The Thorn in My Flesh
By Raven Nightsong ~
I am coming to realize that I have a MASSIVE thorn in my flesh, and it has a name - Christianity!
This MASSIVE thorn in my flesh has another name - Religious Trauma Syndrome! [More information on that can be found at - http://journeyfree.org/rts/]
I realize that I am having a delayed reaction to leaving Christianity. I didn't deal with it when I left because things happened quickly, and those things made leaving somewhat easy... even pleasurable.
But I also realize that those things caused me to repress ALOT of emotional and spiritual yucky mucky's in leaving Christianity. I didn't allow myself to process what I had just done, and because of that, for almost 3 years, I consciously and unconsciously, blended Christianity into everything I have done.
In many ways I went from a type of "babyhood" of being told what to do and when to do it for 40 years straight into "adulthood" of discovering that there is this woman lurking inside of me and I have NO CLUE who the hell she is!
No "childhood" phase. No "preteen" phase. No "teen" phase. No "early adult" phase.
Just from "babyhood" to "adulthood" in the blink of an eye thanks to my "WTF!?" moment.
Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I had been told not to eat of the Tree, and like Eve, I heard the voice of the Serpent who opened my eyes.
My "tree" was this realization that I don't know who the hell I am. I had been wrapped up in this creation of other people's making. And I am NOT just talking about on a personal level like from family and friends but also on a mainstream USA level.
The shift of December 21, 2012 did something in me to bring this to the surface, and I know that I cannot progress until I deal with this. Ahhh but dealing with this, my dear Reader, is easier said than done.
Intellectually, I "get it" but my heart and spirit are taking a beating from it.
It has caused me MASSIVE moments of anguish and despair to the point of having MASSIVE panic attacks.
The wonderful part about this is knowing that there are others out there like me. Ex-Christian.net has been a HUGE blessing to me. It helps me know that I am NOT alone and others go through this every fricking day! Because IF I didn't know there were others, I would think I am going quite mad and need to be locked away!
Not everyone who has been in Christianity goes through this. I think that majority of us who do is because we were either born into it, or we accept it later in life and end up pouring our heart and soul into it.
Those who comes to it later in life describe Christianity as filling a void in their life, like something was missing, and here comes the "key words", and they often describe being a Christian as "finally finding acceptance and approval".
But acceptance and approval of whom???
Example: I am sure that many of you, my dear Readers, are familiar with the phrase, "jailhouse religion". A person goes to jail or prison and all of the sudden "finds God". For their time in lock up, they are committed Christians. When they get out, the majority will revert to their former beliefs with in a few years.
Ask them why and you will get the answer of, "I just wanted to be accepted".
The way mainstream society in the USA is set up, Christian is equal to being accepted and approved... not necessary by God but by the culture. Being a Christian means you are part of a greater whole and thereby you have some value or worth.
If you are a former convict/felon, being a Christian and giving your testimony means that you don't have to take responsibility for your actions but you can lay all the blame on poor ol' Satan, and because this damnable entity was in control of your life, you are not responsible for your actions thus you are good enough to be part of the group... which within the USA mainstream culture is Christianity.
So you immerse yourself into Christianity because you want that ultimate acceptance and approval from the greater whole.
If you put one toe out of line, you are avoided like some kind of rabid animal... or either made an example of what a "good Christian" gone wrong looks like.
The pressure to conform to mainstream standards is horrible. It effects every portion of your life, and being a "former Christian" makes it more difficult since you don't feel you are worthy, or acceptable, to God.
You feel degraded.
God is NOT a ChristianYou know somewhere in your subconsciousness that the only "God" in Christianity is the Christians themselves who have created this image of "God", and you know that the "real" God is much bigger and broader in perspective.
God is NOT a Christian.
God doesn't have a religion. Man created religion.
Yet at the same time there is this MASSIVE war inside of you with the brainwashing and the reality.
This war inside of me is horrible, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I share all of this with you, my dear Reader, because there are others out there who are coming out of a mainstream religion into things like Witchcraft, Wicca, Paganism, Luciferianism, Atheism, etc., and like me, they struggle with it.
It is my hope that by sharing these things with you that you, my dear Reader, will know that you are NOT alone, and that you will find encouragement as well as peace on your journey.
And so, my journey continues.....
[NOTE: I have been lurking around this site for a while now, and I wrote this post on my blog but really felt that it would be worth sharing with all of you.]
Website: http://theawakeningwitch.blogspot.com/
"And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn ([a]a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted." [2 Corinthians 2:7]
This MASSIVE thorn in my flesh has another name - Religious Trauma Syndrome! [More information on that can be found at - http://journeyfree.org/rts/]
I realize that I am having a delayed reaction to leaving Christianity. I didn't deal with it when I left because things happened quickly, and those things made leaving somewhat easy... even pleasurable.
But I also realize that those things caused me to repress ALOT of emotional and spiritual yucky mucky's in leaving Christianity. I didn't allow myself to process what I had just done, and because of that, for almost 3 years, I consciously and unconsciously, blended Christianity into everything I have done.
In many ways I went from a type of "babyhood" of being told what to do and when to do it for 40 years straight into "adulthood" of discovering that there is this woman lurking inside of me and I have NO CLUE who the hell she is!
No "childhood" phase. No "preteen" phase. No "teen" phase. No "early adult" phase.
Just from "babyhood" to "adulthood" in the blink of an eye thanks to my "WTF!?" moment.
Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I had been told not to eat of the Tree, and like Eve, I heard the voice of the Serpent who opened my eyes.
My "tree" was this realization that I don't know who the hell I am. I had been wrapped up in this creation of other people's making. And I am NOT just talking about on a personal level like from family and friends but also on a mainstream USA level.
The shift of December 21, 2012 did something in me to bring this to the surface, and I know that I cannot progress until I deal with this. Ahhh but dealing with this, my dear Reader, is easier said than done.
Intellectually, I "get it" but my heart and spirit are taking a beating from it.
It has caused me MASSIVE moments of anguish and despair to the point of having MASSIVE panic attacks.
The wonderful part about this is knowing that there are others out there like me. Ex-Christian.net has been a HUGE blessing to me. It helps me know that I am NOT alone and others go through this every fricking day! Because IF I didn't know there were others, I would think I am going quite mad and need to be locked away!
Not everyone who has been in Christianity goes through this. I think that majority of us who do is because we were either born into it, or we accept it later in life and end up pouring our heart and soul into it.
Those who comes to it later in life describe Christianity as filling a void in their life, like something was missing, and here comes the "key words", and they often describe being a Christian as "finally finding acceptance and approval".
But acceptance and approval of whom???
Example: I am sure that many of you, my dear Readers, are familiar with the phrase, "jailhouse religion". A person goes to jail or prison and all of the sudden "finds God". For their time in lock up, they are committed Christians. When they get out, the majority will revert to their former beliefs with in a few years.
Ask them why and you will get the answer of, "I just wanted to be accepted".
The way mainstream society in the USA is set up, Christian is equal to being accepted and approved... not necessary by God but by the culture. Being a Christian means you are part of a greater whole and thereby you have some value or worth.
If you are a former convict/felon, being a Christian and giving your testimony means that you don't have to take responsibility for your actions but you can lay all the blame on poor ol' Satan, and because this damnable entity was in control of your life, you are not responsible for your actions thus you are good enough to be part of the group... which within the USA mainstream culture is Christianity.
So you immerse yourself into Christianity because you want that ultimate acceptance and approval from the greater whole.
If you put one toe out of line, you are avoided like some kind of rabid animal... or either made an example of what a "good Christian" gone wrong looks like.
The pressure to conform to mainstream standards is horrible. It effects every portion of your life, and being a "former Christian" makes it more difficult since you don't feel you are worthy, or acceptable, to God.
You feel degraded.
God is NOT a ChristianYou know somewhere in your subconsciousness that the only "God" in Christianity is the Christians themselves who have created this image of "God", and you know that the "real" God is much bigger and broader in perspective.
God is NOT a Christian.
God doesn't have a religion. Man created religion.
Yet at the same time there is this MASSIVE war inside of you with the brainwashing and the reality.
This war inside of me is horrible, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I share all of this with you, my dear Reader, because there are others out there who are coming out of a mainstream religion into things like Witchcraft, Wicca, Paganism, Luciferianism, Atheism, etc., and like me, they struggle with it.
It is my hope that by sharing these things with you that you, my dear Reader, will know that you are NOT alone, and that you will find encouragement as well as peace on your journey.
And so, my journey continues.....
[NOTE: I have been lurking around this site for a while now, and I wrote this post on my blog but really felt that it would be worth sharing with all of you.]
Website: http://theawakeningwitch.blogspot.com/
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