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Questioning my faith in the Christian God

By manwithquestions ~

So I started dating a christian woman who eventually told me if I didn't go to church I could not marry her. So heck i gave it a shot. The music the message kinda touched me I remember crying my first time going. I went on Sundays her family were all born again and very very into the religion. Deep down I knew it was a little much but I thought so I had felt Gods presence so I continued on.
Although I was going to church, some bible study I always questioned: Why I couldn't have sex with my girlfriend and was it all real or a big sham? Friends thought I was crazy for waiting so long 'till marriage. I was suppressing natural feelings and it was very difficult to deal with. This led to watching things the church would deem bad, but I felt it was just natural.

Eventually I felt more and more overwhelmed by the religion. It was just overbearing. The fact that we were the only ones right and everyone else was wrong, I just could not agree with. I also felt the Old Testament God was a different person than the New testament God. All the brutal and sick stuff didn't make sense. They would tell me, "Oh that's just the old testament -- don't worry bout it." Unfortunately I did worry about it and looked more and more into it and could not agree with what I was reading. How was I to tell a Buddhist friend he is going to hell if he does not believe in Jesus? He is the most peaceful non-violent good person I know. It just didn't make sense to me. Even the New Testament started to make no sense.

Jesus says he came to bring the sword. I came to divide not bring peace. Well to me that makes no sense. All the suffering that happens they would tell me, "Oh that's do to sin or the devil." I'm like "Well God is just sitting back watching his children suffer. he can stop it. Why doesn't he?" He seems like a sick individual the more I think about it. Here I am praying about a good job and others can't even eat, who are Gods children! Sorry, it don't make sense. The family wants to take everything literal, but cherry picks what they want. I told them you better not open up your mouth in church if you're a woman and also get a head cover. If I marry you and you're not a virgin you are to be stoned to death. Really?

I always wondered why the Jews were so special. Why does God choose and harden hearts of some? That makes no sense. Why did 1-year old kids die of cancer? ...don't make sense to me. And don't forget to give the church your money. They want 10% (lol). Why does God need my money? Their answer is "Everything is His anyway."

I feel like I am just too smart to be totally brainwashed. I am logical, critical, rationale and a free thinker. I don't just accept. I love the Christians who carry there Bible everywhere, but only read the lovey stuff. If you were learning from a book, wouldn't you study the whole thing?

I also noticed that most Christians are very weak and live in fear. They mature spiritually, but never grow up themselves or give themselves credit for anything. It's all God and the bad is the devil. I think a lot of them are totally brainwashed and living in a bubble.

The real kicker for me is how they think they are the only ones who are right. Well, what happens if they were born in another area, say Afghanistan? They would be a Muslim and then the Christians would be wrong. I feel I almost took the bait, but not fully. I always doubted this stuff.

Its hard because I thought I felt Gods presence and him working in my life. Was that just coincidence or my positive vibe? Law of attraction? Not sure... Also, my Christian friends were always very supportive good people.

Any thoughts would be great. This is my first post here and thank you all for some great information here.