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Was Jesus Smelly?

By Anne R Keye ~

We’ve heard it all before. Atheists and Christians yap yapping with the same old arguments back and forth. Well, enough I say! There is something much much more serious to contend with here that we must all confront and this concerns me deeply. So serious was it that I pleaded with a silent god on a nightly basis to deliver me the answer to this most important of all questions.

Was jesus smelly?

I lived in dread as an 8 year old child that I would have to kiss his feet in heaven. I had nightmares about his odd feet and the dripping sweat and a horrible cheese smell. What was a child to do?

Well, I went to the padre and poured my little heart out. He reassured me that in heaven there was a bath and that jesus would have had a bath with god and that I shouldn’t worry about such silly musings.

But it got worse. I thought what would jesus be wearing below? I mean under his white dress [ robe?] which surely would be ripe with dirt from the winds of the desert. This bothered me. If he didn’t have under garments then was it all wiggling about on a daily basis and would it be wiggling about in heaven with god. This led to the most difficult phase for me. What about the problem of waste? Did they have a form of papyrus roll back then and if so it must have been very expensive and you couldn’t carry it around in the desert could you. Who had the money to buy such a luxury item or did jesus produce 5000 rolls from 2 fish? This was a disturbing epiphany and it shocked and worried me. How did jesus wipe? Perhaps they employed some sort of healing wiping leaf from a specialist fig tree back then. Surely this must have been important for them as they were travelling about a lot. How would a messiah stay clean and pure?

Was jesus really smelly? At this point the padre refused to discuss this situation anymore because it produced smoke from his nostrils and fire from his ears. He also started using strange words that my mother had informed me were rather rude and crude. And he kept salivating at the mouth and his face would turn bright red like a traffic light.

But, I really needed to know.

So this brings me back to my point and a very crucial one I feel. Was jesus really smelly? Did he possess greasy long hair, and remember they didn’t produce head and shoulders back then you know. And what about that beard. How much of the last supper could have been caught up in there? Remember, the heat and the winds of the dry desert and the followers living conditions would not make their lives hygienic at all!

This was terrifying because I don’t think I would want that alabaster jar anywhere near my hands. What would jesus say? Would he take it personally?

I have nothing against jesus either as a fictional character or as man made nonsense and fairytales. But I wonder how many of those that consider themselves christians would have this man in their house? A smelly, cheesy,greasy non underpants wearing sweating man to love?

A sad end to a religion lost. Why couldn’t the padre and those in the church give me an answer? Why, I ask you. Why wasn’t this ever expressed. Many left the fold over this and I dare say many still are.

I wish you all the best jesus because your supporters have really let you down on this one.

Thank you for reading. Love to you all.