I 'm a pastor's daughter. As such, I've been spoon-fed Bible stories since I could crawl. My first language was “Christianese.” Just as a kid blindly believes in Superman and Santa, I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was probably only four years old.
The hardest part about this process of de-conversion is that my entire worldview has been constructed in such a way that my life is meaningless without God. I memorized that line in the Westminster Catechism: "What is the chief end of man? To Glorify God and enjoy him forever." Whenever anything was stressful or scary, all I had to do was pray to calm down, because I knew that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." I’ve never lived a day without God in the picture, providing peace and purpose and all that jazz.
So that is why I fought the little seeds of doubt, “Satan’s distractions” for so long. I held on so tightly to the decaying remains of my faith until the very last crumbs slipped through my fingers. I held on because it felt like once I let go, it would be a terrifying free-fall into nothing. And so far, it has been.
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through; more heartbreaking than any death or breakup. I feel totally isolated from everyone and everything I loved. I don’t know how to relate to my Christian friends or family. I don’t know how to make sense of my life. I sleep with the lights on and my heart is constantly racing (along with my mind, apparently searching for something to grab onto during this freefall.)
I held on so tightly to the decaying remains of my faith until the very last crumbs slipped through my fingersI don’t know whether I'm agnostic or atheist or humanist naturalist or whatever. All I know is that I have “taken the red pill” so to speak, and there is no going back. Im only 21 and I know that I have plenty of time to craft a new worldview and a new life, but honestly I’m just so tired of thinking about it I don’t even want to. I just feel resigned to misery and loneliness as a result of this whole stupid thing.
I don’t feel able to “Come out” because I know my parents' hearts would be broken. And I cant stand the thought of them praying for my soul constantly, and feeling like they failed me. I don’t want to tell my friends or siblings, because they are so happy in the midst of the illusion and I don’t want to cause them to ever go through this. I think I might have to see a therapist.
I’d like to hear from you all whether it was this hard on any of you, and how you dealt with it without closing yourselves off emotionally.
- Where did you find support?
- How did you protect your friends and family?
- How did you deal with the sudden purposelessness?
- What did you grab on to?
Any suggestions and resources would be very much appreciated.
Filed Under: Testimonials