Skip to main content

Those Damn Christmas Newsletters

By summerbreeze ~

Aaaahh, Christmas is coming, and along with Christmas come those horribly annoying Christmas newsletters.

I don't know how you feel about them, or even if you annually put them out, but for myself, I cannot help but cringe over the ones that come our way every year.

Never in the History of mankind has there been more bragging, exaggerating, gloating, half truths, and denial of real facts than in that "friendly" print-out inclosed in an innocent looking Christmas Card.

Just once I would like to hear some honest news ( warts and all ) instead of folks going on and on ad nauseam about their cake lives.

......and the worst of the worst are from fundamentalist friends and relatives.

How much more enjoyable and heartwarming the Christmas Season would be, if something more like the following was lurking in the mailbox for me.

( A bit of a stretch, but lets have fun with it )

Hi All. The Smith clan here wishes you a very Merry Christmas!

We've had a busy year, and with the help of The Lord, we will overcome.

Eli is now out on bail, having been falsely accused of embezzlement in our Church. Being a wonderful Pastor for 40 years accounts for nothing with his accusers I guess.

Those Godless folk at the police station and the court will feel God's wrath, you can be certain of that.

Yesterday some mean men came and took away my new Audi ( an anniversary gift from my sweet Eli ).

Jacob and Rebecca are expecting their 5th child ! They are having a bit of hard times financially, it's hard to keep down a job when they both are out picketing Planned Parenthood and doing The Lord's work by organizing anti-abortion rallies.

Ruth has obtained a great position at Hobby Lobby's main headquarters. She has been to China 3 times so far, helping to choose goods that Americans will like and to give her in-put as to future products. This company is such a fine example of a business that is blessed. I look forward to buying their products each time I visit their stores, and am so proud to be an American Christian consumer.

Rachel is going through a divorce. Her husband of 5 years suddenly wanted to go back to College. He picked a regular College, not a Bible College, which upset all of us a lot. Soon he came home with such blasphemous ideas about our Lord, and how his Professors thought that the earth was created !

I say good-riddence, we do not need a heathen in our family.

Gabriel was unfortunately mugged in the ChicFil-A's back parking lot by a girl who was there for a meet-up with him through Christian Mingle. The girl brought a male companion with her, and together they beat him up, stole the flowers and candy he brought, then stole his car.

With the Lord's help his bruises are almost gone, and we are praying that he will get his car back. "

Well, I must close, but before I do, remember that


The Smith's