The 33-Year-Old Virgin: The Most Unbelievable Part of the Jesus Story
Of all the wild, miraculous, and downright physics-defying things in the story of Jesus, perhaps the most absurd claim of all is that he died at the ripe old age of 33… without ever having done the deed.
Let’s be real—this is more unbelievable than walking on water. More far-fetched than feeding 5,000 people with a couple of fish and some stale bread. More ridiculous than coming back from the dead after being executed by an empire that specialized in executing people. Because while resurrection is improbable, celibacy in your thirties is downright suspicious.
The Bachelor Messiah
Picture it: First-century Judea. A handsome carpenter (because of course Jesus was handsome—every Renaissance painting confirms this). He’s well-spoken, compassionate, good with his hands (literally—he’s a carpenter), and performs magic tricks that would make even David Blaine jealous. He turns water into wine at parties. He heals the sick, raises the dead, and preaches about love, forgiveness, and sharing your wealth—essentially making him the ultimate "nice guy" in a world dominated by Roman egos and toxic masculinity.
And we’re supposed to believe that no one—not a single person—tried to see if the Son of God could also be the God of Lovemaking? Please.
The Disciples Were Definitely Side-Eyeing This
You can’t tell me that at least one of the disciples didn’t pull Jesus aside at some point, give him a little nudge, and say, “Hey, Rabbi… have you considered settling down?” Even Peter, who was known for putting his foot in his mouth, probably said something like, “Look, I know you’re the Messiah and all, but have you met Sarah over there? She’s really into prophets.”
And don’t even get me started on Mary Magdalene. Whether or not you believe the theories that she and Jesus had a thing, she was around. A lot. Devoted. Emotional at his execution. First at the tomb when he resurrected. That’s not just casual friend behavior; that’s “I had a situationship with this man, and now he’s dead” energy.
Not Even a Little Self-Love?
But okay, fine, let’s say Jesus did avoid sex. Maybe he really did take the whole holiness thing to heart. He never even… relieved some stress? Not even as a teenager? Not even once? But you mean to tell me that he never even… relieved some stress? Not even as a teenager? Not even once?
We’re talking about a biological human male in his teens and twenties—peak testosterone-fueled, awkwardly waking-up-with-a-problem years—who just… ignored it? No tossing and turning at night, wrestling with more than just existential thoughts? No sheepishly excusing himself to “pray” a little longer than necessary? Not even a moment of curiosity during those long, lonely walks in the desert?
If Jesus truly resisted not just sex, but even the most basic human urge for private relief, that’s not just saintly—that’s suspicious. Because this wasn’t a man locked in a monastery with cold stone walls and no social interaction. He was surrounded by people. He traveled with them. He healed the sick, he comforted the suffering, and he was human.
And if he really never even experimented with himself, then forget the resurrection—that’s the real supernatural event in this story. You can tell me he raised Lazarus from the dead, but if he never even once had a teenage moment of discovery under the Nazareth moonlight, I’m calling divine intervention of the highest order.
The Roman Take on Things
Let’s assume, for a second, that Jesus was actually celibate. You know what the Romans thought of celibacy? Weakness. The Romans were all about indulgence—food, drink, and love affairs. The idea that someone with Jesus’ charisma and influence voluntarily abstained? It would’ve been laughable to them. Nero alone had enough scandalous affairs to fill a Netflix docuseries, and yet here was this wandering prophet just… choosing chastity?
And let’s not forget: This man had followers. Men and women who hung on his every word, traveled with him, and listened to him preach about love. He was basically a first-century rock star with a devoted fanbase. Even Mick Jagger had a few road trip romances.
The Real Miracle?
If Jesus really was a 33-year-old virgin who also never even took care of himself in private, then let’s be honest—that might be the greatest miracle of all. Forget feeding multitudes with a lunchable. Forget turning water into a fine vintage. If the Son of God made it to his mid-thirties without any earthly temptations… well, that’s divine intervention at its finest.
Or, just maybe, we’ve been reading the story a little too… naively.