Skip to main content

Still holding on, part II

By J. Strong --

In 2005 I submitted a testimony saying that I knew I didn't believe but was still holding on to the idea that would change. Unfortunately I am still there. I lost my job in December 2009 and unemployment benefits are being cut off soon. My marriage is crumbling and it seems everything I touch is turning to garbage.

A hand holding a bar.Image via Wikipedia
I had been praying some, going back and forth between faith and knowing that I was only talking to myself. Although I knew God probably didn't exist I needed help and it seemed no one else would be more qualified than an all knowing all powerful deity. So I pushed my doubts aside and went to a local church at 10:00 at night.

Church was closed but I opened myself up to God and poured my heart out. I told him I couldn't go another day like this and I needed him more than ever. I actually cried for the first time is 13 years and begged him for some feedback, even if it was just a feeling or a word. Maybe just a statement saying it will be OK, or you're going to have to hold on for a while. Not to solve the problem or change anything, just talk to me, that's all.

After about an hour of appealing, I opened my eyes. My watch was still ticking the same. Cars were rolling by the same as they were before. Crickets were still chirping and it everything was exactly the same as it was before. I was still confused, hurt and alone. If I was talking to my biological parents they would at least comfort me and do everything they could to help. This heavenly father did no such thing, and I am really hurt by it. I hurt so much now that death is just a formality. The real death happened so long ago. I begged for some kind of resuscitation, but my father -- my own heavenly father -- turned his back and ignored my plea. Or maybe, after all that, I was just talking to myself anyway. Talking to the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. Talking to the only person that can figure out what to do. As for the Lord, I still pay lip service to him, because as Black man atheism is worse than a communicable disease, at least where I come from. My wife comes from a pentecostal background, and she probably would leave with my daughter if I come out and say what I really feel.

I so wish there was a God, but now that I really know there isn't, what good does it do me? If this is the reality I'm stuck with, then the possibility of a caring sky daddy is better than nothing. What else do I have? Who else has the power to help?

I wait for the heavens to open up and shine upon me. I wait for the voice that probably will never come. I long for the comfort that has yet to soothe me. Most of all I wait for the answer to a question that probably won't be answered. Richard Dawkins said that God is a delusion, and he is right. Delusion gives hope where reality has stopped. I hate it but the only alternative to this for me is to continue in squalor. At least with delusion I can hope day after day a rope will swing down and get me out of the pit. After years of trying to climb out what else is there.

What else is there?


Popular posts from this blog

Are You an Atheist Success Story?

By Avangelism Project ~ F acts don’t spread. Stories do. It’s how (good) marketing works, it’s how elections (unfortunately) are won and lost, and it’s how (all) religion spreads. Proselytization isn’t accomplished with better arguments. It’s accomplished with better stories and it’s time we atheists catch up. It’s not like atheists don’t love a good story. Head over to the atheist reddit and take a look if you don’t believe me. We’re all over stories painting religion in a bad light. Nothing wrong with that, but we ignore the value of a story or a testimonial when we’re dealing with Christians. We can’t be so proud to argue the semantics of whether atheism is a belief or deconversion is actually proselytization. When we become more interested in defining our terms than in affecting people, we’ve relegated ourselves to irrelevance preferring to be smug in our minority, but semantically correct, nonbelief. Results Determine Reality The thing is when we opt to bury our

So Just How Dumb Were Jesus’ Disciples? The Resurrection, Part VII.

By Robert Conner ~ T he first mention of Jesus’ resurrection comes from a letter written by Paul of Tarsus. Paul appears to have had no interest whatsoever in the “historical” Jesus: “even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, we know him so no longer.” ( 2 Corinthians 5:16 ) Paul’s surviving letters never once mention any of Jesus’ many exorcisms and healings, the raising of Lazarus, or Jesus’ virgin birth, and barely allude to Jesus’ teaching. For Paul, Jesus only gets interesting after he’s dead, but even here Paul’s attention to detail is sketchy at best. For instance, Paul says Jesus “was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures” ( 1 Corinthians 15:4 ), but there are no scriptures that foretell the Jewish Messiah would at long last appear only to die at the hands of Gentiles, much less that the Messiah would then be raised from the dead after three days. After his miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus—an event Paul never mentions in his lette

Christian TV presenter reads out Star Wars plot as story of salvation

An email prankster tricked the host of a Christian TV show into reading out the plots of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Star Wars in the belief they were stories of personal salvation. The unsuspecting host read out most of the opening rap to The Fresh Prince, a 1990s US sitcom starring Will Smith , apparently unaware that it was not a genuine testimony of faith. The prankster had slightly adapted the lyrics but the references to a misspent youth playing basketball in West Philadelphia would have been instantly familiar to most viewers. The lines read out by the DJ included: "One day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother." The presenter on Genesis TV , a British Christian channel, eventually realised that he was being pranked and cut the story short – only to move on to another spoof email based on the plot of the Star Wars films. It began: &quo


By David Andrew Dugle ~   S ettle down now children, here's the story from the Book of David called The Parable of the Bent Cross. In the land Southeast of Eden –  Eden, Minnesota that is – between two rivers called the Big Miami and the Little Miami, in the name of Saint Gertrude there was once built a church. Here next to it was also built a fine parochial school. The congregation thrived and after a multitude of years, a new, bigger church was erected, well made with clean straight lines and a high steeple topped with a tall, thin cross of gold. The faithful felt proud, but now very low was their money. Their Sunday offerings and school fees did not suffice. Anon, they decided to raise money in an unclean way. One fine summer day the faithful erected tents in the chariot lot between the two buildings. In the tents they set up all manner of games – ring toss, bingo, little mechanical racing horses and roulette wheels – then all who lived in the land between the two rivers we

Morality is not a Good Argument for Christianity

By austinrohm ~ I wrote this article as I was deconverting in my own head: I never talked with anyone about it, but it was a letter I wrote as if I was writing to all the Christians in my life who constantly brought up how morality was the best argument for Christianity. No Christian has read this so far, but it is written from the point of view of a frustrated closeted atheist whose only outlet was organizing his thoughts on the keyboard. A common phrase used with non-Christians is: “Well without God, there isn’t a foundation of morality. If God is not real, then you could go around killing and raping.” There are a few things which must be addressed. 1. Show me objective morality. Define it and show me an example. Different Christians have different moral standards depending on how they interpret the Bible. Often times, they will just find what they believe, then go back into scripture and find a way to validate it. Conversely, many feel a particular action is not

Why I left the Canadian Reformed Church

By Chuck Eelhart ~ I was born into a believing family. The denomination is called Canadian Reformed Church . It is a Dutch Calvinistic Christian Church. My parents were Dutch immigrants to Canada in 1951. They had come from two slightly differing factions of the same Reformed faith in the Netherlands . Arriving unmarried in Canada they joined the slightly more conservative of the factions. It was a small group at first. Being far from Holland and strangers in a new country these young families found a strong bonding point in their church. Deutsch: Heidelberger Katechismus, Druck 1563 (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I was born in 1955 the third of eventually 9 children. We lived in a small southern Ontario farming community of Fergus. Being young conservative and industrious the community of immigrants prospered. While they did mix and work in the community almost all of the social bonding was within the church group. Being of the first generation born here we had a foot in two