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Still holding on, part II

By J. Strong --

In 2005 I submitted a testimony saying that I knew I didn't believe but was still holding on to the idea that would change. Unfortunately I am still there. I lost my job in December 2009 and unemployment benefits are being cut off soon. My marriage is crumbling and it seems everything I touch is turning to garbage.

A hand holding a bar.Image via Wikipedia
I had been praying some, going back and forth between faith and knowing that I was only talking to myself. Although I knew God probably didn't exist I needed help and it seemed no one else would be more qualified than an all knowing all powerful deity. So I pushed my doubts aside and went to a local church at 10:00 at night.

Church was closed but I opened myself up to God and poured my heart out. I told him I couldn't go another day like this and I needed him more than ever. I actually cried for the first time is 13 years and begged him for some feedback, even if it was just a feeling or a word. Maybe just a statement saying it will be OK, or you're going to have to hold on for a while. Not to solve the problem or change anything, just talk to me, that's all.

After about an hour of appealing, I opened my eyes. My watch was still ticking the same. Cars were rolling by the same as they were before. Crickets were still chirping and it everything was exactly the same as it was before. I was still confused, hurt and alone. If I was talking to my biological parents they would at least comfort me and do everything they could to help. This heavenly father did no such thing, and I am really hurt by it. I hurt so much now that death is just a formality. The real death happened so long ago. I begged for some kind of resuscitation, but my father -- my own heavenly father -- turned his back and ignored my plea. Or maybe, after all that, I was just talking to myself anyway. Talking to the only person who can make the changes that need to be made. Talking to the only person that can figure out what to do. As for the Lord, I still pay lip service to him, because as Black man atheism is worse than a communicable disease, at least where I come from. My wife comes from a pentecostal background, and she probably would leave with my daughter if I come out and say what I really feel.

I so wish there was a God, but now that I really know there isn't, what good does it do me? If this is the reality I'm stuck with, then the possibility of a caring sky daddy is better than nothing. What else do I have? Who else has the power to help?

I wait for the heavens to open up and shine upon me. I wait for the voice that probably will never come. I long for the comfort that has yet to soothe me. Most of all I wait for the answer to a question that probably won't be answered. Richard Dawkins said that God is a delusion, and he is right. Delusion gives hope where reality has stopped. I hate it but the only alternative to this for me is to continue in squalor. At least with delusion I can hope day after day a rope will swing down and get me out of the pit. After years of trying to climb out what else is there.

What else is there?