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I'm a tyco racetrack

By Matt ~

Howdy all, my name is Matt and yep coming here because I'm going forward only to come back to the beginning. Long story short; raised a Jehovah's Witness in a very violent home. Tried to commit suicide, offered myself as a martyr by refusing a blood transfusion 26 years ago, led a debauched lifestyle, had a child, tried a relationship as a father who believed in the bible god, to be a good example as a father, but father just no longer can bring himself to go to church, believe in blind faith, haven't been associated with any church for quite a while.

Boys and their toysImage by JW Ogden via Flickr
My daughter no longer wants to go to church, she's 12 so I'm not getting a 'why not' conversation out of her as to why she doesn't want to go. But gut feeling is that she finds something not quite right about religion. I'm not 100% sure that's how she feels/thinks, but she does not like to discuss religion, yet she's still on tract to go through some type of ritual at the Lutheran church her mother makes her go to, which she likes to go to, or so she says. Like I said she doesn't like to discuss religion stuff, she instantly shuts me off when I try to bring it up.

I haven't been the exemplary role model for church. I've dragged her to quite a few, more than a dozen for sure. I've done my 'church shopping' with her hoping to find that one church that made things 'click' for me and her, but so far just hitting duds instead of 'clicks'. Last one had pretty good music, but the message was still the same as all the others ones I've heard: 'Have a relation ship with a historical figure who really doesn't like you', or spend your life with a blind faith consisting of contradictions, counter similarities and prejudice.

Yet I continue coming back to the beginning in that no matter the arguments, proof, truth, theory or emotion, I cannot shake the belief that the entire cosmos just popped into existence over a couple of quadrillion years. I really have a hard time believing the bible shows us this answer. Why am I going to pay so much attention to a way of life from a barbaric civilization who came upon the scene in a very short not so long ago compared to the age of the earth, and that civilization receives much more attention than the civilizations that have been found that were on the scene long before Adam was created.

I've been so entrenched into believing, I'm having a hard time altering my thoughts... not my lifestyle, but my beliefs. I really don't like the sound of hell. Yet the bible words for hell aren't Dante, but Alexandrian.