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I feel such a fool for believing something that I knew nothing about.

By Nature rules ~



My story starts when I was about 5 years old. It was a Sunday evening and Jesus of Nazareth was on t.v. (the Robert Powell version) I was sat, curled up on the sofa with my mother and there on the screen I saw a vision of the man they called Jesus. He was beautiful and I was hooked. As young as I was, I had fallen head over heels in love with this perfect, kind, gentle man. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Week after week I waited for Sundays to arrive so I could watch my hero on tele and then the B*****ds crucified him.

My heart broke. I can still remember the pain I felt and how devastated I was. Did this really happen to Him? How could they do it to Him? I was so hurt and confused but I knew I loved Him so for the next thirty five years my love remained. It was a private and quiet faith. Only attended church a handful of times over the years. I always came out feeling empty so I just kept Him in my heart and it was enough for both of us.

About 12 months ago I was invited by a friend to a local church. It turned out to be a 12 week course about Jesus and the Christian faith. I thought "why not, can't do any harm" So along I went, rather looking forward to it actually. The first 3 weeks were great. I came out of there all pumped up and ready for more.Over the next few weeks things did get a lot heavier in there. God seemed to crop up a lot more than I hoped and the dreaded Hell reared its ugly head more than once. Another thing a couldn't understand was the very different characters of Jesus and God. They seemed to me poles apart but the Christians won't have it. I always tried to distance myself from God, He always filled me with terror. I just couldn't see the love in Him the way they saw it.

I thought it was time to check things out for myself so I did the obvious thing and picked up the Bible.
Now then, I know a few of the better known biblical stories and I know that the bible conflicts with what our science friends have discovered. But this really didn't bother me too much. I thought there will be a way to bridge the two,someway to square the circle, it will just take time or a little more understanding from both parties.

Oh dear oh dear, how wrong I was!!!

What a F***ing nightmare that book is. How on Earth can this piece of crap still be in print. It should be outlawed at the very least. Bears mauling children, mothers eating their own babies and spicing them well! How could my beautiful Jesus and THIS be associated with each other. Something was very, very wrong here.

The next week I went to my Jesus class with a heavy heart. I wrote down some questions so my Christian friends could put my troubled mind to rest. Well you have guessed it...they couldn't. It was like a car crash in there. My questions caused havoc. Some of the so called church elders couldn't even remember that part of their bible. Some tried to answer but then had other elders butt in and tell the others they were wrong. Some said they would have to go away and look into it further.

And that my friends was when my own search for the "truth" started. Its early days but I know already I am on the right path. Its easier for me than it has been for some of you because my faith was my own. My family and friends were never 'that in to it'. I had gotten to where I was on my own without any pressure from others. And so my road out of there is my own..no pressure from anyone.

But I must admit it still does get tricky from time to time. The thought of Jesus used to give me a wonderful, warm, cosy feeling. If I don't keep up with reading and re-educating myself, after a while, that warm feeling starts to come back and I have slight feelings of guilt and betrayal towards Him. Its as if there is an invisible bungie rope attached that slowly pulls me back to Him. That's because the seed was set when I was little I guess. It's hard but I hope not impossible, to erase that little seed. I am dithering somewhere between Deism and bordering on Atheism if that makes any sense. Of course I am still searching but having loads of fun at the same time.

You know what guys??...

...I cannot think of a single negative there is for being a non-believer. And that coupled with a 'no hell to worry about,' It's a win win situation.

You have all given me hours of entertainment over the months, you have made me laugh and given me a new and more fulfilling faith in humanity. I thank each and everyone of you.

Life seems less heavy now, nature somehow seems more vibrant and a journey in to the unknown fills me with excitement.


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