still dealing from the aftermath of the previous brainwashing, and am looking to sort things out. I firmly believe that evangelical Christianity is amoral, and completely misses the more important teachings of Jesus (i.e. forgiveness, caring for the most pathetic individuals of the world, etc). I'm trying to figure out what I believe and what to do. I don't believe in Jesus as a savior, but I respect some of the aforementioned teachings. I believe in helping the most helpless. I want to believe in a loving God. I miss praying but feel like I'm not "allowed" to do it. I fear what comes after death. I don't feel like I could subscribe to a religion again. I don't know how to combine these things!

Since the difficult time with my parents, we have greatly improved our relationship. However, I still struggle at times with feeling guilty after I interact with them.

I know, without a doubt, the answer would never be returning to the church I grew up in, but I feel like I need something more than just my random belief set.

Any advice on dealing with the guilt/combining my set of beliefs?