A Three-Day Death Sentence: The Absurdity of the Jesus Story in Modern Times

Imagine, for a moment, that someone told you today that a man was executed, stayed dead for three days, then got up, dusted himself off, and walked out of his grave like a guy waking up from a nap. You’d assume they were joking—or that they had been taken in by some fringe internet conspiracy. Yet, this is the foundational claim of Christianity, a belief held by billions, despite being the sort of thing that, if it happened now, would be filed under "bizarre hoax" on Snopes within hours.

To make it even stranger, the story doesn’t end there. After a few weeks of post-death appearances—appearing to his disciples, having breakfast, and showing off his spear wound like a party trick—Jesus decides to leave Earth by ascending into heaven. This was before we knew about outer space, of course, because "going up" in those days just meant "going where God lives." Today, we know better. If a man literally ascended into the sky, he wouldn’t be transported to some celestial paradise—he’d eventually either suffocate, freeze, or get cooked by radiation. At best, he'd be orbiting as the world's first accidental astronaut.

The absurdity of these stories becomes even clearer when you compare them to the miraculous claims of modern cults or fringe religions. We laugh at Scientologists believing in Xenu, the galactic overlord, or at Heaven’s Gate members thinking a spaceship was hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet. But how is Jesus teleporting through locked doors or turning water into wine any less ridiculous? If someone today claimed their spiritual leader had just fed five thousand people with a couple of loaves and some fish, we’d demand video evidence. Yet, because these stories were written down in an old book, they are treated as profound instead of preposterous.

Consider the other supernatural highlights from the Jesus mythos:

• Walking on water—something only possible if you’re a magician performing a Vegas trick.

• Healing the blind with spit and dirt—medieval folk medicine at best, unhygienic at worst.

• Cursing a fig tree for not having fruit out of season—the divine equivalent of throwing a tantrum at an ATM for being out of cash.

• Raising Lazarus from the dead—if this happened today, medical experts would want to study the case, not canonize it.

And yet, many of the same people who dismiss UFO sightings or ghost stories will insist that these ancient supernatural claims are true. Why? Because they were told the stories as children, and childhood indoctrination is powerful. It allows bizarre tales to be accepted uncritically, even when they defy everything we know about reality.

At the end of the day, the Jesus narrative isn’t significantly different from the wilder tales of modern religious movements—it’s just older, polished by tradition, and protected by social norms that discourage people from pointing out its obvious absurdities. If a new cult leader today tried to sell the exact same story, they’d be ridiculed. And yet, here we are, treating the resurrection as sacred while laughing at the likes of L. Ron Hubbard.

Perhaps in another 2,000 years, people will look back on today’s bizarre religious claims with the same unquestioning reverence. Or maybe—just maybe—future generations will see them for what they are: elaborate fairy tales, nothing more.

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