The Faith That I Had
By AnonAgno94 ~
Up until May this year, I was the Christian that the other young Christians wanted to be. I’ve had people tell me that they wished they had the faith that I have.
That I had.
Now there are moments when I wish I still had the faith I had. Because that faith died 5 months ago, and since then I haven’t been the same.
I grew up Catholic in an unstable household. The lack of fatherly affection left me with a hole in my life, and the constant negative external validation from my mother still is with me as scars to this day. In my youth, I was a devout Catholic who prayed every night because she was too mature for her age to have real friends. Flash forward to 17 years old and then change “Catholic” to “non-denominational, Bible-adoring Christian.” Charismatic to the core. Bilingual leader, worship songwriter, mentor, Christian friend. I was certain of ‘god’s’ existence.
So what happened?
Combine severe anxiety with depression, take out church support and understanding of mental health issues, and insert counseling, secular friendships, and eventually a deeply-loving relationship with a well-educated, kind, secular humanist. Mind you, I had never actually been so close to someone before who did not believe in ‘god.’
At first, he and I were a “mixed-faith” couple – one where the Christian prayed secretly for conversion and the atheist secretly hoped for logic and reason to win.
You can see which side had their ‘prayers’ answered. ;)
The first few months dating were incredible and healthy. But then I had a very dear friend tell me that they couldn’t support me nor encourage me in my relationship, which crushed me deeply. Not long after, I started having panic attacks regularly and nightmares over hell. I also started to constantly fear judgment from my religious friends. Liberal Christians told me that it was okay to date someone who didn’t share my faith while their conservative counterparts cried for my relationship decision. I ended up with a very confused state of mind.
I won’t delve into a repeat of others’ stories – the “slippery slope” of a wake-up call from Christianity. Like being snapped awake after a really vivid dream. But I will say this –
Losing a relative, having your life turned upside down in a week’s time span by losing your college scholarship, being caught in your parents’ marital problems your whole life, being a victim of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse – experiencing these pains at times does not compare with losing “Jesus,” losing the promise of eternity, losing Christianity, purpose, and ultimately, losing ‘god.”
Because for 22 years, ‘he’ was my foundation. The foundation that I fell on during all times of trouble. But what do you fall on when the foundation is now gone? A foundation that, in my eyes, was never actually there?
At times, I’m not sure what’s worse – telling a lie unknowingly to get someone else to believe it, or believing a lie wholeheartedly, so much that you put your life on it, but then realizing one day that it was not true.
Right now, I’d go with the latter.
That I had.
Now there are moments when I wish I still had the faith I had. Because that faith died 5 months ago, and since then I haven’t been the same.
I grew up Catholic in an unstable household. The lack of fatherly affection left me with a hole in my life, and the constant negative external validation from my mother still is with me as scars to this day. In my youth, I was a devout Catholic who prayed every night because she was too mature for her age to have real friends. Flash forward to 17 years old and then change “Catholic” to “non-denominational, Bible-adoring Christian.” Charismatic to the core. Bilingual leader, worship songwriter, mentor, Christian friend. I was certain of ‘god’s’ existence.
So what happened?
Combine severe anxiety with depression, take out church support and understanding of mental health issues, and insert counseling, secular friendships, and eventually a deeply-loving relationship with a well-educated, kind, secular humanist. Mind you, I had never actually been so close to someone before who did not believe in ‘god.’
At first, he and I were a “mixed-faith” couple – one where the Christian prayed secretly for conversion and the atheist secretly hoped for logic and reason to win.
You can see which side had their ‘prayers’ answered. ;)
The first few months dating were incredible and healthy. But then I had a very dear friend tell me that they couldn’t support me nor encourage me in my relationship, which crushed me deeply. Not long after, I started having panic attacks regularly and nightmares over hell. I also started to constantly fear judgment from my religious friends. Liberal Christians told me that it was okay to date someone who didn’t share my faith while their conservative counterparts cried for my relationship decision. I ended up with a very confused state of mind.
I won’t delve into a repeat of others’ stories – the “slippery slope” of a wake-up call from Christianity. Like being snapped awake after a really vivid dream. But I will say this –
Losing a relative, having your life turned upside down in a week’s time span by losing your college scholarship, being caught in your parents’ marital problems your whole life, being a victim of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse – experiencing these pains at times does not compare with losing “Jesus,” losing the promise of eternity, losing Christianity, purpose, and ultimately, losing ‘god.”
Because for 22 years, ‘he’ was my foundation. The foundation that I fell on during all times of trouble. But what do you fall on when the foundation is now gone? A foundation that, in my eyes, was never actually there?
At times, I’m not sure what’s worse – telling a lie unknowingly to get someone else to believe it, or believing a lie wholeheartedly, so much that you put your life on it, but then realizing one day that it was not true.
Right now, I’d go with the latter.
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