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Alligator Pants: Walking Beyond My Faith

By Tania ~

Hello, everyone,

It's been a while....

Over the last seven years, my visits to this site have been with a mixed bag of emotions, let me tell you!

Seven years ago, in January 2012, I frantically searched the internet for some website, some writer, some video, some sanity, some clarity...something, ANYTHING that would that would calm my deep, deep fear that Christianity might not be all that I thought that it would be. For about a year, I'd been struggling with my faith; questions kept popping up for me, and the places where I usually got my answers -- church, the Bible, fellow Christians, my "quiet time" with God -- no longer provided enough substance for me. By the start of 2012, my uncertainties were still building up, and the silence from God was overwhelming. The faith of my 28 years toppled. Too afraid to talk with anyone in my real life, I typed in whatever combination of words it was that brought me here to And soon after that, out came my first essay on this site, "The Hug"!

For a long time I visited here almost daily - and, frequently, more than once a day. I read others' stories and the comments that followed. Many of the names on the site became familiar, and I felt less alone, even though we were many kilometers apart (yes, I'm in Canada!). I shared some of my own stories and learned that the things I shared were quite common among those of us who have left the church.

Eventually I joined a social group for atheists, humanists, skeptics, and other non-religious people. I slowed down with my church and devotional
activities. I read a lot. I became good friends with another former Christian, and we spent many evenings discussing all things religion as we
consumed wine, dinner, and decaf coffee. I wrote some more. I read more. I cried so much about the whole thing. I went back to church. I cried some more. I made some very poor decisions, dating-wise. I walked a lot. I kept busy.

One winter evening in 2015, I met a wonderful man at Skeptics in the Pub. In a good way, my world stopped spinning so much.

A while later, two other women and I started a peer support group for people who have left or are in the process of leaving their religious faith. This June will mark the group's three-year anniversary!

Many other things have happened, too. My parents became a bit more curious and a bit less fearful of the fact that I'm not holding onto the beliefs and rituals of my younger years. I've developed a more "live and let live" attitude when it comes to others' worldviews, instead of wishing that everyone would just become an atheist already! I started volunteering at Habitat for Humanity in 2017, and I continue to be involved with the skeptics group.

My visits to have dwindled as time goes on, and I think that that is a good sign. For quite some time, I checked in fairly often to read others' stories and perhaps add a comment here and there. Nowadays I mention the site to others who may need it, and I recall the lifesaver that it was for me as I began to navigate life outside of the faith.

Recently I compiled 12 of my essays, some of which are here on I hired an editor to do a bit of tweaking and a photographer so I wouldn't have to rely completely on stock photos. It's been a fun project, and I've learned a lot along on the way! Check out the "Books" page on this site, and you'll see "Alligator Pants: walking beyond my faith." The book is also available for sale on Amazon and

All the best to everyone who is going through this transition! It can be extremely tough, but you'll make it.