Unchosen – Emmeno
By Mary B ~
I was baptized Catholic; being named after the Mother of God meant life was always going to be a series of falling shorts. Raised as an Evangelical with a side order of Fundamental Dispensationalism, I spent a good portion of my childhood worrying about being left behind if the Rapture happened or that my head would be chopped off by the Antichrist. We didn't attend church because they contained false prophets; we held small services as a family. Apart from a brief sojourn into atheism at the age of 16 – inspired by someone tall and handsome – I kept the faith until I was 30.
Emmeno definition: *to remain in, continue; *to persevere in anything, a state of mind etc.; *to hold fast, to be true to, abide by, keep Those years were spent in agony. I never felt good enough or faithful enough or peaceful enough or any of those things I was told or read that Christians were or should be. I never quite reached the mark of a good Christian mother or wife. It was always just in front of me; just out of my reach as I lost my temper once again or failed to be quiet as a good wife should be. Guilt for everything ate away at me. Private prayer became one long session on my knees begging to be accepted by God, begging to have just one moment of speaking in tongues to prove I was saved. All I asked for was your acceptance.
Then I found out about the doctrine of predestination and it all made sense. I wasn't chosen! It did not matter what I did or said or prayed or cried God could not hear me. I was devastated, and thrilled.
That was fifteen years ago now. My journey out is still ongoing. All my family still believe all of it. I hardly see any of them now. I want my children to know and feel the acceptance from me that I never felt from God, and that I love them just as they are: hot tempered, patient, loud, quiet, in pain or peaceful.
Just as you are, kids, just as you are.
Emmeno definition: *to remain in, continue; *to persevere in anything, a state of mind etc.; *to hold fast, to be true to, abide by, keep Those years were spent in agony. I never felt good enough or faithful enough or peaceful enough or any of those things I was told or read that Christians were or should be. I never quite reached the mark of a good Christian mother or wife. It was always just in front of me; just out of my reach as I lost my temper once again or failed to be quiet as a good wife should be. Guilt for everything ate away at me. Private prayer became one long session on my knees begging to be accepted by God, begging to have just one moment of speaking in tongues to prove I was saved. All I asked for was your acceptance.
Then I found out about the doctrine of predestination and it all made sense. I wasn't chosen! It did not matter what I did or said or prayed or cried God could not hear me. I was devastated, and thrilled.
That was fifteen years ago now. My journey out is still ongoing. All my family still believe all of it. I hardly see any of them now. I want my children to know and feel the acceptance from me that I never felt from God, and that I love them just as they are: hot tempered, patient, loud, quiet, in pain or peaceful.
Just as you are, kids, just as you are.
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