Destroyed... For God?
By By Brian M ~
I have always been abused- my entire life.
I had two abusive, cruel parents. My mother drank and was two card suits shy of a full deck. My father was simply ineffectual as a parent or a person. My sister... well, she follows in her mother's footsteps. I was- and still am to an extent, creative, smart, imaginative, if not completely sane any more.
Image by Denis Collette...!!! via FlickrI went thru abuse for years. I put up with lies, beatings and the like- and one day at school- after I had basically played on my mother's racism and ignorance so I could be in a school play- An event happened which has and will affect my life. I met a girl. A beautiful, (or so I thought at the time) wonderful girl. Her name's Penny (and I hope you're reading this so you get the full extent of what you've DONE to me.) I went basic 'I'm in love' mode for the next 10 years. Everything I did, Even after I was moved to foster care- I did for her. I had heard about Jesus, and the whole 'if it's good, and blah blah blah' thing- And I prayed I'd be married to this girl. I held on thru the navy. I got saved.
And then, what happened next, words don't say enough. The first nail in my coffin was the Dear John letter the woman I loved deeply and cared for sent me. The next was when I finally left the navy- and met her husband. This is where everything went completely insane- as when I was told she was married... I heard a scream. It didn't originate from my mouth. It came from inside me, and was the most horrible, frightening noise I had ever heard in my life. I have had people tell me my soul either died or was mortally wounded that day (like this helps me!). I got no comfort. I literally had nightmares so intense and bad, I'd wake up screaming and shaking. This went on for some time- years. I ended up on medication (which didn't even dent it), counseling *shakes head*, and barely able to function day to day from the strain.
WHERE WAS JESUS? Where was my loving savior thru all of this? Where was my comfort? Where was help? Not a SINGLE person in any church I attended since then had answers. Oh, they had BS- truckloads of that. I was staggering around with what I can weakly describe as a grenade blowing where my heart was into juice, and leaving a nice basketball sized, shrapnel filled hole- and I was being led around and around by my nose.
It gets worse.
A few years ago, the nightmares had started again- along with vivid dreams of Penny calling for me. I talked to a (former) friend, who told me to get ahold of her! God most likely needed me to contact her!This fool was going to be a preacher- and I, like an even bigger fool, believed him. The letter I got from her mother nearly killed me. SHE is having a wonderful, Christian life. (meanwhile, my life, for lack of a better term, sucks. Alot.) Again- where was Jesus? Why was I put thru this? And what's more- How did this 'friend' also know all the information I found out the hard way- and then go "yeah, I kinda knew that". So, God told him it was all going to blow up in my face, then. Church was still a joke- People who Pray to God and get answers, money, wives, you name it- Not a ONE could even begin to tell me what was happening to me. "I'll pray for you" started to sound like curse words to me. I read the Bible- There were no answers there. I prayed. The dreams got worse. Worse to the point that in 2009, the worst one I had in quite a while left me seriously injuring my wrist, and leaving 2 very nasty dents in the actual mattress. It was to the point that even my cats knew when I was going to have an 'episode' and would stand watch over me! This is when I began to wonder if I was just going insane, or this could be real to some extent. How could my cats know? My time leading up to bed were normal- I'd even watch something funny for a good laugh.
I tried church AGAIN. I again mentioned this ongoing problem. This time, not only did anyone not have answers, but they'd back away slowly, like I was radioactive. By this time, I was pretty much DONE With Jesus and the church- and seeing these people turn pale, gulp and stammer out nothing of consequence just drove that home for me.
However- one large question remained: WHY was I being put thru this? Where was ANY help? I'd love to say I am just someone whose lost love had turned him insane from grief- but I had too many 'external' things happen- the cats' alertness when I'd have a dream, a friend of mine having the E X A C T same type of dream I'd had- no prompting, she described this woman to a T- described the exact way i felt when I'd wake up- I knew there was a whole lotta trouble going on further than 'I'm nutso'. Prayer. Didn't work. Church... Ha. All they wanted was money and a chance to humiliate.
The dreams have actually stopped the past month or so, after over 10 years of them. I seem to have gained some control over what I dream back. The pain and the disappointment and realization Jesus only seems contracted out to the well to do and well connected- the whole nasty experience has left it's mark.
The whole thing has also left me painfully single and actually unable to get married. If your comment is 'Don't worry, you'll find someone! Don't bother wasting the typing. I've been like this since I was 20. I'm almost 40, and things haven't changed. There is no woman out there I'd really want anyways now. I am also damaged goods anyways.
Thank you for reading, and please- don't judge me as a screwball. While even I admit I'm no longer running on all cylinders- I don't need people reminding me of that fact. :-P
I have always been abused- my entire life.
I had two abusive, cruel parents. My mother drank and was two card suits shy of a full deck. My father was simply ineffectual as a parent or a person. My sister... well, she follows in her mother's footsteps. I was- and still am to an extent, creative, smart, imaginative, if not completely sane any more.
Image by Denis Collette...!!! via FlickrAnd then, what happened next, words don't say enough. The first nail in my coffin was the Dear John letter the woman I loved deeply and cared for sent me. The next was when I finally left the navy- and met her husband. This is where everything went completely insane- as when I was told she was married... I heard a scream. It didn't originate from my mouth. It came from inside me, and was the most horrible, frightening noise I had ever heard in my life. I have had people tell me my soul either died or was mortally wounded that day (like this helps me!). I got no comfort. I literally had nightmares so intense and bad, I'd wake up screaming and shaking. This went on for some time- years. I ended up on medication (which didn't even dent it), counseling *shakes head*, and barely able to function day to day from the strain.
WHERE WAS JESUS? Where was my loving savior thru all of this? Where was my comfort? Where was help? Not a SINGLE person in any church I attended since then had answers. Oh, they had BS- truckloads of that. I was staggering around with what I can weakly describe as a grenade blowing where my heart was into juice, and leaving a nice basketball sized, shrapnel filled hole- and I was being led around and around by my nose.
It gets worse.
A few years ago, the nightmares had started again- along with vivid dreams of Penny calling for me. I talked to a (former) friend, who told me to get ahold of her! God most likely needed me to contact her!This fool was going to be a preacher- and I, like an even bigger fool, believed him. The letter I got from her mother nearly killed me. SHE is having a wonderful, Christian life. (meanwhile, my life, for lack of a better term, sucks. Alot.) Again- where was Jesus? Why was I put thru this? And what's more- How did this 'friend' also know all the information I found out the hard way- and then go "yeah, I kinda knew that". So, God told him it was all going to blow up in my face, then. Church was still a joke- People who Pray to God and get answers, money, wives, you name it- Not a ONE could even begin to tell me what was happening to me. "I'll pray for you" started to sound like curse words to me. I read the Bible- There were no answers there. I prayed. The dreams got worse. Worse to the point that in 2009, the worst one I had in quite a while left me seriously injuring my wrist, and leaving 2 very nasty dents in the actual mattress. It was to the point that even my cats knew when I was going to have an 'episode' and would stand watch over me! This is when I began to wonder if I was just going insane, or this could be real to some extent. How could my cats know? My time leading up to bed were normal- I'd even watch something funny for a good laugh.
I tried church AGAIN. I again mentioned this ongoing problem. This time, not only did anyone not have answers, but they'd back away slowly, like I was radioactive. By this time, I was pretty much DONE With Jesus and the church- and seeing these people turn pale, gulp and stammer out nothing of consequence just drove that home for me.
However- one large question remained: WHY was I being put thru this? Where was ANY help? I'd love to say I am just someone whose lost love had turned him insane from grief- but I had too many 'external' things happen- the cats' alertness when I'd have a dream, a friend of mine having the E X A C T same type of dream I'd had- no prompting, she described this woman to a T- described the exact way i felt when I'd wake up- I knew there was a whole lotta trouble going on further than 'I'm nutso'. Prayer. Didn't work. Church... Ha. All they wanted was money and a chance to humiliate.
The dreams have actually stopped the past month or so, after over 10 years of them. I seem to have gained some control over what I dream back. The pain and the disappointment and realization Jesus only seems contracted out to the well to do and well connected- the whole nasty experience has left it's mark.
The whole thing has also left me painfully single and actually unable to get married. If your comment is 'Don't worry, you'll find someone! Don't bother wasting the typing. I've been like this since I was 20. I'm almost 40, and things haven't changed. There is no woman out there I'd really want anyways now. I am also damaged goods anyways.
Thank you for reading, and please- don't judge me as a screwball. While even I admit I'm no longer running on all cylinders- I don't need people reminding me of that fact. :-P
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