Skip to main content


By Jason7 ~

Recovering x-Christian here. Struggling spiritually.

My life used to revolve around church. All my friends were from the church. My ex-wife & 4 kids were all heavily involved with the church. We were there every Sunday. We took my kids there for Wednesday night children's church. My family & I lived in a carefully constructed, sheltered Christian bubble.

My life revolved around the Bible & I taught my family that it was 100% truth. We listened to Christian music & frowned on secular music with its cuss words & loose morality. We didn't smoke. we didn't openly cuss. We surrounded ourselves with like-minded Christians & had no non-Christian friends.

We thought of ourselves as Holy & set apart by God to be his light in the world & to spread his love.

However, underneath my outer Christian shell was a soul that was struggling intensely.

I started questioning things that didn't make sense about my religion & God himself. I asked myself & others why God would allow evil in the world. I watched a documentary about modern day sexual slavery. At that present time, there were brothels in Cambodia filled with children as young as 3 who were being sexually tortured & raped every day. I became so angry that God would allow things like that to happen to innocent children.

I started thinking that God wasn't such a loving God after all. When I voiced my doubts & struggles with Christianity to my family members, I was frowned upon & considered less spiritual than my undoubting family. They didn't question anything about the church, or the bible, at least openly.

Most Sundays after church my in-laws would say what a great sermon it was, how it moved them emotionally & spiritually. They would say "that was such a good sermon, wasn't it"? I would say that I didn't get much out of it & they would frown & act as though I was troubled or less spiritual than they were.

I feel somewhat lost spiritually. Eventually I had a crisis in my faith that was unreconcilable. The chasm between what the bible taught & my real-life experiences had grown too wide to bridge back together.

Fast forward many years...

I now consider myself a non-Christian. I believe in the Universe & karma. I am open spiritually, however, I am struggling. There is now a hole in my soul. That hole used to be filled at least in part, with Christianity, the church & my church friends.

I feel somewhat lost spiritually.

I used to read the bible every day. It gave me a sense of security & made me feel somewhat grounded. Now I read very little of anything. I wish I could pick up a book everyday & be led spiritually by it, like I used to believe the bible did, but I don't know if anything like that exists.

Can anyone help me?