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Gullible me

By atheistnurse ~

OK. So I get the news I had the big "C." Shock, fear, and then I got religious. Doesn't everyone who has a potentially fatal diagnosis? No? Well, call me gullible. At the time it gave peace to think that a loving benevolent god was in charge and I could trust him to take care of me. I think that is religion's most powerful draw--a psychological crutch to deal with things we don't want to deal with.

Fast forward to a successful treatment. I am totally enmeshed in a church by that time. I teach Sunday school, volunteer for almost everything, lead people to the lord, home-school my kids teaching them creationism.... You get the idea. I was totally brainwashed.

Then my husband got a traumatic brain injury in an automobile accident. He went from a funny, nice guy to an angry, selfish, unpredictable, childish man. It was the hardest freaking thing I ever lived through. I prayed and prayed and prayed because it was horrible and I believed god would help my family. I mean, isn't that what the bible promises?

I never once got anything from god during that time. No answer, no signs, no help. Nada, zip, zilch. Even our church didn't do anything to help our family. No one called, visited, asked if they could do anything--nothing. But every Sunday they all told us how they were praying for us.

Prayer wasn't working. Hmmmmm. Maybe, I thought, prayer was just a way to feel really, really good about doing absolutely nothing for anyone else. I am so grateful for our heathen neighbors and family who saw we needed help and rolled up their sleeves and helped us instead of sending up a quick prayer.

It doesn't matter how much faith you have, you are not going to be moving any mountains. More faith equals more brainwashed. Oh, and the church members kept telling me how god wouldn't give me more than I could bear. If I heard that one more time I was going to hit them up beside the head with my bible. What it really meant was, "Suck it up, sister, and quit complaining."

Well, after a couple of years of this it dawned on me that there is no god. It doesn't matter how much faith you have, you are not going to be moving any mountains. More faith equals more brainwashed. I could not reconcile my reality with what the bible said. Too many inconsistencies. All the things I just took on faith because they sounded a little too hinky, really were hinky. Imagine that.

At first I was depressed because I realized my entire belief system was a hoax. Then I was a little angry because I had believed a lie. After I got over feeling foolish for believing such a load of crap in the first place, it has actually been quite liberating. I no longer have to filter things through my god-glasses. I can like my gay/buddhist/adulterer coworkers, drink that glass of wine, even check out a nice butt once in a while without an ounce of guilt.

Of course, my ex-church is still praying for me because they are convinced I am going straight to hell in a hand basket. But, evidently their god did give me more than I could bear.


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